Marriage is falling apart, separated and devistated?

Question

A few weeks ago i felt that something was not right with my husband so i continued to ask him what was going on.He was not being affectionate with me and disregarded my hurt feelings.He finally admitted that he doesn't want this.He's been living at his brothers house going on 3 weeks now.We've been married almost 13 years, and have 3 children.We were married young (i'm 32 he's 36 now).But we've always had a wonderful marriage.We have no real issue's, get along great, have lots of fun and laugh and always been affectionate.We agreed to not see each other at all this week in hopes that he would come to his senses.But i'm terrified he won't.NO one saw this coming, including him.My 16/14/12 year old kids are devistated.They don't understand why he can't at least try to work things out.He said that he's never felt he was falling out of love with me,but feels being my friend is good enough right now.There is definately room for improvement,but i'm so angry that he's not even willing to try.

I should also mention that the only other time we had a problem is when he was laid off from work and times were tough, like now, and we share a place with his mother, who is reliant on depression pills and the sort,along with his only only brother.

Answer 1

thats abandonment...

you need to stay strong and stand your ground. your children depend upon you doing so.

focus on them

dont sit and wait for him to "decide" if he wants to be part of the family or not. your just in shock, from all of it.

til then, your children need support. join a single parent group or hobby club of some sort. go back to school.

its worse if you just sit there waiting... hoping for a response from him. you need to get up, on your feet, and keep busy.

it really does help.


CHILD SUPPORT CALCULATOR
http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/

ABANDONMENT (NO SHOW PARENTS)
http://www.alllaw.com/articles/family/

NOT ALL PARENTS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN
And "RATIONAL LIES"
http://www.alllaw.com/articles/family/child_custody/article7.asp



LAWS
http://www.divorcehq.com/spprtgroups.html
http://www.divorceinfo.com/statebystate.htm
http://www.divorcenet.com/states
http://www.divorcesource.com/
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/deadbeat/deadbeat.shtml
http://www.divorcecentral.com/
http://family.findlaw.com/
http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/unpaid-support/support-orders-enforcement.html
http://www.divorcehq.com/deadbeat.html
http://www.divorceinfo.com/
http://www.divorceinanutshell.com/
http://www.lawchek.com/Library1/_books/domestic/qanda/childsupp.htm
http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/support-laws/state-child-/
http://www.supportguidelines.com/resources.html
http://www.supportguidelines.com/links.html
http://www.supportguidelines.com/laypersons.html
http://www.supportguidelines.com/articles/news.html
http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/support-basics/
http://www.spiesonline.net/deadbeat.shtml
http://www.childsupport-aces.org/index2.html

STATS
http://www.childsupport-aces.org/acesstatistics.html

FINDING DEADBEATS
(and background cks to find them)
http://www.usarecordssearch.com/
http://deadbeatsnitch.com/
http://www.wantedposters.com/skiptrace.htm
http://find.intelius.com/search-name.php?ReportType=1&
http://omnitrace.com/Missing-Persons-Search.html?OVRAW=deadbeat&OVKEY=deadbeat&OVMTC=standard
http://www.discreetdata.com/index.html
http://www.identitycrawler.net/people_search.html
http://www.peoplefinders.com
http://zabasearch.com/
http://www.crimcheck.com/personalreports.htm
http://www.easybackgroundchecks.com/
http://www.abika.com/
http://www.freeprf.com/
http://www.efindoutthetruth.com/
http://www.netsleuth.com/
http://netonlineinvestigators.com/index.asp
http://www.backgroundcheckgateway.com/
http://www.backgroundcheckgateway.com/locate-people.html


FED AGENCIES
http://www.ncsea.org/
http://www.nfja.org/index.shtml
http://www.naag.org/issues/issue-consumer.php

REGIONAL FEDERAL CHILD SUPPORT OFFICES
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/oro/regions/acf_regions.html

