why is it so difficult to please or understand women?

Question

my wife and I have been married for thirteen years now but it seems to be coming to an end now. I know I get frustrated a lot but there is so much about me that she still does not understand. I try to show her I love her but whenever we seem to be on the positive road, she starts taking me for granted. I try not to tell her cause in the past she has taken it too personal and then that leads to me just getting upset and blowing it out of proportion. I work real hard to try to give her and the kids a good life even though I know that this is taking me quicker to my grave ( I have three herniations in my lower lumbar area and one is so bad it has caused massive deterioration of the bone. Sometimes I can hardly move). Yet I still continue. I took an m.r.i. to show her that I was not faking. Its just so difficult to understand what else I can do to make her understand that I do care about her and the kids.

Answer 1

Well, you asked why it's so hard to please or understand women. First of all, I am going to assume by "women" you mean your wife. Second of all, the answer to the first part of your question is the second part. You can not please her because you don't understand her. You also say she doesn't understand you. To me that is a lack of communication. Short version (and this is only speaking in generalities), in my experience husbands feel they are showing their love by getting up and going to work every day, whether they feel like it or not. They put a roof over their families head, and food on the table and clothes on their back. Wives feel they are showing their love by nurturing the family, taking care of the household, and generally doing whatever needs to be done to keep the home and family running smoothly.. be it the shopping, setting appointments whatever. Over the years both sides start feeling they are getting taken for granted because all that attention they heaped on each other at the beginning.. they just feel like they don't have time for. Then they start snapping at each other... losing their tempers more easily... just start not liking each other anymore. Maybe they still love one another but they just start not even wanting to be around each other anymore. I think what you don't understand (without actually knowing your wife its just a guess) is that she probably feels that she is being taken for granted as well. And it's hard to have someone basically tell you that you are not being a good wife. Of course she will take it personally. You would take it personally too.
I would honestly suggest taking time for just the two of you at least once a week. Do something, anything, that is just the two of you. I am sure your lives are busy but make the time. Something drew the two of you together, you need to get away from the hustle and bustle of running that household and remember what it was. It might be awkward at first but if there is still that spark there, you two will start to unwind during "your" time and then, eventually it will be easier to talk about the things that are bothering you. Right now you are probably both like two sticks of dynamite just waiting for something to spark you off.
Honestly, I have been through it, and I know its hard to get past all the pettiness and grudges and finger pointing, but it can be done. I wish you luck :)

Answer 2

From the way you describe things it seems like you love your wife and children very much.

Alot of times the better we know someone, the bigger the chance we have for miscommunication. As we get closer to people we make more assumptions about what they're saying and what they're feeling. This happens on both sides of course.

If you really want to do everything you can to make your marriage work maybe you two should look into marriage counseling, it can really help couples to communicate in ways they haven't been so far.
Also, whenever you have a fight or argument, even if you know that you're right, try and look at things from her perspective, and see if there's a way you two can come up with compromises. It can be tough to make the first gesture in situations like this, but it's worthwhile if you do.
Try and find out exactly what it is you're doing that is making her think you don't care about her and the kids (you implied that this was the case in your last sentence) once you know the reasons behind what she's thinking, you two can work them out together.

Another important thing is that if you're injuring yourself that grievously, you need to slow down. You stand by your family and sometimes they need to stand by you, that's how family works. Don't kill yourself with work, it's possible to come up with something that works for everyone.

Remember that counseling has helped alot of people, and it's never too late. Good luck.

Answer 3

I may not have been married or been in a relationship for 13 years, but all I know is that you have to communicate with one another to make things work. If you feel she is taking you for granted just tell her. And on your end, try pleasing her in every way possible. Maybe surprise her by taking her out on a date or give her little gifts for no reason at all. Write her a love letter. I don't know. Just really show that you still love her. And with the kids, just start being there for them if you haven't so already. And if you have already been there for them, well, you already showed that you care for them.

But in all honesty, it seems you're a good husband. Your wife seems to need some help.

I know my advice is probably not the best, but that's all I can say, since I'm only 22.

Answer 4

i don't know your situation or dynamic, but u have to always remember that you are the MAN of the household. that means you take care of the family physically (monetarily, etc), and provide. you make sure your wife is happy. you figure out what you need to do to keep your wife Emotionally, Physically and Mentally happy.

