Is he really a momma's boy or just too accomodating??

Question

My fiance seems to bend to his mother's every wish. He's been overseas for nearly seven months, and when he comes home in a few weeks, his mom is planning on picking him up from the airport (even though he and I will have our own place to live by then.) Even though she says his education and study-abroad cost her a ton of money, she spent huge amount to go to see him over the holidays, rather than putting him on a plane to come see everyone who misses him. I felt that this was a selfish act, considering its not just been her who hasn't gotten to see him. Especially since bringing him home would have been a lot less costly. I feel like as his future wife, she should at least spend the first days home with me, not his mother. He says that I am trying to isolate him from his family, but that is simply not the case. It's been a huge personal sacrifice to have him away so long. Is it me or him??

Answer 1

You might want to rethink marrying this guy. He's still hanging onto mama's apron string and he's not about to let go. Neither is mommy going to allow any woman to get between her and her little boy. You're absolutely right about him spending time with you when he gets home, and although he may love his mother dearly, the person he should want to see at the airport is you.

Make no mistake, his mother knows exactly what she's doing. She's pushing you back and he's allowing her to do so. Think again about this guy. And the next time he tells you that crap about trying to isolate him, tell him that his mama is doing a heck of a lot better job of that than you could.

Answer 2

Not to personally attack you, but your question sounds somewhat selfish and petty. You speak of her being selfish because she spent her money to go see him as opposed to her spending her money so that he may come see you. Also you say that by the time he gets home, the 2 of you will have a place of your own, that suggests, that the young man has not yet moved his things out of mom's house, therefore, technically he has not yet moved into what right now is your place. Your husband's mother may very well miss him as much and as genuinely as you do. If you are marrying this man, you need to learn how to love his mom, cherish the fact that he loves and respects her, as his treatment of her could very well indicate how he treats you 20 years down the road. Go enjoy the family time WITH him, and be happy to have it. The future is vast, his homecoming is brief. Go spend time with the family, and afterwards, he will enjoy your alone time all the more. This doesn't sound like a momma's boy thing.....

Answer 3

Yes, they say the parents of sons need to teach the women they love not to allow them to ruin their relationships with other people using marriage etc as an excuse.

Your trying to dictate even the way his mother spends her money on gifts.....

Nothing like a good start to a relationship by playing people against each other. You don't think this family will feel offended by this...then go right ahead. Try to get over the jealousy dear his family exists and can you really say a man is a mommy's boy without admitting you want to take his mother's place? Hint: men that love their parents are far more balanced and have a higher success rate in marriage. A wife trying to wear the pants burns her own marriage down.

Answer 4

Oh my ---- don't try to play tug of war with a future mother in law --- you'll be the one who loses. Look at it from their point of view --- it's their son --- they've had him all his life --- some people view "fiances" as people who "come and go" and not really part of the "family" until they're married to one of the "family" or some not even then. It will be up to your fiance' to make his stand with his mother when he's ready. He doesn't want to cause any hard feelings with his family -- try to be a little more understanding, although I realize it's difficult. See if you can work with your future mother-in-law to set aside some special, alone time for just you two ---there's nothing worse than feeling pulled between two affections -- those for your family, particularly your mother (if you're a son) and your beloved. The more you try to push him to take a stand and say anything remotely negative about his mother, the more likely he is to run to her defense. Good luck

