Its called, "Just like That"
How could he leave,
me all by myself,
to sit and greave,
I feel like I've been robbed,
but he doesn't even care,
and he never even sobbed,
feels like I am obscure,
for he never bothers to look at me,
I don't think I can endure,
this any longer,
how can he treat me this way,
just because he is stronger,
I am a normal person,
just like him,
how can he worsen,
my whole entire life,
just by leaving me in the dust,
it feels like a knife,
has been jabbed into my heart,
and all the way through,
he tore me apart,
just like that.
what do u think of it???will u rate it from one to ten plz??? thank you
2007-03-19 14:36:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
i love it!! do u have any more?! <3
2007-03-19 14:44:24 · answer #1 · answered by BrOwN eYe GiRl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
About a four. First of all watch your spelling. The word is grieve. Secondly it has no flow and rhythmn. Read it aloud to yourself and you will see what I mean. It's choppy and uneven. It reads more like prose that has been chopped up into broken phrases to look like poetry. Read it aloud and I think you will want to make some word changes. Remember that words have syllables and in a poem those syllables are beats in the rhythmn. For that reason - keep a thesaurus open in a window when you are writing poetry. Sometimes the word you want doesnt fit in the poem because of the number of syllables and you can find a similar word in a thesaurus that fits better. I give you credit for pouring your heart out in what is obviously a very heartfelt verse here - sounds like somebody did you wrong big time. Poetry seems to be a rite of passage for teenagers. They write tons of it while they work out what seem like mountainous issues. It's great therapy for teenagers. You have the emotion part down - now work on fine tuning the technical aspects of poetry. Learn the craft. Learn about meter and pentameter and flow and rhythmn. If you want to see free verse at its absolute finest - go read The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock by TS Eliot - the father of free verse and modernism in poetry. See how it was meant to be done. I adore reading that poem out loud . It is beauty and grace. Pax - C.
2007-03-20 04:20:41 · answer #2 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The jabbed in the heart line is really cliche and the rhyme is too forced. And it's really repetitive. It's like you get across that this guy really hurt you and then repeat that over and over again. How about including how, or why, or something else. It sounds like a lot of poems I've heard people write in my lit classes. 1-10 I'd give it a 5.
2007-03-19 23:25:34 · answer #3 · answered by erin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well not to be mean or anything but i didnt like it in a way it started ok but then after that it gets boring i think u need to add a lil hype and more vocab words to it itll make it a lot betta my rating ummmm 5 /10 but gd luck ur on the right track but ur on the wrong pace u get me??
2007-03-19 21:43:52 · answer #4 · answered by idkjustanothergurl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i am not gonna rate it cause it is like anyother poem out there it is all about someones partner leaving them so they are gonna cry yeah dark poems are great but write about sex or death not about a lost love he left ya get over it(not u specifically but the person in the poem and if it is u well then get over it)
2007-03-19 22:33:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A 10/10 from me because it is fantastic!!!
2007-03-19 21:44:58 · answer #6 · answered by Ana Singer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i will rate it 20/20 perfect if thats ok!
2007-03-19 21:39:49 · answer #7 · answered by Rayne. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
6
Its ok.
You didn't use alot of vocabulary.
Good on staying on the main topic!
2007-03-19 21:46:13 · answer #8 · answered by Dude 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i thought was very good. keep it up!!!!!!!!!
2007-03-19 21:47:16 · answer #9 · answered by deadrising9090 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