How to deal with a difficult Mother-in-law?

Question

I am at my wits end with my mother-in-law! I do not know if it is me, or her. She has always been mean-spirited, I just think after 30 years of putting up with her my patience has run out. She is one of those people you feel you are constantly walking on egg shells around. She will put me down, every chance she gets. I have asked my husband to talk to her, and he says just ignore her, but I can't. It eats at me. I was raised in a very loving household, and have never been exposed to such a hateful person in my life. She is constantly in our business, noisy, she asks totally inappropriate questions(ie: We were out to dinner the other night, and she had the gall to ask me how much I weighed? I told her I wasn't answering that question, it was none of her business). She hasn't worked in 50 years, and I work a 60-hour workweek. She constantly tells me I am not a 'real women', who takes care of my husband. She makes comments if something is not dusted or a dirty dish is in sink. Help!

Answer 1

She is old and isn't going to change. You can either continue to play her game, which she seems to enjoy playing (knowing she makes you miserable is probably the biggest joy in her life), or, you can refuse to play, write her off as a mean old *****, and get on enjoying your life. Remember, you ALLOW people to upset you.

Answer 2

That's a hard question. I know that she is your husbands mother but she is crossing the line of boundaries. Your husband should tell her that she is interfering with his marriage and she needs to respect your privacy. If your husband isn't willing to do this then the problem will probably continue. You might hurt her feelings but it's a chance that you'll have to take. I don't think that anyone has the right to push their way into anyone Else's life family or not. I'm not sure of your living situation but you could not answer the door or the phone when she calls or comes over unless she's invited. Make sure that your husband knows your not trying to exclude his mother, just limit her involvement in your relationship. Marriage is no place for mama.

Answer 3

I feel so bad for you, I've had a mother-in law similar to that for just 5 years... you have no idea how much i have your back.

Not that you don't need to hear advice from a 24 year old, but I honestly think it's something your husband needs to address, it's not right you have to defend yourself, your husband should have your back in this.

Have you tried the whole "kill her with kindness" routine? Ask her out to lunch, talk to her like one of your girlfriends and maybe she'll think it's really odd and maybe even an indirect insult and take a hint and stop.

I hope all works out for you!

Answer 4

Oh it is definitely NOT you.... you've been putting up with it for 30 years I say you have earned the right to vent. You have done an excellent job ignoring her over the years. Next time she says something about dusting, tell her to feel free to come over and clean once a week while you are at work....that ought to shut her up about that one! She's just rude and ignorant.....you could have fun with her and just make up answers; you know like when she asks you how much you weight, tell her 112 pounds, because you know after 30 years of dealing with her, your husband is not going to say anything to her about it. Start taking her out on Saturday afternoon visiting nursing homes...when she asks why, just tell her you are trying to plan ahead for her :) turn it all around and have fun with it, cause she's not gonna change.

Answer 5

sounds like your mother -in law is an especially difficult person to deal with. in my opinion, when dealing with a person like her,the first thing to do is to determine how personally i should take the criticisms. many times the mean-spirited behavior is not a reflection of how the person truely feels about me, as much as how the person feels about themselves. these people are typically miserable, and thereby crotchety.they usually have other people that they target as well. daughters-in -law ,however, are unduely served up with a heaping helping of their vile bitterness. you must be a pretty well rounded, together person. i say this because, she is obviously threatened and jealous. my way of handling people like her is with humor and confidence. i make no apologies for my life, and owe noone an explaination for why i have dust on my furnature. i am happy, though not perfect. and i dont sweat the small stuff. if someone commented on my house not being clean, i would mention that i guess the house-cleaning fairy didnt show up while i was at work today,during my 10 hour shift. etc.. seriously, dont worry about her. im not saying that u have to suffer in silence, but dont stress it. blow her off with wit ,and in such a way that shows you are together and as much of a woman as u can possibly stand. oh- and the reason that u dont take care of your husband any more than u do, is because she raised him to be such an intelligent, capable man. best wishes

Answer 6

Hopefully she isn't really mean spirited...maybe she just doesn't have that "natural filter" in her brain, that helps her sensor her thoughts before she speaks them. Then again maybe she does intend to be mean and hurtful. I would ask myself these questions: Has she progressively gotten worse over time? Is her hatefulness aimed only at you or does she behave this way towards others as well? Is she worse around certain people? If she does seem to be targeting you, I would ignore my husbands wishes and have a "heart to heart" with her. I would tell her exactly the way she is making you feel...if necessary I would come to your meeting armed with a list of things she has done to you. I would also explain to her that times have changed since her day and that you work alot of hours at your job outside of the home. As far as asking about your weight, reverse it on her & ask her how would she feel if someone were to ask her a question that personal. I hope this information is helpful to you and I certainly do wish you good luck. I hope you two can resolve your issues and realize that you have a special relationship. Also remind her that her son chose YOU to spend the rest of his life with and that she should value his opinion in women seeing as how she raised him. Also, she could have a medical condition (or certain medication she is taking) that is causing her mean streak.

