Advice from married people...bf lies about porn, the fact he lies is worse!?

Question

First, let me just say I love my bf more than anything so the "just leave him" responses aren't necessary. But this issue has come to a point where I am emotionally and even physically tired and worn out. My bf knows I dont like him looking at porn, so about 5 months ago he told me he would stop because it makes me upset. Well, yesterday I found out that he has been looking at it, even paying for it. When I go to confront him, he denied it then eventually said yes but he will stop again. So today, I looked at his email ( i know I shouldnt have but) and he requested those sites to change his info, which shows his intent to still look at it. I am so upset, hurt and worn out over this and he is just going to lie to my face about it. What is so great about porn he has to look at it then lie. Why lie? If he knew he couldnt stop, why not tell me that 5 months ago? Im tired of crying and staying up at night worrying about what else he could be lying about...any advice? Thanks.

I understand the arguments for porn...but if you really love someone and they know you are REALLY upset over it...isnt it worth trying to stop?

Im not so much upset over the fact he looks(ed) at it, its that he lied when he couldnt be honest. I dont get mad at him, I just get depressed. I am going to have a long talk with him (I have caught him keeping some other things from me) and see what happens. I have also offered to watch it with him or try anything new he wanted too, but he always declined. Thanks though!

Answer 1

lovingclementine hit this matter right on the head.

This issue isn't about porn. It isn't about you. It is about him. He has made his choice, he prefers porn over you. It is ridiculous and very VERY sad, but it does appear to be the truth.

He likes you, he thinks your a nice and approachable person, doesn't mind having sex with you on occasion, but he doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you enough to tell you the truth. Love does NOT manifest itself in the manner he is behaving. You know this. That is why you are upset. You know this isn't how it is suppose to work if someone loves you. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! And no amount of yelling, crying, cajoling, guilt tripping, or love from you will make him love you. You need to move on.

EDIT - response to extra info - That is completely true. If he did love you and respect you he would quit and he wouldn't lie to you. And by NOT quiting and continuing to lie and be deceitful he is telling you that he does NOT love you.

There is nothing wrong with porn in and of itself, UNLESS someone in the relationship has a problem with it. You do, therefore it is a problem. Your BF refuses to acknowledge this, and in turn disrespects you and shows his true colors.

Answer 2

most men including myself struggle with porn. Sometimes look at it even if we dont want to. He's lying to you because he's knows you are hurt by it and he dosent want to hurt you. You also bother him a lot about it, but if you were a man you would understand. Give the guy a break. If you were smoking since you was 14 and you are now 30, do you think you would just stop overnight? NO.
In the same way most men develop this (some worse than others) from teen even pre-teen years and its difficult to stop. It has NOTHIN to do with you and nothing to do with love or you not satisfying him. You'd better learn to be patient otherwise he will just leave you.
You can wish to find another b/f who dosen't look at porn, but you chances are very slim and if you did get another b/f after this one, if he is experienced with this, he will just lie to you from the start, and you'll never know if he looks at porn or not and probably won't even say till you are married.

EDIT: I had same problem with my X girl, well now she just that, my ex. My wife has the same problem, sure I try to stop, I'm positive a lot of guys out there honestly try to stop. But we stop for a couple months and get right back to it. Like I said it's not that we don't love our wives. If you love chocolate and your b/f did not like chocolate and he told you to stop , would you just stop , immediately? NO.If you are overweight and your b/f said get thin or i'll leave, would you do it right away?NO
As I said before it's a process of learning how to stop. The more you get on his case the more frustrated he will get with you(i've been there). Of course if this turns into actual cheating and going to strip clubs, well then i'd draw the line but I guess only God can help, that's my final suggestion, a good church and PRAYER cause men can't do this on our own, be understanding and help him.
What if I were to say both you and your b/f should stop pre-martial sex and wait till you are married, would you stop right away, could you even stop? and if not why is it ok? Think about it.

