is it wrong for my father to not want to speak to me?

Question

I am a 34 year old women, i had written my father an email stating how i feel about him and our relationship. my father left when i was 7 years old and there has been resentment and anger. he is a very controlling man, not very affectionate nor encouraging. i really dont feel comfortable around him. so i finally after all these years told him. i really hurt him with some of the things i said, so i offered to go and talk face to face and try and make it right... but he says hes too hurt and doesnt want to talk.... once again, its his way or no way....
any advice?

Answer 1

Whether he's wrong seems irrelevant to me.

Are you sure you want him in your life?

He' controlling and manipulative, and neither affectionate nor encouraging; you don't like being around him.

Although it's best when we have real relationships with family members, it's not always possible.

BTW, when you tell someone stuff like that, they tend not to like it.

I'm not saying it was wrong to do so, but just that it's unrealistic to expect people to go "Oh! Then I'll stop being that way."

People can (and sometimes do) change, but you can't count on it.

Try to put it past you -- you let him know how you've felt, he says he feels hurt by it.

Leave it.

It's possible that over time he will feel differently, and you could then explore a relationship.

But for now, trying to get him to talk, when he says he doesn't want to is giving him too much power over you.

You need to take back that power and not keep giving it to him.

Move on.

If he changes his mind, great; if not, it will be no big loss -- you'll only be losing an unfeeling, absent, controlling person.

If you find you can't let it go, get some counseling -- that can help you deal productively with the ways he's effected you, so you can put him in perspective, and take him or leave him.

You can't control other people; but you can stop them from controlling you.

Answer 2

Let it alone until he is ready to talk. Some wounds (You both have them, you know?) take a lot of time to heal and if you try to force the issue, you will only make it worse. When he is ready to talk, he will let you know. In the mean time, if there are emails, letters or cards sent between you, make sure you aren't putting salt into the sore. When he wants, see if you can meet with a third person who can act as a mediator (A mutual friend, teacher, pastor, counselor, etc.) who can keep you both from causing further problems as you talk.

Answer 3

It is your father's loss. I too had a parent walk out of my life when I was 11, it was my mom. To this day she feels as if she has done nothing wrong and always defends her actions by saying she did the right thing. For her maybe but not for me. You dad won't change my suggestion to you is live your life and don't dwell on him. I know it will be hard but you have to go on for YOU.

Answer 4

He is poisonous. You did the right thing by telling him the truth-probably most of which he really needed to hear. I would leave the ball in his court. He ran out on you when you were a little kid--he should be happy you will even give him the time of day.

Answer 5

I have never had a good relationship with my father. It's painful. But, you cannot force people to have a relationship with you. He might think things through, and after some time, he may contact you. Or he may never contact you. Establish healthy relationships with other males in your life. It sounds as though you have been honest with yourself and with him. If he can't accept that, then he is someone you don't want to have a relationship with anyway. Good luck.