FACTS AND REGIONAL FEDERAL CS OFFICE INFO
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/fct/fct4.htm
http://www.divorcesource.com/WI/ARTICLES/beaulier11.html
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/opa/fact_sheets/cse_factsheet.html
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/newhire/index.html
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/faq.html
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/newhire/fop/passport.htm
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/newhire/fop/fop.htm
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/newhire/faq/faq.htm
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/grants/grants_cse.html
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/index.html
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/region2/index.html
http://www.fms.treas.gov/faq/offsets_childsupport.html
http://www.govbenefits.gov/govbenefits_en.portal
http://www.fedstats.gov/qf/
http://www.fedworld.gov/gov-links.html
http://fatherhood.hhs.gov/pfs92/ch3.htm

SSI AND CHILD SUPPORT
http://www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/policybriefs/pb2004-02.html
http://www.ssa.gov/notices/supplemental-security-income/
http://family.findlaw.com/

FIND YOUR REPS
http://www.usa.gov/
http://www.usa.gov/Agencies/State_and_Territories.shtml
http://www.nga.org
http://www.naag.org/attorneys_general.php
http://judiciary.senate.gov/

CHILD SUPPORT LIEN NETWORK
(some states work with them)
http://www.childsupportliens.com/

COLLECTORS
http://www.supportkids.com/
http://www.supportcollectors.com/faq.php
http://www.deadbeatdadfinders.com/
http://www.deadbeatdadfinders.com/links.html
http://www.childsupport-aces.org/index2.html
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/deadbeat/deadbeat.shtml

TAX INFO
http://www.taxsites.com/index.htm
http://www.divorceinfo.com/taxes.htm
http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc354.html
http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc422.html
http://www.irs.gov/faqs/faq4-5.html
http://www.irs.gov/localcontacts/index.html
http://www.irs.gov/advocate/index.html
http://www.irs.gov/publications/p525/index.html

http://www.fms.treas.gov/faq/offsets_childsupport.html
http://www.irs.gov/publications/p504/ar02.html#d0e563
http://money.cnn.com/2007/02/14/pf/taxes/do_not_miss_tax_breaks/index.htm?postversion=2007021411

REPORT DEADBEATS
WORKING UNDER THE TABLE
(in writing, to your local and federal IRS offices)
http://www.irs.gov/localcontacts/index.html
http://www.irs.gov/compliance/enforcement/article/0,,id=106778,00.html

SEX OFFENDERS
http://www.mapsexoffenders.com/
http://www.scanusa.com/
http://www.nsopr.gov/
http://www.familywatchdog.us/Default.asp

Answer 2

You have stressors from all angles. Good Luck.
Living with his parents does not help the situation, he may be in a mid life crisis and if you both care about each other, things will pass. Be there, communicate even more and let him know that things are OK even if they could be better. Your kids will never understand all the issues but try to keep them assured that even though it is hard now that for them to things will get better.

Answer 3

OMG - I am practically the same situation. My husband is 39 and is leaving after 20 years. My three children are devasted. I told him I want the move to be temporary - then he says - temporary then we will see.
Just let me say - being in this same situation - one day at a time. It is getting better but I do have some bad days/times. Be there for your children and dont let their lives change too much with your husband being out of the picture. I try to make my kids days as normal as before (except for Dad not being there) I would do anything for my children to be happy. Also work on yourself. I know it is hard to do something for yourself - but get out. After 3 monthsI finally went out with some friends (made then drive so I had to stay with them) and I had a great time. It started out rough but it got better. It is hard to make that breaking decision to go out without your spouse (unless you are used to it) but I now know I wished I wouldn't have waited so long.
I am also seeing a counselor to help with my depression over this matter.
Hang in there, one day at a time.

Answer 4

I think I see a problem. Problem is in your addtional additional detail. You have said this happened once before when he was laid off and time was tough and now you are in same situation now. As husband, father, and a man, we feel responsibility to our wife and kids and that we should provide all the family's need but when we fail to do so, we feel we have let our family down and feel great stressed. When this happended first time he was able to over come the stress but this is happening again and now he can no longer deal with stress. To avoid this stress, I think he is trying to separate himself from you and the kids. I know to some they think he is running away from the problem, but this is second time that has happend and he just want to remove himself away from responsibilities. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or your kids, but just can't deal with responsibility and proberly feels that he has failed as man. I can relate because I in same situation. I have always thought that I was main provider of my family but with business that I have started is failing and now have hard time providing for my family I feel tremendous stress and just want to remove myself from this situation. But as father and husband, I am trying to do my best. For your husband, he overcame this situation first time, for second time he is having hard time overcoming it. Do you work? Do you do anything to help financially? Staying with your in law my not be comfortable, but until both of you get on your feet, do not feel angry or feel the pressure. Talk to your husband. Encourage him and try to see if you can help more financially. That is what my family is doing and that is what's getting me through the day.