(sounds to me like Physically ure not doing so well, and in any case, your wife may be frustrated if she is lacking any or all of the 3 things. ) When you think about it...taking care of Yourself will lead to taking care of your wife, because the healthier u are, the better u can take care of her.

next, HER job is to Appreciate, and Support you. she is the HELPER. you are the PROVIDER. the more she helps you to stay happy Mentally, Emotionally and PHysically, the more u can keep working hard to provide for the family. it is a give and take. it is a Team effort. you work together. you need to be able to Grow together, so that you continuously learn and work on making the relationship Stronger as time goes by.

sounds like 13 years have gone by and you are physically deteriorating.. so who knows what else u have let deteriorate? =T.. if ur wife cannot trust in you to do the Right thing, and to take care of yourself, then she cannot fully be able to support and help you. same goes for her... if she cannot fully help you, you cannot fully do your best to provide.

my advice to you would be to figure out waht you want from this marriage. how do you expect yourself to keep going like this? what is ur plan? how are u going to get better? what kind of help do you need from her? think about it, and then sit her down and talk Calmly about what you need to do in order to fix the problems. ask her for her opinions, and don't get upset. keep an open mind. u can disagree..but don't Argue and let it escalate. tell her u need her HELP. figure out some ways to get your health better, the relationship better, and all the things u are worried about. share with her, and share the burden. she is there to help you..at least she should be.

if in the end she is mean, wrong, hurtful, not understanding, then u may need to consider ur options (separation, divorce, etc). but give her that chance to work with you. you stayed w/ her this long, but u both may have different views of what a Good wife and Good husband are. talk about it, and try to get on the same page. maybe try counseling.

good luck

Answer 5

I'm sorry, but you've been married for THIRTEEN years and you had to take an MRI scan so that your wife would BELIEVE that you weren't well?

What kind of a woman are you married to? There just sounds like she has absolutely NO trust in you whatsoever! I find it incredible that you took the scan to prove it to her! A woman who loves and trusts you would not disbelieve you like that.

It sounds to me like you are being hurt by her. Maybe you should take a little space - some time to get away from it all without her. Maybe that would give you both time to sort out the way you feel.

Answer 6

I don't doubt what you say about how you feel for your wife and children. But, see if you are not showing her in a way she understands and recognizes, your efforts will be futile. I suggest both of your reading together The Five LOve Languages. And for your wife to read alone....The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Answer 7

Your wife jst seems to be blind to me.. If she continues to do this.. she might lose u in the end and Regret!! Oh god... i am a woman.. but ur wife should not be proving that she's heartless.. (Im sorry if i use harsh words).. The only think u can do is .. talk to her wen u ppl are alone.. In the room, balcony..anywhere where u ppl can share ur feelings.. Its no point of 15 years of marriage life if u two don tel each other how u feel ... Maybe she might have something to share with u too.. Talk guy! U please take care!!

Answer 8

13 years is a great time...dun waste it becoz of something that u think it comes to a dead end..remember,every problem has it owns soloution..there is something wrong with your wife dude...go and find it out..i can feel it as i am also a woman..there must be something that she hides from u..13 years will built a great love that will force anyone to do anything..a woman will try to understand a man when she feel she is being respect..not a respect that will make her taking u for granted but another kind of respect which is,she could feel that u are concern about every single feelings that she had...thats different k...one more thing about women,they need a little bit hard command from men..a little bit push juz to keep them awake...try to understand her more..i know,u dun need her understanding,all u need is her aprreciation of everything that u've done..just go on try to work it out,and if it doesnt works and u want to divorce,after u think it twice and its good for both of u especially your CHILDREN,then go for it...but before that,try another way and start with trying to talk to her and ask her what is it that u need to understand her..let her tell u whatever she wanted to..and as u,u have to accept everything..put yourself in her shoes and try to think the way she think so that u would understand her more and go together with the same flow..trust me,if she sees it,your effirt on concerning her feelings,she will do something to pleased u and the syncronization will exist...especially from her..k,all d best..

Answer 9

Sir, it can't be all women, your wife is having issue that she wont admit. You showed her how important she is to you,and yet she don't recognize it. Why don't you think about your self this time, you will not be able to be good to your children if your dead or can't even move. just tell your wife that one way or the other if she can't change or maybe take your word for it, things will change so you can live a bit longer for the sake of your children. I know that you love your wife but you must yourself also,.......hope that all is well............good luck!!

Answer 10

Well it sounds like to me you are doing plenty for your wife and children...Can i ask you why she thought you were faking it? sounds a little strange to me that you had to take an m.r.i just so she would believe you. I don't know your wife I'm sure she is a wonderfull person but to me if she cant see all that you do for her. Then that to me is just being selfish.