Dont know if I should stay?

Question

My husband and I have been going for counseling and he said that if I stay he would change but I have not seen any change and no his mother is causing problems in our relationship. I do not anticipate anything getting any better but I have two small children with him and don't want to uproot them and make a mistake. He is a hard worker and does not drink or cheat and is a great father but as far as a loving husband I could have a better conversation with a wall!!!! Also, If I leave I will have no money and be broke all the time.

he also very coltrolling. He asked me last night why do I lock the bathroom door while I am in there. He also scrolls through my cell phone and checks who I have talked to.

Answer 1

This is a tough one. You don't have issues like infidelity, abuse, etc. that would make your decision easier.
Your husband should not allow his mother to get involved in your marriage. Tell him if he wants the marriage to work he must be a man, grow some sack and tell his mother to butt out.
I would continue counseling, making sure that I was contributing as much as I could to the marriage.
Having said that, living in a marriage with no communication is a very difficult way to go. I know because I did it for 20 years.
He may change, he may not. But recognize that if you still love him, there's hope. If you don't love him, you may want to make the move before you waste anymore trying to fix something that may not be fixable. You may have married a guy that doesn't have much to say.
Good luck. You've got a tough decision ahead of you.

Answer 2

Why do you lock the bathroom door?
That my dear is NOT a controlling question.

He works hard, does not cheat, is a good father but you are thinking of leaving.
Lets look at the scorecard.
You do not work, you have no money,you have been to counseling, yet he must change and now his mom is trouble?
What is she telling him, that you are unreasonable?
Let me ask, what have YOU done to improve your lot ? You do not consider him a loving husband BUT are you the loving wife? If not you are getting what you deserve.
Other than children and housekeeping what do you bring to the table? It does not sound like much.
Lady if you want love you have to give a little. Right now you have detailed all the stuff he is not. Have you determined what you are not.
Go a head and leave physically because mentally you are already gone. That may be the reason he is checking your phone. Because he wondering where your love is going as he is not getting it.
Asking him to have a real conversation with you is a stretch.
It sounds like all his discussions with you end up being a litany of his faults and your requests. What's up with that?

If you leave, you will uproot your children, mess up their lives, and be broke,all because you cannot see your way clear to fix your marriage.
That would be a mistake.
The real irony is, that based on this question, I fear a big part of your problem is your own attitude and expectation that he must change. Do you really suppose you will find what you are looking for in another guy given your attitude? You need to wake up to the fact that most guys will not put as much into a relationship with you as your husband has.
You want love, try giving some.

Answer 3

Did your husband specifically say what he was going to change about himself? Generalities definitely don't work when a partner says he'll change. Have him make a list of changes he's willing to make, and it's important that you make a list, too, of how you can help him make these changes. For example, would he prefer talking after dinner after he's had some time to relax? Would he like you to give him a kiss and hug when he comes home? Is one of the problems is that after work he's too keyed up or tired to talk?If I understand correctly, what's missing in your marriage is conversation and loving attention.

You need to weigh the facts that he is a hard worker and is faithful without bad habits. It's even a greater plus that he's a good dad. Money is also an important issue and one that will impact your children and you, making it very difficult for you to be a good mother. Sometimes making a two column list works well with balancing the good with the bad. You can list the positives in one column and the negatives in the second column. You can even weight each listing. Being a good father is far more important than he's punctual! Don't forget your feelings, either. They're important because you're unhappy.

I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know I am not against divorce. My sister had a similar situation. She finally did divorce and she was constantly under a financial strain and it affected her daughters because their mom was irritable and worried all of the time. At the same time, her husband was not a good father, etc.

Answer 4

In this case you need to stay devoted and true to your husband no matter what. If the only problem he has is communication you ened to seek counseling for that so he can learn how to communicate and listen to you. You cannot change him however the only one you can is you and that is if you choose to be the one to change for the better. Love him unconditionally and be patient with him and who knows someday he just may change and come around by watchign you change. Just keep talking to him no matter what and at least he is hearing you even if he does not talk back. I am here if you need someone to talk to as well... Hugs to you today. I also suggest you go to http://www.drphil.com and email him for help in this matter. Good luck to you and i will be praying for you and for the marriage.

Answer 5

If your not getting anything from the counseling maybe you should try another councilor. Generally I say life is to short , move on and be happy, but your situation seems different. If he is a good man in general , but has problems communicating with you then perhaps in addition to joint counseling you both should have individual counseling. HE says he is willing to work on it , don't throw it away until you are completely exhausted of options.

Answer 6

Why would you not stay? The only problem you state is that your husband is not a great conversationalist. So what? You can talk with friends, mother, sisters, co-workers, cousins, whoever, all you want. Don't fall into the trap of believing that a spouse has to supply ALL your needs; it doesn't hurt to expand your social horizons if it's bothering you so much.

Answer 7

HI, DON'T GIVE UP. KEEP GOING TO COUNSELING IT WILL HELP YOU IN SO MANY WAYS. AS FOR THE MOTHERINLAW SHE NEED TO STAY OUT OF YOUR LIFE. YOUR HUSBAND NEED TO TELL TO BACK OFF. YOU SHOULD THING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD TIME YOU BOTH HAD BE FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS STARTED. YOU NEED TO KEEP TELLING YOUR HUSBAND WHEN HE IS DOING SOME THING WRONG.

Answer 8

Some people are better listeners than speakers. If you think he loves you then stay and work it out. Don't stay just so he can support you. That wouldn't be fair to either of you.

Answer 9

hello friend
sometimes people are not v.good at expressing themselves. sometimes, people are brought up to behave like that, sometimes its in their genes.
i can empathise with the way you feel.
try to do some interesting activities which you like, do meditation, reiki etc....find calm and peace within your own self.
dont give up on ur husband. EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is the best solution to any problem.
if he is 'dependable', even if he is boring, i would stick to him!
all the best...

Answer 10

listen, I went through that. I left my husband after 14 long years of abuse, drugs, alcohol, women etc...i left with one bag and my child and started over. Now, if i can do it then you can too :). Life is what we make it and now I am successful in a business I love and am raising my child alone. I am engaged but not living with him yet. I will tell you that he is the one who will lose. file for child support and get a divorce now before the kids see his distancing behavior and act like him in their relationships. good luck.