i am finally going to divorce a mental control freak ,?

Question

now after 20000 tries to understand ,after living with a mind controler who is never wong and always blames me for any and every , i finally relised that i cant take more abuse, since i am filing for divorce ,he is still making me feel as if i am the blame , after having a break down and after recovering,i really want to love for the first time, but as i finish this process, he still tries to make me feel the whole fault of the divorce, i am not an angel, but i did marry my mother and now i want out, need to heal and relise that its ok, we are talking 14 years of mind games,and stalking and spying and lieing.and going home to his mom when he is mad,never wrong ,i do feel better knowing that he has had enough of begging to come back FINALLY, i mean since he does live in another state,now that i have raised my children most of there life by myself, i relized i am a agoraphobic with anxiety disorder, it looks like i am doomed now,and he is able to be free with no guilt, how do i crawl out

Answer 1

You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give yourself a kick in the butt.
You look at the sun and smell the clean air and thank God you lived through this to tell the story.
If you are feeling like you have been dragged through the last 14 years, I can understand what a challenge this will be.
The fact that you survived is a miracle.
Congratulations, you have now just started your life, the one you wanted , the one you deserved and the one you will have.
You need to take baby steps.
Try some self help books, try some journaling of your feelings, get the poison out of your system.
You know he is still trying to control you from afar and if you give it any energy or time you are relinquishing your power back to him.,
You need to cleanse and purge, you can do this by writing down as much of your hurt and emotion as you can. Then have a little ceremony and burn the papers and say good bye to him and that life.,
Even if you still have to go to court for the divorce, it won't matter .
You will have rid yourself, soul and spirit of this venomous man. through your ceremony and your conviction to live.
You will find a renewed strength from within to go on.
You will choose to meet each challenge each day in baby steps.
Don't try to be a super hero...... take it easy. this is all new for you.
Remember who the girl was inside of you years ago, find her and bring her to life again, she will help you through this.
You can make anything happen in your life. No one can stop you now.
You must believe in you and start to slowly build up your core of self again.
It will be a difficult journey, but I believe you can do it, you survived this horrific 14 year torture, you are stronger than you think.
Believe and make it happen, but put a plan together for yourself and then put it into action.
Purge, cleanse and then start living again..... Life is for the taking and is waiting just for you...
I am in your corner, I believe in you and I know you are going to kick butt........
Baby steps.......you do not have to crawl, I offer you my hand to hold you up, so you can get off your knees...
Stand and be proud, you are a survivor

Answer 2

Control is a sticky subject, because to be honest, no one can really control another person.

They can try, but they only can succeed if you let them.

It sounds like you both have your own baggage.

You say he is making you feel the entire blame for the divorce. Again, this attitude is bascially YOU giving him control over you.

Another person CANNOT MAKE you feel anything. So if you are feeling something, either there is an element of truth that convicts you, or you are allowing something you know is not true to affect you.

If there is truth to it, then own it and address your faults.

If it is not true, then why allow it to impact you. Be strong and reject untruths.

I think many times people who cry that they are being controlled are really out of control in some areas and are uncomfortable being with those who appear to have this area under control.

So, I respectfully ask that you keep in mind that if your complaint is he is a controller, part of the issue is that you allow him control.

Answer 3

SLow down my girl! Your anger is making you say things you might regret later. Men who control women themselves were controlled by a mother who was no doubt ruthless, they marry and treat their wives like dirt. They are called mysogenists Deep down they hate women because of their manipulative controlling ways - the ones that he has experienced and I have an idea its mother-out-law!!!! Probably dad left her or died on her and all she had was her darling son and she controlled and manipulated him right home again! He has a major problem and you are the unfortunate victim of his aggression. I can fully understand the way that you feel. Lets sober up for a moment.

My suggestion is that hee needs to see a psychologist. He might be a man who is depressed but not admitting it. I think he might even be bipolar. Usually people who are bipolar are extremely critical and demanding and controlling and if they dont get their way all hell breaks loose. This might be a chemical thing!

Sit him down and talk to him and tell him that you cannot take anymore of this and that if he wants this to work your conditions are that he has to go see a psychologist and deal with his mood swings. DOnt provoke him but be respectful and show him respect. Make a list of things you do respect about him and slowly day by day gently respond lovingly and respectfully towards him, every now and then saying. You know what I respect about you, is the way that you.................!

In time you will see him soften towards you. It might not happen immediately, but if you are willing to wait it out and refuse to pay his game by not playing with him when he throws all his toys out of the cot, and that means not reacting, no matter how much you would like to pick up the nearest iron bar and crush his brains out for him...you basically override the emotion and do what is right. its called accountability and self-control......like everything else the first time is hard, but the more you do it the more you find it easier and easier and eventually automatically you jsut run with doing the right thing. This takes dedication and a lot of commitment but if you love him and want success, you will have to be repared to go that extra mile. It works. Love and respect are two things so seriously needed in a marriage relationship. God says men have to love their wives and wives have to see to it that they respect their men. It begins to make sense doesnt it. Right now both of you are in a crazy cycle and you need to get off it fast before it spins right out of control. It might mean you taking the first initial step to slow the process down. Give it a try. You have nothing to loose. I had a very similar situation and it worked so much so that we are so happy together and its so wonderful. When I changed, he changed too. The crazy cycle stopped too! Where did I get this from? I read the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs an also my bible. Get a copy of the book it is so good and teaches you what and how to say things without pushing your man into a corner. If you want to save your marriage knock on this door. it takes you to heights you can never believe capable of reaching. May this mystery become a reality to you!

Answer 4

I have never been able to understand women that say they are married to control freaks. Do you not know how to stand up for yourself and make valid points to counter. Geez. If he's stalking you is there maybe a good reason for this? Perhaps you've betrade him and made him feel the need to keep a short leash on you. I know someone like you. She makes me sick. She tries to get everyone to feel sorry for her yet she wont tell the whole story. I'm smart enough to see that she's the actual problem.

Answer 5

Try joining a battered woman's support group.

The one I went to - only 1/3 of the women were abused physically. The other 2/3 were mental and emotional.

Recovering will take 2-3 years - but it's worth the effort. Trust me.

Answer 6

I am so sorry my dear lady for all that you've been through. You don't believe you have any disorder. It's all in your mind. You let a man drill that into your head and you believe it now. Believe it or not, he hasn't walked away free. You are the free one, love. See, he's still gonna be the controlling miserable freak but you.........you finally escaped. It's time now to actually be able to enjoy the smell of flowers...to live your life. It may be hard but at least you got the hardest part out of the way.

Answer 7

Be strong. Break away from the control he has over you and know that a bright and sunny future is ahead of you where you will be free to love and be loved and respected. Start small....join a group and meet others like you who will take those first steps with you. You can change who you are, and know that every day is a new day and a chance to start over!

Answer 8

Good for young lady I hope you fined happiness out there. It sure is nice to know who you are now isn't it. Now to get over the high anxiety I think that will come in time as you learn yourself more and get out in the real world

Answer 9

Although you probably do not have a substance abuse problem, you would do well to read the 12 steps of AA. They are a formula for living well. Go to www.aa.org. If you want further information e-mail me. It works.

Answer 10

Buck up little camper. The first step is to get away from him which you have stated you are doing. The next step is take your time and heal, mentally and emotionally. Then and only then can you think about finding love again. Good luck.