How do you combine ethics and justice with family matters?

Question

My husband and I have 5 children. Four are from his previous marriage, one we had together. I work, he stays at home with our two year old son. I am the financial bread winner. My oldest childrens mom lives 3 states away and rarely sends child support. We take the kids to visit her over holidays. Every time our children return they are angry with her for many things, namely now, not returning to live close by after living where shes been for the past 9 months. She was an acoloholic, severely depressed. She moved away to live with her mom and get her life together.

I am in great distress about what to do because a., i am fine being financially responisble for my own family, but I am forced to feel financially responsisble for her as well. b., i watch this woman on a regular basis hurt my family. she doesnt call when she says she will, she lied to them (and us) about returning and she thinks she entitled because she gave birth to them.

My husband and I struggle with this

because both of our mothers had us at a young age. His raised him. He knew his father but his father didnt want a relationship. My grandmother adopted me and Ive never met my father. We both have lots of questions and feelings toward both of our parents.

I dont want to take someones children away but I have been severely taken advantage of by this woman. She knows that I will not speak poorly of her to our children and I feel like she takes advantage of it by doing whatever she wants. Ive tried to convince myself to be patient but my patience has worn out.

How can is it ethical though to allow the court system to throw her in jail for not paying child support. How will the kids think of my husband and I for letting that happen? But how can I continue to watch their saddness and disappointment after every visit?

I posted this question under philosophy because I truly feel like I have an ethical dilema and I dont know what to do? I appreciate your words of wisdom...

This has gone on for over four years now. I wrote her a letter last month with my husband's approval. He said that even he was shocked to how kind it was; I did it for my kids. I asked her to move back, I told her they missed her, they have lots of questions, I told her I'd help her and her husband find work and a place to live... because I love my children and I want them to be happy. But where is the line of happiness and what is "best" for them. This is what I struggle with...

Paxico Trader: Let's clarify: I didn't "marry a man with a wife and children..." I married a man with four children. My husband is not "unable or unwilling to support our family financially..." as I stated in my notes, I am the financial bread winner, I make enough money to get make it with a household our size, he couldn't. And the cost of afterschool care and day care would not justify the cost of him working right now. We are a family and we do like spending time together, which means that things are tight but we make it and we make it a priority to spend time that isn't spent at school and at work together, as a family. I did not desert my children to pursue a career. I actually took a paycut to take a job that will offer my 5 children a free college education. Lastly, I didn't chose to move 3 states away and tell everyone I was coming back and then change my mind. I built a house so that my children would have security; something they always have with my husband and I.

Answer 1

Your situation is really difficult and you are a great woman to do all that for these children. I am not really sure what I can give you as an advice because I don't know if I could be able to handle all that your are. If this other woman makes the children unhappy I think you should try to talk to her one more time, with your husband of course, for the sake of the children and try to convince her to take all the responsibility a mother has. To show her that she has been unjust to her children. Your husband should help you with this. Hope you solve all your problems.

Answer 2

I am truly sorry to read about the mess you are in but in all fairness I must be blunt with you. It is a mess that you chose for yourself AND the children. You picked a man to marry with lots of emotional baggage and now you are crying because the baggage is too heavy.

I am even sorrier for the children that you say you love but step back and look at this situation for a moment with an unbiased eye.

Not only are your children without their biological mother but they are largely being deprived of YOUR presence too because you are working full-time. No one asked you to be financially responsible for your family. That is your husband's job unless he is severely disabled, which you did not mention.

So that's four terrible mistakes you've made: (1) Marrying a man with a wife and children (2) Marrying a man that will not support his family financially (3) Taking the burden of work on yourself instead of expecting your husband to (4) Deserting your children to pursue a career

If you honestly feel that the biological mother is starting to get her life back on track then you and your husband should move closer to her so the children can see her more. This would be a gracious way to say to her "I'm sorry for forcing my way into this family and trying to take your place."

It's funny that you are faulting her for being financially irresponsible and yet you married a man with the same problem. Don't you realize you're not just supporting her but him too!

Try walking a mile in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't always call them because it feels so artificial and stiff. It's like she has to be given permission to speak to her own children because they are being kept by another woman. Any person might balk at that arrangement because it's totally unnatural.

She is not the only one who is hurting the children on a regular basis.

You need to sit down with your husband and straighten some things out. You have five children now and they need a mother. Since their mother is not living with them, you should get them closer to her. Next, wait until your husband gets a job that can support you, then quit yours.

You are focusing so much on this other woman you have failed to look honestly at yourself and see how bad you've screwed up. At least she had the guts to move away until she pulled herself together. At least she has made an attempt to change. And now you want HER to move closer to you??

Best of luck. I will be praying that you will do the RIGHT thing.
Today is the day you can turn it around.