why does my granddaughter act like this...?

Question

hello if any of you have answered my questions well they werent mine they were my granddaughters im signed on her account because she is grounded from the comp.
ok i have wondered why she has these anger issues..she is only 13 going on 14 and she is mean cusses and also makes my family cry...she told me that the only reason why me and her grandfather took her in is because noone else would and we were just being nice to her and letting her live with us because her parents dont want her and her brother...but thats not true i do love her and so does her grandfather but she wants to "be a kid" and hang out with friends before she doesnt get to see them anymore but i her aditude is just disrespectfull...she is rude and mean and if she doesnt get what she wants she has a melt down and breaks things in the house while listening to this hideous metal music i know she used to cut herslef cause she wanted to die cause no one loves her but its not true i love her..should i take her to a dr.?

i mean everything she does has to do w/ screaming...if she doesnt get what she wants she abuses herself..and she offends our family and makes us cry and apolizes when we threaten to kick her out..but i care soo much that i wouldnt actually kick her out....but i mean she is causing her families life and we are going into dbt because of her needs and wants but we have to spend that money cause if she doesnt get what she wants she fights w/ us and her dad...should i take her to a dr.?

it has nothing to do w/ being spoiled..i tlked to her cousins dr. and he said that she wants attention because when he tlked to her she said she isnt a good student..and that she gets bad grades and her brother is treated better and she gets in trouble cause shes the oldest..but she does these things because she feels that she isnt loved especially since shes a spitting image of her mom...she looks most lik her and acts just lik her and her cousins dr. thinks that the rason she acts this way is because her mom left her,her dad and brother..and didnt come and vist her for 10 years of her life.. and she doesnt get to see her mom most ly cause shes in jail is the dr. right does she really need more attention?... she also is really hyper too and she tlks ways too much and fights w/ her teachers at school...what can i do..?

Answer 1

It sounds like to me your granddaughter has major issues that just didn't start overnight. No way will they clear up overnight either. You definitely need to get her some counseling help. Also, turn a deaf ear to her screaming--if she gets your attention by doing it, why should she stop. If she breaks things, take away her music as a punishment. You need to get a handle on this as soon as possible, because it is not going to get any easier as she grows older if left unattended. What is her brother like?

Answer 2

Wow! I rember doing the same exact thing as a kid. You need to give her someway to vent. Find her something that
SHE finds interesting, Taking her to a doctor might help her but she is going to rebel. She isn't going to like it, and it may cause her more problems. I think that you need to give her adult peers who understand what SHE is going through and not what the think is the best solution for her.

Love her. show her that you love her. find something that you guys can do TOGETHER. Even if it something that you don't personally enjoy, you mave have to give in a little.

Here let me give some ideas. You know all thouse old pictures that you have of her and the family just laying around the house get a scrapbook and put them in there. Also have pictures took with her "new" family and let her know that even though she is not with her parents anymore dosen't mean that you stop loving here.

Encourage the thought that becuse she lives with you now that you can give her more love and time and attention she really needs it.

Make her parents get in on loving her too. I mean if the do love her they will take time to spend with her. If not document it and try to take he completly way from them.

Stop yelling at her. Praise what she dose well and let her know that the negitive behavior isn't going to work in that house anymore.

Don't yell at her to tell her to stop yelling. What would be the point. You are showing her that the same behavior that she is being corrected for. Is truely ok becuse you do it.

Tell her that you love her a million times a day. Right it notes, give her a card. make soemthing special just for her.

Let her in on household descions. Hey hon what do you want for dinner. If she wants pizza and katchup it's not going to kill anyone. Let her pick out things for the house. THings that really dosen't matter. " Hey what kind of shampoo should we buy" " what do you want to drink " Simple easy things.

Invite her in to help. She dosent' have to but if she has the opeprtunity maybe she will. What a great bonding experince. Make chocolate chip cookies or a cake soemthing that is fun.

you can email me and we could talk one on one. Maybe i can help both of you. I mean i went throught so i have a little experince.

P.S. Don't forget to take care of you self too

Answer 3

Sounds like cries for help. She needs professional counseling. She has no real way of coping with all she has been through. Having parents that don't want you is a big issue here. Her anger and behavior warrant some intensive therapy so she can learn that she is valuable and loved. Self abuse is because she can control that. Everything else in her life is out of control in her eyes.
Please get her some help. You cannot do this yourself. Loving her is not enough.

Answer 4

She's hurting. I don't know the background of your story but if she had to leave her mom and dad, even if it was for a good reason, she feels like they don't love her. She's telling you straight out that she feels abandoned, like no one loves her and that she's all alone. She's probably terrified that you are going to kick her out too, that you will leave just like her parents, and is lashing out because subconsciously it's better for her to make you kick her out than for you to just do it and her to feel abandoned again. In her mind, if her parents "didn't want to keep her" why would her grandparents?

Despite how she feels, you obviously love her but she's got some deep scars and the only way you can prove to her that you do is over time, in all the ways you show a person you love them. Another poster has a lot of good ways you can do this.

You need to get her some counseling. She's got some serious emotional trauma and cutting is not something to take lightly -- she needs to talk to someone, a professional someone. It would probably be a good idea for the whole family to go to therapy sessions together too.