Answer 5

That's a tough situatuion. You are both in love with the same person-in different ways. Since you & mom-in-law probally aren't that bonded, it's hard to be sympathetic for the others feelings of loss while he was away, and utter excitement when he returns. She has always done EVERYTHING for her son. It's hard for her to just stop being a mom all of the sudden. It's natural to think of your kids as kids, not adults. Yes, it was selfish to go there for Christmas. She feels that you are the "competition". You are.
She probally never imagined that when she sent him to study abroad, that he wouldn't be "hers" when he came home.(Crazy, I know.) Mom's struggle with the idea that their children don't need them anymore. It's important to have a healthy understanding of her side of the story. That way, you have a sense of peace and can be more compassionate.
You are madly in love and are just thinking about how glad you will be to see him again. You want to "nest" and start your new life together right away. It's a very exciting time, but it can wait one more day.
Don't make your future husband come home to tension. He says that you "are trying to isolate him from his family". In a sense, you are. It's not out of malice, but out of the sheer joy of being his everything. Pay close attention to what he's saying. It sounds like he has a rich, wonderful life that he wants to SHARE with you. Don't try to be everything. You will quickly feel rejected when he expresses a need for interaction with someone other than yourself. It's so hard to see this big picture when you're in a new relationship.
You will have him for the rest of his life. Maybe you should let his mom pick him up. I assure you that he will be glad to see her and even more eager to get home to you. After you have "reunited", CALMLY explain to him that you were dissappointed that he hadn't made it more clear to his mother that you are both ready to move into an adult relationship. That means that you will be there to do a lot of the things that she thinks are her job.
It's important that he understands that it's his responsibility to convey this to his mom. DO NOT BE THE BAD GUY HERE!
As hard as it is for her to let go, it will be hard for him as well. There is safety in doing what you've always done. I bet that there is a lot that she does for him that he doesn't think twice about (that will really set you off). It's going to take patience and practice for him to make that transition. It's important that you approach this subject with calmness and tact. He's coming home to a whole new lifestyle that scares most men.
Don't be so angry that he comes home to a shrew. I've learned that in my marriage, I get what I want when I'm reasonable and calm. When I'm angry and reactive, my husband becomes the same way. No one likes to be attacked.
Give him a while to establish the new "rules"with his mom. If he fails to meet your expectations, it's perfectly alright to let him know in a gentle but firm way. It's a big adjustment for both of you.
I wish you the best.

Answer 6

I' m sure his mother wanted a vacation from the whining future daughter in law and it was her money to do with as she damn well pleases. The more you emasculate him by thinking and acting and saying he is a momas boy the more he will resent it and you. Instead of love you will have a husband that seems to spend a lot of time at the office. Give them both a break and remember he has had his friends and family a lot longer then he has known you. Only love brings love and hate brings hate.

Answer 7

I would say he is a MOMMAS Boy Indeed! How is it selfish of you to want to spend some alone time with him for a few days to catch up. I think he is being selfish and so is his mother. I think that I would reconsider the proposal of marriage to him. It is obvious to me that he only matters and your feeling do not. If he is planning on spending his life with you, he better grow up and realize that you come first b4 his mother. That is why they call it a man shall leave his mother and father and the two of you shall become one! I wouldn't put up with it and if my fiance was that selfish and didn't spend time with me the first few days he was home, then I would be packing my **** and leaving.

Answer 8

You're wrong. You are obviously a jealous person.
The fact that his mom decided to visit him does not make her a selfish person. She may have wanted a vacation and decided to kill two birds with one stone - vacation and visit her son. Even if she had done it to have her son all to herself, then tha's her problem. She made a little sacrifice by spending some money to go see him. Why didnt you think of if if you wanted to see him that bad? You wanted HER to pay to bring him so that YOU could see him? I bet if she had asked every one who misses him to cooperate with some money to bring him, not too many people would have made the sacrifice. She is HIS mother, and she REALLY loves him, and found a way to see him. Your responsability is finding a way to see him (if you REALLY want to see him that is). Dont be waiting for his mother to buy his ticket to come visit you and everyone else who misses him. Looks to me like you spend too much time observing her every move. That's her business. If you miss your boyfriend so much, do something about it yourself.

Answer 9

Let me talk to you as a mother. She was there long before you, I'm not being rude or snarky but there is a bond between a mother and son you will only understand if you have a son of your own. Your best bet if you don't want to lose him is to let him spend the time with his family, why don't you join them? You will soon be a part of that family won't you? Yes, it sounds like he's a momma's boy, but you already knew that, and it will never change. Here is my honest advice, if you can't handle it then don't stick around.

Answer 10

Honey, run don't walk away from this man. If he does not have the balls to tell his mom, he wants to be with you over her you are in big trouble before the marriage ever starts. I know from experience. I played second fiddle behind my mother in law for over 30 years. She always came first even ahead of the children . He never had the guts to say no to her. She is in control and you will never be. He should have told her he wanted to come home and see the family. She is the one that is isolating him and he is letting her. Blame her but also blame him for not standing up to her. He is afraid of losing the money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She knows it and and so does he. You are going to play third fiddle, she is number one , money is number two and you will pull up a third place for the rest of your life is that what you want.? Hope he gets balls to tell her off or run the other way. You deserve better . You should be number one in his life. Right now you are a distant third.