its my first poem. you don't need to be nice. just rate it.
its untitled
Its funny when that one person you care for,
loves somebody new.
You try to get over them but your heart is still,
plunged deep down into blue.
Their special some one is better than you,
at least thats what it seems.
When all you ever wanted,
was to be that one boys dreams.
You lay awake at night thinking,
"How can i improve..
When life is constantly pulling me down,
Why the hell is god so crude?"
He shoves all the bad right down your throat,
"Does he think i can handle it all?"
Seeing that boy with someone else,
makes my heart begin to fall,
Deeper than the blue this time
its gone all the way to black.
Now i fear for the first time,
i may never get it back.
2007-03-20 05:36:18 · 13 answers · asked by Lexa 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
i like my poems to rhyme thanks.
it is more of a challenge that way.
so don't be all, "peoms don't have to rhyme," because i know they don't.
2007-03-20 05:48:05 · update #1
and thanks to the people who said they liked it!!
2007-03-20 05:48:59 · update #2
On a scale of 1-10, 4.5. You made mechanical errors. Also, think about adding some structure to your poem. I think it needs to be broken into stanzas or something to make it seems less blocky and more appealing to the reader.
If you use punctuation, which you do, make sure you are only using capitilization in necessary places, i.e. proper nouns and sentence beginnings. If you don't want to do this, then don't use punctuation; it makes things confusing.
Overall, great for a first try. Keep going.
2007-03-20 05:58:22 · answer #1 · answered by Heather 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly this poem is not good at all. The idea behind it, of loving a person who loves someone else, is cliche. Also, quite unpoetically, you just state in plain words how you feel. It is not original, interesting or new. There is little poetic language, i.e. metaphor, simile, alliteration, allusion, hyperbole, etc. Although it does rhyme, the rhymes seem forced. And there is no real rhyme scheme, except i guess every other line rhymes.
On a scale of 1-10 i would give it a 2 or maybe 3.
Read some real poems/poets, find one you like, and figure out how they do what you like and try to copy them. Once you can do what they do, and better it. Then you will find your own voice and write well.
2007-03-20 08:20:51 · answer #2 · answered by Mr Big 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a very good poem and states your feelings very well. When I write poems, I like them to rhyme too even though I, also, know you don't have to rhyme in order for it to be poetry. Good job. Keep up the good work and never ever throw away your early work. Believe me, you will regret it if you do. I threw away a lot of stuff and I regret it.
Vicky
2007-03-20 08:54:22 · answer #3 · answered by loofahcat2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some of the rhymes are a bit awkward. Overall, it's good for a little something you write in your journal to get out your feelings. But I don't claim to be a poetry expert, so maybe it's really good.
2007-03-20 05:45:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
pretty good. the flow needs a little work (i know, i know, poetry doesn't need to rhyme, but the flow is not completely dependent on how well your poem rhymes) it's very bitter but i kinda like it. keep on writing!
peace
2007-03-20 05:53:02 · answer #5 · answered by Shadow Lark 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hey that's a great poem! I take it's from real life events for you? but anyways that's the kind of poems that normally hit everyone straight to the heart! keep it up chick!
2007-03-20 05:47:37 · answer #6 · answered by tiffahilley 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
personally i write peoms and this is a beautiful peom. girl keep up the good work
2007-03-20 08:36:50 · answer #7 · answered by lisa h 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really good - rhythm's excellent and it's simple! but maybe a little lacking in originality..
2007-03-20 05:46:04 · answer #8 · answered by Basil 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
very nice for your fisrt poem. keep on writing!
2007-03-20 06:05:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice!!
2007-03-20 05:40:17 · answer #10 · answered by Suga Baby 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