After 17 years of marriage I feel it is falling apart...help?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 17 years, we were married very young, we have 3 children. Now that our children are getting bigger we have more time to spend with each other and my husband keeps doing things to make me not trust him and whatever I do does not help make things better. He has done alot of things to make me not trust him lying, looking at bad websites on the internet, sneaking, having secrect friendships, gawking at other woman, even he and a colleage joined an aerobics class. He totally dismissing my feelings calling me jealous and crazy but when I did it back to him ( I was at my wits end) He goes totally crazy saying this is not helping our marriage. But, then he continues to mistreat me, he is either rude to me when we are with other people or totally ignores me, if I strike up a conversation with someone of the opposite sex, he goes nuts! Help me please!

He continues to deny anything is going on with him and has no reasonable explanation for his behavior and keeps telling me he only wants to be with me and his children as a family and he loves me more than ever but I still can't understand why he keeps treating me this way, I think it started about a year and 1/2 ago and he is almost 39.

He doesn't really go out with any friends to pubs or anything like that but has maybe 1 or 2 times in the past but he does work kind of far away, travels about an hour and half each way...contracting. There has been maybe 1 or 2 times he has stayed up there in a hotel. I check his cell phone records all the time and don't really find any mysterious phone calls or regular calls I don't know about except private numbers only during work hours and he says it is all work related, no phone call is very long. Do you really think he is cheating on me? He swears he isn't but I am wondering if he did and is feeling guilty now?

I am not looking for something to be wrong, I was only answering to some of the replies. I am telling you how rude he is to me when we are with other people. And yeah he admitted to joining the aerobics class to look and talk about other woman with his friend, you don't see a problem with this? How can I just be looking for a problem? My husband is a muscular guy, not an aerobics class, you wouldn't think it was weird when you are married to someone for so long and then they do something so out of character and then start staring at other woman when we are together and ignoring or being rude to me in the presence of other people.

Answer 1

Ever hear Guilty as Charged? It is alright for him to do what he does and you should be perfectly fine with it. But when the shoe is on the other foot it becomes a different story. I would say he is hiding something or has done something and that is why he is treating like you are nothing to him. I would continue to talk to other ppl and do what you want, and live your life, if he doesn't get the hint... then he never will. I was in a relationship like that once and I got sick of it and left.. the truth came out later. I am glad I left. I know it isn't easy when you are married, but secrets should not be kept. It is ok to talk to the opposite sex, but not to the point where you are ignoring your spouse.

get counseling and try to find ways to distract him and work on your marriage, just remember it takes two and if the internet is a problem shut it off. See what happens from there. I know that is what I would do, Or simply crash the pc. I guess he would get the hint then, that your not messing around and you are serious and it is time to get down to business.

Answer 2

There is a wonderful truth here that neither he nor you see or understand. And it's all about gender VALIDATION. Since he is the one that "left" the relationship, then we can center on him. Understand that people do not have affairs for sex ! They don't. They have affairs because they lack a certain maturity surrounding their own gender identity. Your husband's core nature is to BE the warrior, the defender and the provider in this world to the woman. In some way or fashion, he has lost this identity. Either you quit providing that OR he stopped listening to you for that validation that he internally lacks. How can you, as a woman, validate a man in HIS gender identity? Dah! You can't ! You can only provide your own gender identity to yourself as a woman. Same with him. He has to come to do this for himself. Know that he's never done this in his life or else he would not be searching for it now. He has always had inklings to do this. He's always had the urge for porn and such because this is another path to find that validation. But it's all fantasy (which is why porn and affairs and the like...) which is why it always fails. It's not about sex ! It's about him trying to "find himself" in this world. You provide some of it and this other woman now provides another part of it which is why he "loves" you both. This is NOT love because he really has NOTHING to give! His only capacity as a little boy is to TAKE and TAKE and TAKE everything he is currently missing in his life. This is why affairs never last and 99% fail even if the adulterer's get together later. It's all based on a lie where there is NO love whatsoever and each person only has the capacity to SUCK everything they are missing from the other. Come to know that your husband is very wounded in his life and is missing a BIG piece of his gender identity. You used to provide this for him or else he would've never chosen you to begin with. The very purpose of marriage is for you two vastly wounded, immature and incomplete people to fill up and complete each other to what you both NEED in this life. Want to know a greater truth? This is why God said in marriage that He would make you two into this "one-flesh" condition. (Gen 2:24) In marriage, He would be the one to COMPLETE both of you to be complete and whole and filled up so your love could then overflow one to the other !

Answer 3

Oh dear, this is a very pathetic story. I have not been married before but putting my self in your shoes right now i think you must be going through emotional torture. I will suggest you talk to a marriage counciller who will help both you and your husband to overcome this situation to save your marriage. Don't even start thinking about a divorce because you have children involved. Divorce will probably bring about a broken home and i believe you know what the repercussions will be especially for the children. Think about the emotional stress you will put them through not matter how old they may be. I will also advice you to pray to God almighty and he will restore your marriage and make you happier than you are or were before.

Answer 4

I feel for you; it's a tough place to be. There is a lot of resources out there for you. There is a book that my wife and I have used successfully called, "His needs, her needs" by William Harley. Dr. Harley also has a discussion board on his website www.marriagebuilders.com You can talk to experts on there. Check it out and maybe see a marriage counselor. Go alone if you have to but tell your husband you're going with or without him. It would be preferable if he went with you.

Answer 5

sounds like he likes to mentally mess with your mind and your emotions. Even after 17 years he is acting like a child. Sounds to me that he feels he is getting older and wants and needs attention from others. ( a complex ) he has about himself and he dismisses you for you get attention naturally from others and he doesn't. He might be jealous when you speak to other men although he shouldn't be going nuts. I mean, it is not as if you are sleeping with those men or guys you may speak too. I suggest talking with him about all of this today.

Answer 6

i am telling you right now,

as a guy, i know.

without a doubt, he is cheating on you.

its a common reaction and its what gets most guys caught, the way we get defensive when we have been half caught out. Check his phone messages, listen in to late night phone calls, and make sure that when he's "gone to the pub" or "watching the footy with his mates" that he is actually doing it. If you call at a time when hes doing either of these things, and he gets angry at you or tells you he cant talk at the moment, then he is cheating, and you need to find the base of the problem, or simply leave him

Answer 7

We`re having the same problem. I think its a mid-life crisis starting and my husband was jealous of my time I spent with our kids. I confronted him on his behavior and the tables turned. Now HE`S the one feeling guilty. Things have been pretty cool lately but at least we put all our cards on the table. He stopped flirting and gawking and is now behaving like the husband and father he should. I really think he wanted to get caught! He wanted my attention and BOY did he get it!

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you are looking for something to be wrong. He joins an exercise class and that makes you worried. He stayed out of town for work once and you think thats a sign. He never has long phone calls on his cell, but you think he is cheating. it sounds to me like you both have issues. See a counselor

Answer 9

Your husband has insecurity issues and you need counseling; see one - with or without him - and tell him straight up that if he wants a younger, prettier woman, that he's welcome to go. If anything, it will end the charade and give him a chance to either walk or re-commit to you.

But you must be ready for him to walk, because he might choose to do so. If he does, it's his loss - and I don't just mean 50% of all your property.

Answer 10

since he doesnt want to listen to you when you want to talk to him about it then its time for some tough love.....give him back what he is giving you and maybe he will stop treating you like a doormat.....when he freaks out about it give him the same answers back ....tell him you have no idea what he is talking about and he is just jealous and it is not helping your marriage.