Answer 7

She has many issues, apparently.
She seems to judge her daughter-in-law's worth on how many dishes are in the sink or how dusty things are, instead of on your ability to keep her son happy. If you and your husband are satisfied, then do not let her get to you. Just bask in the knowledge that she is focusing on the trivial.
She is obviously more interested in pestering you than in showing loving support to her son. A mother's JOB is to find a way to love and support the partner chosen by her adult child. Anything less than that is undermining her own child. So who's the great woman now?
Every time she tries to get to you, remind yourself: this is a mean pathetic woman who has nothing better to do in life than to cause trouble, and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. Respond to her as if she were the nicest lady in the world. Kill her with kindness. Turn every mean thing around on her as if she meant it in a sweet way but is confused and said it wrong. That'll drive her nuts and might even make her stop! Good luck.

Answer 8

Hate to tellyou this, but if your husband won't speak to hismom, you are pretty much going to have to develope a tough shell against her remarks and actions.

Sounds as if she is jealous of you in some ways. Maybe not working for 50 years left her feeling unnecessary. If hubby is happy with the way your life is going, I'd just brush off what she says. She doesn't matter, your husband does. Just tell her that hubby doesn't seem to mind whatever fault she finds.

If you really want to push it, after her next complaint tell her that maybe she should encourage hubby to find a new wife. I actually used this one. My MIP was flabbergasted that I would consider letting her precious son go......lol. It shut her up for a little while at least.

Once when she said that she always loved cooking for her 'boys' I asked her if she realized that I had cooked for hubby longer than she had. That worked too!

My mom told me something that as I get older is very true! A mother never thinks her son married someone good enough for him. You will never measure up in her eyes because you took her place in his life by taking over the cooking and loving care.

I've been married 30 years.... I let hubby deal with his mom now. I have my own to deal with. His mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Things are probably going to get real interesting when dealing with her. She ignores me when she visits and hangs all over hubby.......LOL>....I LOVE it! He has no patience with her and looks to me to 'entertain.' (which she doesn't want) Oh, well. She's not my momma.

Bottom line, if hubby won't set her straight, you are going to have to settle for subtle comments that won't make her really mad...just shut her up for a while.

Answer 9

For 15 years I've lived with a husband who used to deal with all of my problems with his mother by saying "just ignore her". You can't count on a man to stand up to his mother for you. They just wimp out. My saving grace was reading in a magazine years ago the quote "steer clear of those who bring you down". Just reading that gave me permission to not feel guilty about avoiding being around her. I learned to take care of myself emotionally, or I would go off the deep end. I have great friends and a supportive family. You need to saturate your life with people who bring you up. Her company does you no good. Tell your husband to spend all the time he wants with her, as a good son should, but leave you out of their get togethers. Best of luck. This problem is hard on a marriage, I know that for sure.

Answer 10

does she lives with you! does she own the house you live in?
if not, follow your husband's advice, ignore her. stop walking on egg shell, show her that her you can't be bullied! her attitude has to change, it has been thirty years! stop comparing your self to her, you are unique and very blessed, i don't know your religion, but i am a catholic, and for me, this situation with your mother in law might be a test to you. share your blessing, that whatever she trows at you, treat her with kindness and love. extend your patience. have you asked your husband about her? (her life as a child, as a wife, etc.) or have you tried talking to her? ask her what her problem is? tell her that you can't be typed as a stereotype woman for you are a woman of the 21st century! you take care of your family as you know how, not the way she knows.
good luck

Answer 11

Well lets look at your options.You could punch her out I suppose but thatd probably get you thrown in jail and cause a lot of family problems.She is the lady who raised your son, so she cant be all bad.Lets look at what you dont have control of.Her.You cant change her or fix her.Youre husband knows he cant.So youre just going to have to accept her as is.It doesnt mean you cannot voice your opinion to her about her behavior.Just start out by saying "I dont know if you realize this or not, but sometimes you irritate me when you (fill in the blank)".If you accpet her for what she is and quit fighting it, then its easier to ignore her.