Before i begin: I'm from a muslim culture, asian, quite traditional, and have strong cultural values. I knew my wife for a few months before marriage, we were engaged and used to speak on the phone for hours... we told each other everything about our past.
She always told me she had never been with any man before, never had a boyfriend, and was a nice muslim. I myself had never touched a woman, and was a virgin on my wedding night. That is a very important cultural value i hold. A few days ago i found out that my wife had been in a steady relationship with a boy in university, slept with him and was with him for over a year. Went on holidays with him, and was also pregnant with his baby (which she got aborted). I always had doubts from the wedding nights, but never let them effect our relationship. It is just hurting too much knowning that every moment she spends with me, she has done it with this man! nothing seems special anymore, i don't even feel like touching her.. please help!
2007-03-20 04:30:12 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you all for your advice, it really helps at this moment in time, where all i can think of is what my wife used to do with another man... and the images this stupid human brain of mine paints, is one that suffocates me to the point where i have not been able to swallow a single solid since the past 5 days! All i can do is eat soup or drink tea...
I know i should be a bigger person, and let this go, especially since it is my wife who finally confessed it to me, and the stupid fool i was, i got carried away and asked for details, which will haunt me all my life now. I am only to blame for wanting to know the past. Now how to repair this relationship, where she has shown me nothing but love, is what i need to know how to deal with. I don't know how or what I can do to make things better between us, we even trying intercourse last night, and i couldn't even get started, the pictures of her and another man are like living hell day in and day out!
2007-03-20 05:03:36 · update #1
CONGRATS COZ U LOVE HER ALOT AND U CARE FOR HER.THOUGH SHE HAS CONFESSED YOU ABOUT HER PAST BY TELLING THE TRUTH YOU SHUD BE HAPPY BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND UR SITUATION , IN ONE WAY SHE IN UR WIFE , NOW YOU CANT EVEN LEAVE HER.
HER PAST WAS NOT LOVE AND IT WAS JUST A LUST , IN WHICH SHE FALL AND COMITTED THE SIN , BUT IT WAS NOT LOVE WAS KIND OF ATTRACTION BETWEEN SHE AND THAT BF.ND THATS Y ITS END CAME, MEANS UR WIFE DIDNT LOVED THAT GUY.
MORE THAN PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP love MATTERS,U CAN BUY SEX BUT U CANT BUY LOVE.and your wife loves you alot thats y she confessed you about the past after you marriage , you know y she didnt confessed you earlier becoz she didnt wanted to loose you.
you must be proud to have such a wife who has the courage to tell her husband that truth which no other woman can do to break her marriage.she has lot trust upon you thats y she told, dont break her trust.
YOU R MARRIED WITH HER , AND GOD HAS CHOOSED HER FOR YOU.SO NOW ITS RESPONSIBLITY OF URS TO KEEP HER HAPPY ,DONT BREAK THIS WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.
TRY TO FORGET THE PAST, COZ THE PAST IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK, SO DONT LET THE PAST TO OVERCOME UR FUTURE.
MAK YOUR FUTURE BEAUTIFUL.
NOW YOU R A HUSBAND AND YOU SHULD LOVE YOUR WIFE AS URSELF , SHE IS PART OF YOUR LIFE .
love her alot alot , because she trusts you alot thats why she told the truth , no woman is so foolish who will tell abut such thing which could break her marriage.
be proud of your wifes trust on you .dont break her turst.,keeping this is mind, though she comiited sin but if you dont give her a love of husband than you will also CHEAT her.so you can separate the distance between you nd ur wife by love.
if your love is true for her , you will surley try to make her happy and you WILL NOT THINK FOR YOURSELF YOU WILL THINK MORE FOR HER HAPINESS.
now its upto you .may god bless your marriage life,nd i will pary to god , to bless your marriage life.
2007-03-20 08:26:08 · answer #1 · answered by ponkeyrumu 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Depends on the person. Some should not be having sex at all. But there are people who should be having pre-martial sex. These would be the people who really like it, and want to try and explore different kinds. If you wait until marriage, you will only get one version of it. It's like betting all your money on one roll of the dice. It might be wonderful, or bad, but nothing in between, and nothing to have a perspective on, because if you have only had one partner, you don't have anything to gauge it on. If you have a some bad ones, and some good ones, you get an idea about what you like before you marry it. The cons about pre-martial, is that you run the risk with STD's (and yes they are out there, even with protection), and all stigma that it can sometimes bring. If you are a real church person, having a wild sex life could be bad. But there again, many who sin, go to church pretty regularly, so it depends on the person. Sex from the start should be like go out to eat. Trying new stuff, and really trying new things, than to right off a whole sexual adventure in lieu of strong negative reliegious views that has some scripture against it. Most forget that when the Bible was written, they didn't have preventions and birth control. Any kind of sex outside your designated partner though marriage would have been a bad thing for two reasons alone. Now that we can control both, not so bad. But God still doesn't like it, yet we have the ability to engage. Of course, you can make scripture fit any modern idea, and make it well if you believe in it enough. That's the whole leap of faith thing that some fall into. Let it be for the person to decide, not what the norm is either way. Some should be having all kinds of sex, others, not so much. I just wished the two would not mingle, because then you have cheaters and wrecked marriages.
2016-03-16 23:29:47 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marital relationship is not about sex or virginity. They just form a miniscule part of a relationship that bounds and brings about lot many things. So if you are really bothered about your wife loosing her virginity to someone else before marriage then you are looking at just one aspect gone wrong and not enjoying a lot many other.
