The problem is it was with his ex, but he has not contacted her since and i found out by chance a few weeks later. We have an 11 month old daughter and i want to forgive him but i am finding it so hard to get the thoughts of the betrayal out of my mind.
2007-03-20 05:33:39 · 107 answers · asked by Miss Fit!! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes, one should forgive which alone can help in cementing the relationship.
2007-03-23 22:01:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Alright, I have read the first 20 answers. And to be honest, I think NONE of you are being fair (those first ones, at least!) Let me tell you my opinion. Yes, your man still has feelings for his ex. But if the situation was reversed, if you had an ex you honestly cared a lot about, and was drunk enough, then if you look hard enough (and honestly enough) then you might've slept with him. And at the VERY least, you would have been tempted to. A few more beers....
But no, I have to say that the feelings of betrayal will hurt, rather than help, your family (daughter included). Making him feel guilty will only make things worse for your daughter. If you try therapy, and it doesn't work, then splitting up will be the best option. But look at yourself, not him. You will be splitting up because you can't forgive him, not because he cheated on you. Fess up to the facts on that one. And that's alright! If you can't come to grips with what happened, then whatever relationship you will keep with your partner will be shallow, weak, and will not stand up against the test of time and hardship. Don't make your daughter suffer. And she will, if she is in a household where "I would never let him forget". And trust me when I say it is a lot easier for you to get gov benefits than it would be for a single father.
On another note, lipling has brought up VERY good points. Listen to what she is saying, and give it some deep, soul-searching thought.
2007-03-21 22:16:29 · answer #2 · answered by Lost Boy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did he tell you, or did you learn from someone else? That's an important piece. Did he tell you of his mistake, or did you learn it another way? And when you learned it, did he admit his mistake and vow to NEVER do it again?
I feel a couple of ways about this one. First, we all make mistakes, therefore I think there is room for forgiveness. However, we MUST learn from these mistakes. If you are certain that this will NEVER happen again, then I think there is a chance here, but I think you two need some sessions with a counselor and he needs someone that will keep him accountable. Someone that will MAKE SURE that he never does this to his family again. It's best if this objective person is not related to either of you, but is trusted by both of you.
Secondly, there's something else that bothers me in this story. Why were the two things together? Why was there an ex and alcohol in the same vicinity? There's something fishy there I think. He needs to keep those two elements apart from one another for the rest of his married life. And if he has a problem keeping things "tucked away" when the alcohol starts flowing, then he doesn't need to be doing any drinking without his wife present. You should be his only lay!!
2007-03-20 06:17:12 · answer #3 · answered by Dino 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before I might have said yes BUT, sorry the answer is NO. The truth is he cheated on YOU! Being drunk is just an exuse for what he did. Could or would he forgive you? The fact that he cheated is always going to linger in the back of your mind which, will lead to problems. From personal experience, it will just cause the trust to go down the drain and when you two are together sexually- it will never be the same. Besides, when your daughter gets older is that something that you would want for her? What examples as a woman would you want to set for her? I'm sorry you're going through this but you have to really think about the life you would lead with a cheater. Once or more than once- he's a cheater. I 'm raising my 15 month old daughter alone, and everything that I do, I think about her and what I want to teach her in life. Do whatever is best in your life for yourself and your daughter! Good Luck! :)
2007-03-20 05:47:41 · answer #4 · answered by Butterfly 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes I could. I have told my husband that I will forgive a drunken one night thing if he tells me about it and is truly sorry. There would be one hell of a row but we would get over it.
I'm also a big believer that people stray for a reason. That there is something emotional they are not getting at home. Do you think he has been overwhelmed a bit by father hood? Do you not give as much to the relationship as you did before the baby? Or were you not a couple together long enough before you became pregnant to look to the good times before the baby to know that they will come again?
Keep talking to him.
2007-03-20 10:03:26 · answer #5 · answered by Leapling 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no good enough excuse for infidelity in marriage, but it does happen. We are all human and some of us find that we sometimes don't have the same strength to fight temptation. As this did involve his ex I can understand your dilemma in forgiving him. It is something that you both will need to keep talking about. Don't keep this anger and resentment bottled up. There have been many couples that have gone through trust issues like yours and made their marriage work, but it will require complete forgiveness on your part and constant remorse on his. It will all depend on how much effort you both put into it. Good Luck and keep the communication lines open between you.
2007-03-20 05:58:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To forgive him is to put all of that behind you and move on. if you can do this because you want to do it for yourself then -- by all means do it. It will take time -- but you have to make the choice to not use this against him and leave it alone, or will this thing just continually eat you up inside. It is not about your daughter right now -- she will be fine as she will always have the two of you as her parents.
He was wrong, and he has to prove himself to you all over again -- no matter how long it takes -- but you have to help the process -- not hinder it, if you choose to keep this relationship.
Can you learn to trust him again? big question, that you have to answer.
Is he willing to prove himself to you? Has he apologized? How did you find out? did he tell you or what? these question play a big part in making your decision to stay or go.
I am not going to tell you what to do -- simply because I can't -- but I am here if you need to talk.
Don't rush your decision, and follow your first instinct, follow your heart and I pray things work out for you and your baby.
2007-03-20 05:50:12 · answer #7 · answered by Quest 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hmmm been there. This is where the cheater has to show that they are truely sorry. My ex said she was BUT her actions proved otherwise. It takes two to make things right after a betrayel. If he isnt 150% devoted to gaining your forgiveness then he is not worth it. It will take a long long time for your trust to be reestablished. If he thinks you should get over it 1 year afterwards and your not, lose him. Everyone is different in how long they need to get past something like this. Since he didnt confess this too you I'm thinking he isnt that serious about it. My instincts say leave him but in the end its your choice
2007-03-20 05:41:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If it had been someone else then maybe I could, but the worst betrayal is an EX.... I would not be able to forgive my partner because EX should mean just that EX.....
2007-03-21 09:30:15 · answer #9 · answered by Lisa P 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe if he had been honest and told you about it straight away then i would say try to forgive and forget but you only found out by chance a few weeks later! If it was me it would do my head in too much i would need to end it but only you can know how you feel, maybe spend a few weeks apart and see how you both feel?
2007-03-20 08:40:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd forgive because it's is ex and he's already been there and done that and people do slip up but I wouldn't believe the drunken excuse. 'Being drunk' is never a valid excuse.
This won't just go away overnight but concentrate on your daughter for now and if necessary have counselling.
2007-03-20 07:06:24 · answer #11 · answered by Bugs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