You sound like you're trying to set some boundaries for her too, she's just not following them yet. Good! Teenagers, especially ones going through rough patches, need boundaries. She'll probably continue to test them, over and over, but stick to your guns. In some strange way this actually shows her that you care about her. Now, I'm not talking about, "if you do such-and-such we're going to kick you out." That will just play into her fears. I mean, if you miss curfew you can't use the phone or computer for a week, or if you don't play your music soft enough that we can't hear it outside your room we're going to take your CD player away, or if you raise your voice at me you're going to be grounded for a month, etc.

Just keep showing her that you love her, that you're not going to leave her and that you care enough about her to get her the help she needs. In time, things should get better.

As a previous poster said, be sure to take time for yourself too! I'll be thinking of you.

Answer 5

I dont agree that this is just hormones or just normal. Your grand daughter is angry because the adults in her life have stolen her childhood. Kids need structure and limits to feel safe. The most important people in her life bailed. Then she gets compared to her mom who isn't doing so great. Of course she is angry. She has no role models, no security and no limits. What she needs is the structure of a home that has reasonable limits and routine. She needs some adult to step forward and make sense of the crap her parents created so that she doesn't feel like she is also a result of their bad decisions and reprehensible behavior. If any of you is disrespecting the adults, you disrespect the child. That being said, kids are not dumb. She needs to know what was GOOD about her parents that you see in her. If it was the drugs that changed all that, she needs an open honest discussion about that too. Al-anon can help. So can any drug-rehab counselor. They can help her see the disease of addiction and know that she is not also a disease...which is how a lot of these kids feel. Like all their parents ever produce is problems and they must be one of the biggest ones because their parents don't love them enough to get sober and show up. In the meantime, talking about sending her a doctor just adds to the stress and the fact that she feels different from her peers. They are not all discussing parents who behave this badly, they are talking about dinners, concerts, movies and arguments with their moms---the kind of arguments she can only dream about having. So she may vent at you. The greatest gift you can give her is he gift of coping and the gift of hope. Personally, I dont think you can do it alone. I would get involved in a church in your area (the bigger the youth group the better---its about her not you). She might get involved, she might not but she would know there are other people she can turn to. Its time for a frank discussion with her and give h er some responsibility and the freedom to be a child. The hormone thing does cause girls to feel all grown up one minute and like they want to play with barbies the next..... help her learn to nurture herself and learn when she needs that "comfort" time to just be a little girl. But also recognize she has grown up way to quickly and you can't treat her like she's only 13...she's not. She's seen and lived through things many adults have never experienced. So give her some job opportunities around the house, ways to earn money. Talk about things she might want to to because you know that she is so very grown up. Aso have a frank conversation about how badly her parents screwed up and how much she is not a mini-version of them.....she does carry certain traits they have and she has to be aware of the addictions because she could get caught in the same trap.....but she could also be a great success and go on to learn/do great things. find out hw things are going on at school. believe what she tells you. there are power trips and stresses at school you can't even imagine. did her parents make the paper? do other kids ostrosize her or treat her differently? are you involved at school? is she in extra-curriculars? she needs someone to celebrate her for who she is just like most 4 years need....and someone to understand that she has adult thoughts and feelings that she can't control....because of what has been done to her. But she can get through this. Al-ateen can help. A strong church can help. The cutting has to stop. Girls this age are cutting. It has become a status thing...but for the girls with emotional stresses it is also a way of numbing off so they dont have to face the pain of their daily life. You can love her to death. But what she needs is parents. If you can't handle her, set limits and be a good parent (I am not saying you are not, I know it is exhausting) then call in reinforcements...again, a church family can help but so will catholic charities or friends and family. Say a prayer and start including one or two strong female role models in her life, women who are younger and can help relate. You might even find a tutor in the local high school to help in her toughest subjects and just let that relationship take its own...dont push the Help Suzy with the drug problem thing...she needs to be part of some things that are clean and clear from all the strings that have been put on this child since birth....she has no space to breath much less live. Of course she is angry. She doesn't have the skills to navigate this. Oh, and alanon can really help you too (or better adult child of an acoholic meetings where they talk about family relationships and how to set good boundares and give support). I will pray for you.

Answer 6

I think it is a phase they go through. My daughter is the same way, she's 12. Her stepsister 12, is the same way also. I am hoping it will pass. It has something to do with their hormones at this age. Good Luck and hang in there!

Answer 7

OK I'm 13 turning 14 in October 11 and i live with my grandma it seems that you need to take her to a Doctor and counselor maybe therapist. i went to a counselor and therapist and i still am.but i never abused myself. i used to be real mean but now i changed a lot. maybe you can get her into a program where they can help her to be more nice and not abuse herself. just try not to argue with her. maybe if you watch SuperNanny or nanny 911 you could learn how to deal with her. i hope this helps. good luck

Answer 8

Yes you should take her to see someone,she obviously has issues in her life that she isn't handling well.Keep telling her you love her but will not accept her behavior.
I watched an episode of shalom in the home,that man worked wonders with that family.
Please get some help for her and your family before you all go insane.
god speed

Answer 9

most girls are like this
they make act that way when they dont get things done their way
(trust me, im 13)
the cutting herself thing, many people would consider her emo (emotional)
if you are really concerned about her, then take her to a doctor, and have a proffesional talk some sense into her.

Answer 10

You need to get help. Talk to her school counselors and have your family doc give you a referral to a child psychologist.