Answer 3

There are only two choices. One, learn to live with it. Two, don't live with it, stop crying about it, and move on if you CAN'T live with it. Because, honey, he's proven, he's not going to stop. And more than that, he's proven when his lips are moving, he's going to be LYING to you. All guys look at porn from time to time, but if he has a serious problem, he's not going to just "stop" no matter how much he says he is. I know you said not to tell you to just "leave" but if he's like this now, don't think for one minute if you marry him it will just stop. I can tell you that from experience. People that will lie, hide, and lie some more to do these kind of things, have some definite issues. Even addictions. You can "bust" him all you want on it, call him on his lying, yet....you stay even when you find out, so he knows there are no consequences whatsoever from his actions, other than having to hear you whine about it. He didn't tell you, because he knew 5 months ago that you probably wouldn't put up with it....because you just found out, and he didn't know what you would or wouldn't do about it, so he just told you what you wanted to hear. To make it go away. See what I mean? If you know you can't live with a liar, then don't. It's that simple. Easier said than done, I know...but you're only going to see more of this down the road....consider yourself warned.

Answer 4

He lied because you were probably nagging him to death about it. Stop nagging him - and he will stop lying. Most guys will look at porn; some can be more obvious about it, and others are more discreet. Ask him to use discretion and not look at it while you're around - whereas you, in turn, should stop snooping around his computer; give him some privacy. Unless it's taking over his life - what is a big problem with porn? Good luck finding a normally developed and sexually active guy who is not interested in it to some degree. Your b/f IS in essence telling you that he is NOT interested in stopping; the ball is in your court - can you back off and live with it? If not, you need to leave before you waste any more time trying to change a person who is unwilling to change.

Answer 5

there is nothing wrong with looking at porn. most all men do it, i don't know why. i would rather have my husband watch a corny porno than to go pick up a prostitute.
i don't think that being interested in porn is a sign that he is interested in having sex partners other than you, or that he is not attracted to you. it simply shows that he has an interest in sex. he finds it entertaining, just like you find renting a drama movie entertaining. bottom line, it does not have anything to do with your sex live.
our society has made us to believe that sex is dirty. this means many people just hide anything they do that has to do with sex. (most women will not talk about certain sex acts that they enjoy if people would think they are gross or nasty.)
a man gets in the habbit of hiding porn when he is young and living with his parents and doesn't want mom to chatch him - then it carrys over into adulthood.
you can't change him. this is his entertainment interest. if he liked action movies or video games he wouldn't change that, and you wouldn't make him. you wouldn't track how much he spent, how often he did, ect.
i would say mellow out. stop taking this as a personal insult to you. you are making it into a bigger issue than it is. you have created an enviornment where he feels dirty, and that's why he lies! just like we women "lie" when we shop if we think our boyfriend/husband will think what we spent money on was stupid.

Answer 6

First off the lying is wrong and he know's it have you ever considered he isn't getting enough lovin from you he has to
get some relief elsewhere. It could be worse he could be out cheating on but really us guys are just sex crazed maniacs at times and when we aren't getting from the GF or wife for some guys they revert to watching porn and giving themselves a handjob. Best thing to do is ask him why he watches porn get an honest answer from him rather just asking if he watches it? If he is a good guy then work through it the only response is he ain't gettin enough sex from you.
God Bless and Good Luck?

Answer 7

you reallllly need to chill out. There is nothing wrong with watching porn. it is a stimulant, nothing more. you are emotionally and physically tired for nothing. He isn't cheating on you and he is only lying to you because you can't accept the truth he gave you in the first place. if you love him so much, why aren't you watching porn with him? he was like this when you met him, so don't try to change it now. why does it matter if YOU like him watching porn or not anyway? HE likes to watch it, so what makes your wants any more deserving than his wants? You are being selfish and are going to lose him if you don't let him be.

Answer 8

Get rid of the computer. If that's not possible, get a key-logger and let it run for a couple of weeks, then confront him. When he denies looking at porn, show him a printout of all of the pictures, sites and chatrooms he's been in for the last to weeks and have him explain them (after he previously denied it). After this, give him an option; you or porn. This answer will guide you through what follows. If he chooses porn, be done with it. If he chooses you, his porn viewing days are over. If he does it again, it's over. You call the shots and lay down the rules.

Answer 9

Its JUST porn... Why worry yourself and get so mad over it. Its so immature to care about that stuff. If everything else in the relationship is good, but he watches porn, are you really going to ruin everything over something so small. Just relax a little bit. Its not a big deal.

Answer 10

He sees that you are abvously not going to leave him,so he doesnt care,and does it over ,and lies about it.You are putting up with him,and he sees that and is taking advantage of it because he sees that you will not do nothing about it.Scare hes a**.go to a freinds/family house,and tell him to call you when he is ready to be a Man.Not all men do that,and the ones that do sometimes grow out of it.Good luck honey.Dont let him take advantage of you.He will keep doing it until you take some Action.