But if the fact that worries you is not about her loosing her virginity before the marriage but that she hid that from you, or rather lied to you, it is then a matter honesty and truthfulness in a relationship. Now a simple question arises, would you have accepted her if you knew the truth? The answer would predominantly be NO, as that is the case when it comes to the culture that you had mentioned about. In such a scenario, it is very much difficult for a girl to be truthful about such acts.
My advice would be, if you find your wife to be caring and loving to you and your family members, ready to be at your side through happiness and sorrow, ready to create a happy family for you to cherish, then you should just take what happened as an adolescent's act and carry on living ur life with her. Who knows, you may loose all the joy of your life if you loose her.
2007-03-20 05:32:40 · answer #3 · answered by 2_b_or_not_2_b 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all before doing anything make sure you are 100% right. It might be just your doubts.
I understand your stress. Brother what had happened in the past cannot be changed. I would suggest you to talk about the issue with your wife. The conditions might have been different for her? Her problems? Family?
I just saw that many people included an option of divorce. Brother it has been said that Talaaq is one of those things that Allah hates most. Both heaven and earth shake when somebody gives Talaaq.
If she loves you and repents what she had done try to forgive her. Forgiveness is the greatest of virtues in Islam. I am sure Allah almighty will show you the way.
2007-03-20 04:41:30 · answer #4 · answered by Riz 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Happy to know that you still love her. If she confessed her sin to allah and repented to him, She is a great persion and she will never commit the sin again.
But who are we to judge her, only allah is the owner of judgment and forgiveness.
But as far as you are concerned about happiness you are the owner of your happiness.
There can be three consequence:
1.either u can be more happy,if you both really still love each other and stay married.
2.or pretend to be happy to make her happy and your family for reputation, one day you get frustrated and did something wrong as she did.
3.Get rid of it by divorcing her and marry someone who is Virgin and never lie and you will be happy with. There is nothing wrong in this situation becouse you are not divorcing her without resion.
The choice is yours and depends on your thinking.
Becouse we can't meke you think differently.
My sincere request to u to choose either point 1 or 3.
If you pick point 2,u will ruin her and your next gen life.
2015-06-14 21:33:44 · answer #5 · answered by Masirul Islam 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'll start by letting you know that although I am a christian, and we have a different faith and culture, I understand that abstaining from sex is very important to muslim people before marriage, and I have the upmost repspect for you, you obviously have very strong principles and stick to them. It was very wrong of your wife to lie to you before you married about her past. However, she knew that if she told you the truth you would probably leave her. Please try to understand that she is just a human, we all make mistakes. I know its hard picturing her with her ex lover but remember that exes are exes for a reason. She loves you. You wanted to marry a virgin, but you didnt. If you love her, you will forgive her and move on. Its not worth breaking up over.
2007-03-20 07:28:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anyone who only dates a "few months" before getting married is just asking for this type of problem. Had you dated for a couple of years, like smart people do, these types of things usually come out into the open.
Fact is she lied to you going in on something of vast importance to you. You should feel hurt, and robbed of your values. Question is if she could lie about this, what else did she lie to you about? You only have two options, either forgive her and move on for the sake of the marriage, or divorce her and find a good girl.
Counseling is a joke and those who tell you to do it never have. It never works unless someone is willing to completely give in, fact is you can do that without counseling to begin with.
In the end it is your choice...
2007-03-20 04:39:43 · answer #7 · answered by Just a friend. 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Let it go. You obviously love her or else you would not have married her. This happened before you were together. Are you proud of every single thing you did in your life? What does your religion teach you about forgiveness.
If you decide to forgive her you must forget about this and never hold it against her. This is a choice you will be making to overlook this.
2007-03-20 07:06:38 · answer #8 · answered by MrClaw 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People give Public Notices in Dailies seeking objections of previous sales, agreements, possessions, mortgages, etc., before purchasing a flat, house or house site yet marry very confidentially without thoroughly enquiring and letting know others. Probably you tested and satisfied yourself about her education, family background, social status, financial position, appearance and everything else prior to marriage. It seems you never bothered to see whether or not she was strictly following all the teachings of her religion. If she was, her religion would have restrained her. All pre/extra marital (unwed) sexual activities are strictly prohibited in Islam as grave sins & heinous crimes punishable with publicly lashing/death by pelting stones. Even a murderer may be pardoned or excused by legal heirs of the murdered but none (Govt., PM, President, Court, Judge or a party to sex) can pardon or excuse the adulterer or adulteress. Strict followers of Islam are totally and fully free from unwed sexual acts, AIDS & STD. None restrains them forcibly but their believed and voluntarily accepted Islamic teachings & commands.
However if she repents, feels guilty and ashamed, begs for pardon from her Creator, and honestly determined to refrain from such sins by practising Islam, her Creator will be very merciful to her. If not, you may divorce, pronouncing a Talaq every lunar month for 3 consecutive months or till both compromise, while she was not menstruating and remained in your house without sharing your bed. If she asks for divorce, you shall agree. None is required to approach any court to clean their dirty linen on the roads.
2007-03-20 05:24:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand that it is not so easy to forget or forgive. But how does she behave now? Is she still having relationship with that man? Go to a far off place from home, but keep an eye on her & ur house. If u still find her wrong then quit the relationship.
2007-03-20 04:56:29 · answer #10 · answered by Smile- conquers the world 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me began by saying your wife was very wrong for not telling you the truth before the wedding. However, I'm sure she wanted to tell you so many times, but she got close enough to you to know if she had ever told you that you would be lost to her forever. So she decided to take a chance and pray that you love her enough to overcome her past and move on. Is there anyway you two can try talking to someone like the pastor or something to try to get past it? That is if you still love her enough to even try to save the marriage. Good Luck and God Bless!!!!!
2007-03-20 04:45:06 · answer #11 · answered by kryptonnite2000 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