Married 17 years, was cheated on 11 years ago. Keep reliving the bad times. Still love him. What can I do?

Answer 1

You need to get counseling so you can deal with this and move on. You are punishing yourself and your spouse for something that happened ages ago. You have no chance at happiness and a successful marriage if you keep holding this against your spouse. The Bible says to forgive. You need to forgive and forget. I assume you told your spouse you forgave them if you are together 6 years later. Don't make a liar of yourself and bring additional problems to your marriage. Please do seek counseling so you can have the best life together that you can.

Answer 2

That is my story exactly, we finally divorced because I kept reliving it and the bottom line is that you are making the both of you miserable. I been divorced for a year and a half- after 16 years of marriage. And it's true that once you divorce, it's not going to make the pain go away or that you will stop loving him, I tell my ex that I still love him but I can no longer make him or myself miserable any more. Even when I want to say lets get back together, I have to remember the hurt I felt for all these years and how badly I treated him because of it and it's just not worth making some other person keep "paying " for something that happened a long time ago. It does get better. And if there's children, my son told me that we both made him unhappy by staying together. He's 17 now and lives with me. It's tough and I really wish you the best.

Answer 3

This is such a common problem between couples. When the person you think loves you more than life itself betrays you by being with another woman/man, it nearly destroys you. It is not easy to go back to how it was without professional intervention......so much damage has been done by betrayal, and its not easy to forgive and forget....you can forgive sure, but its near impossible to forget, so a couple need help to deal with the memories....to learn how to put them into perspective....too many couples go back with each other thinking that love will be enough...in some cases it is, but in the majority it is not. It is the rare marriage indeeds that survives infidelity without counselling from an experienced and qualified marriage counsellor.

It is not too late. You just have to sit your husband down and tell him that his past deeds have affected you badly, and as hard as you have tried to let it go, you cant. You can also tell him, that this if very normal, and that you think its about time you got some help for the pain you are suffering on a daily basis. 11 years is a long time to hold on to this hurt, and you must be feeling terrible. I can also hazzard a guess that your self-esteem would have taken a huge nose dive when you found out about the affair and has slowly been decreasing as the years go by. This is very serious and its time to take action......a good counsellor will be able to help you because it is clear you cannot handle it on your own. For counselling to be the most effective, you husband has to be prepared to be involved as well because, they were his deeds that have made you feel this way, so he has to be willing to go with you.

Infedility is like a festering sore and if not healed properly, it will keep on festering and that is exactly what has happened with you......its probably the size of a football field now because it wasnt dealt with 11 years ago. Deal with it now and I bet you will be pleasantly surprised....You dont have to do this alone, there is help for your problem....do it now before the past destroys you.

Be kind to yourself and get some help.

Answer 4

Not enough info...what did you do as a couple after the affair? Did you go to counseling or just say "forgive and forget." Did he apologize to you for the affair? Why did he feel the need to cheat? It doesn't sound like you resolved the issue of the cheating and the relationship hasn't been mended.

If you haven't gone to get help, do so immediately. It just sounds like there wasn't any resolution or an understanding about why the cheating took place. Until both of you understand what happened, you'll continue to relive the bad times.

Answer 5

Hi Lola, I admire you for standing by your husband's side. I am saddened however that this has been at the expense of your own compassionate self. There is hope for the both of you to find happiness together again.

There are several things that you can do. If you are a reader, you can read the "How To Improve Your Marriage...Without Talking About It." I would recommend this book for anyone in a relationship or has been in one or will be in one. The examples and tools in this book are phenomenal and on point. If you like more of a hands on approach there are training classes and boot camps that are offered by Stosny through this website. There are also programs that you can order from him on CD. Go to this website for more information: www.compassionpower.com
Through all of these programs you will be able to rediscover your compassion and let go of resentment. Some of Stosny's suggestions are to replace the resentment with a new memory. I couldn't do the program justice with a simple explanation here, though, so hopefully you can look into it and find what you need here.

The other suggestions would be to try NLP -- neurolinguistic programming. This is another technique that essentially replaces the memory by remapping the way you respond to specific stimuli in your brain (basically memories) in your case. There are books, programs, and websites on this too. To find out more about what it is though you can go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Then of course there is the standard counseling route. This route is more complicated and more questionable in my opinion however, because you rely on someone else to solve this and their solutions are limited based on their background. If you know of someone that is into integrating different methods like the ones above and are open minded to your choices and background then a good counselor can be a guide to connecting you with the proper techniques and tools that are available.

Take Care.

Answer 6

if you haven't divorced him, it means something. does he love you too? did he ever cheated on you again, is he capable of cheating on you again? do you have kids? you may think that I'm a fool, but in marriage, you may forgive him once, if he truly regretted it, and haven't done it in 11 years, than try to let it go, and enjoy the present, and don't think about what happened then. yes, these kind of things make you insecure, and he has to earn your trust again, after 11 years you should be able to forgive him, and trust him again, it's been a long time ago. if you want to divorce hi, try to find a stronger argument for it. does he treat you well, does he take care of the kids, does he support you? it was a mistake, don't judge him by that, judge him by the person he is now, don't divorce him, only because you couldn't forgive him once. you said you love him, try to understand him, i think you still live in that past, when you couldn't trust him. think logically, if he would be a cheater, he would have done it again and again, in 11 years he would have had the opportunity. try to forget the past, and enjoy what you have, because life is too short, to worry about the past. good luck!

Answer 7

Two people very close to me had this same problem once. I knew them both very well from many years. I knew that when this cheating relationship happened that the man and the woman were having some serious disorders in their health. For example the woman was suffering from post-partum syndrome and had had a miscarriage. And the man was heartbroken and had no one to comfort him. Eventually they both came to their senses. The man's head straightened out and he regretted that he ever turned to another woman and knew he had done a terrible thing to his family. They remained together, but the woman never forgave him. And so their family remained dysfunctional.

In order to get over this, both sides have to fully reconcile with one another, and know that it is over and done. It will take either a priest, minister or therapist to help. If your marriage vows are before God, you need to reconcile before God as well, because your brokeness is before Him. "The Lord is my Shepherd, He alone restores my soul". [And my marriage]. "His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in His House forever".

Catholics have a program called Retrovaille to help to restore broken relationships. Talk to your Church or some friends about this.

Answer 8

You are not telling us everything, 11 years is a long time ago to not get over it or leave.

Answer 9

It would have to be very hard to live with infidelity. I'm sure it will always be there in the back of your mind. But you have to weigh the old pain with the love you feel for your husband. Which is the stronger? Take your time and think it over and then decide. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

If you haven't forgotten it in 11 years, there's a good likelihood you're not going to. The way I see it is, you have two choices.....live with it, or get a divorce. If you get a divorce, you will still hurt.....divorce is not going to end the pain.....you still love him...why not just try to forgive him, and keep the marriage alive?