Answer 5

Get him to agree to therapy, marriage counseling or some other therapy where he can talk about things with someone other than you. Check on counseling for your children also. The future is an unknown right now and you need to start working on what's wrong now. Most counties have a mental health dept. that can offer you information on these things.

Answer 6

Wow, I am really sorry about your situation and being that I went through a separation last March and finally a divorce about 6 months later, I can completely resonate with what you are most likely going through right now. When someone attempts to offer advice during something like this, it usually is something along the lines of "just give it time" and I used to hate hearing that because, well when you deal with something like this time feels like the only thing you have. However, the reasoning for this I realized later was because I was focused on my situation so much and would over analyze my entire situation seeing where we went wrong and if I should try to work things out. I was very depressed at first as most people are because this person is family to you, they are suppose to be on your side through thick and thin and live up to the commitment and vows that were once taken. It is like experiencing the death of a loved one in that you are losing something that may never come back. So please believe that there are many others who have and are going through this and in all honesty, the best thing that you can do for yourself as I have learned is to yes, vent out your pain from this ordeal but do not let them consume and drain you completely. I started to learn that the more occupied I was, the less I would allow myself to be submerged in the situation and the more strength I began to gain that helped me to face my pain and the fears that this new change would bring to my life. I am unsure of what has caused your husband to decide to leave and perhaps he will realize the error of his ways before it is too late and if that is what you want, I sincerely hope that you get it. However, if he doesn't come back please remember that your life will continue and that there will be positive things that come into play as time passes like regaining your independence and being able to spend time getting reacquainted with yourself. In my situation, I never realized how dependent I was on my ex until he was gone but having to do the things that I would rely on him for gave me a sense of pride and regained confidence that I has kind of lost. I also began taking up hobbies that I just never would have if I would have stayed and can finally say that I made the best choice by not going back to him. The only thing that I am unsure of in regards to your question is that "He said that he's never felt he was falling out of love with me,but feels being my friend is good enough right now." It appears to me that he is either stringing you along or something is just weird there. He is married to you for God's sake and is telling you that you are better off as friends for right now? That's not fair to you, if he is through with the marriage he needs to cement that and if he's not sure you guys should perhaps go to counseling because it is not fair to leave you waiting around for him to come around when there is a good possibility that it won't happen. I think that as hard as it will be for you to hear, he needs to give you his final word and not mess around with your head with comments like that. I think that you are being really great about this, even giving him time to figure it out but it's been almost a month now and you do not deserve to wait around. Like I said, I would suggest counseling if he really is unsure of his feelings but if not, please don't think that its the end of the world because of the end of your marriage. Things will get worse before they get better, but the thing to remember most importantly is that they will get better. I hope that you don't misconstrue what I am writing as already writing off your relationship for the worst possible outcome and I hope that he does indeed comes to his senses but if he does decide to end it, I hope what I have learned can be of help and if you ever need someone to talk to you can IM or email me and I will try to help or at least lend an ear.

Take care good luck :)

Answer 7

You cant change someone's feelings based on what you feel. It's unfortunate that the "great" relationship you had, was probably merely your perception of it. You just have to concentrate on other things and try not to think about him, something/someone is keeping his attention.

Answer 8

It sounds like the problem is not with the two of you but the circumstances regarding his mom and brother. I would try to seek counseling for the two of you so that you can help him to deal with those situations and so that he can get help dealing with them. Counseling and prayer is what I suggest. Include the children in this as well.

Answer 9

He could be having some kind of mental / emotional problems
or he could be either cheating or have some other woman
with whom he wishes to have an affair...
Give him his week and see what happens..
Be prepared for the worst...
Hope for the best...