How do I not let this get to me?

Question

My son & I are moving 4 hrs. away to live w/my parents this Sat.(husband's idea to save up $ for awhile, etc.-long story). I recently found good reason to believe he is or recently was seeing someone & confronted him(long story-it's listed in some of my other posts). He hasn't been staying w/us but we saw him last nite for awhile & were civil to each other. I told him that if he wants or needs to talk to call. Today I sent him a text telling him I want to know where we stand in our marriage & he said he didn't think that was for him to say & for me to tell him. I said I want to know what he thinks & feels. I told him that when he won't tell me then I feel I can only draw my own conclusion. He said for me not to & to let him tell me when he's ready. He said "did you not say last night I can talk when I'm ready?" This is going to drive me bonkers! I don't know how long it's going to take for him to open up. I don't want to be a nag but I want to know what he thinks & feels!

It may seem weird to text message something like that but texting seems to be the best way for us to communicate right now b/c of the situation.

Answer 1

Your the one who is moving in with your parents, it was his idea, makes me wonder why he would want his wife and son to move 4 hours away for money reasons. I'm never one to tell someone they should think about leaving a husband or wife, but after reading your other ones and this one he is playing games with your heart. Next time you talk he will have another excuse to not live together. If this doesn't sound right to you to live apart from each other then Hon, it isn't. No wonder your father is so upset.I would be also knowing some jerk was doing my daughter this way and no only her but his son. What a winner he is. Believe me when the other women get tired of his bull, he will come running back to you. Hopefully by that time you will be strong enough to send him packing.

Answer 2

Hmm, there are more questions in your post than anything . :(

If you arent working then moving in with your parents is probably a good idea as long as they are not too pushy about the situation, at least for a few weeks. You should offer to pay for food at your parents, or offer to cook some of the meals .

I dont understand how you save much money since your husband has to live somewhere.

I would give him a few weeks to sort himself out. It will be a bad sign if he doesnt come to see you on weekends .

Is your son of an age where he would stay with his grandparents for a couple of weeks ?

Eventually you may have to push him to tell you whats going on . That should be in person. If you have to, after asking him whats going on , if he wont tell you , then you tell him what you suspect and let him confirm or deny it. Let him know he is your husband and you expect to stay with him until things are sorted out one way or another.

It may be something like he lost his job and doesnt know how to tell you , or he may be very sick , dont assume he is having an affair. Although if he is not staying with you just where is he staying. ?

There is definately something odd going on .

Good luck ..

Answer 3

Well, sometimes men just take longer to open up and talk about what they're feeling and they definitely do not seem to realise that this can drive a woman nuts! I guess all you should do at this point is consider your marriage over (since he doesn't even live with you anymore and probably is cheating on you) and just try and see it from that angle. If he does try to talk to you or offer an explanation, then you have something but if he doesn't, at least you can mentally prepare yourself and save yourself the agony of constantly worrying about it. Good luck.

Answer 4

You need to show him that you can be in control. Don't let him call all of the shots. Too many women gradually allow themselves to take up residence in the passenger seat of a relationship and this looks like what's happened here (hubby's idea to save up). Ask yourself what happened to the independent woman that you probably were when you first met him and allow yourself to find her again. Don't just sit around waiting, make him sit up and take notice. He's not a little boy anymore, he's a man in a marriage with a child. These are responsibilities he cannot and should not take lightly. You tell him how you see things going, give a specific period of time (not a year!!) to open up to you, if that time passes go see your lawyer. If you allow him to play games with you now he'll act like the child he's being and repeat his behaviour. I don't mean to sound harsh but sounds to me like he wants his cake and much, much more.

Answer 5

Bless your heart. We always thought that the mind games would end once we got married. I personally think that your husband needs to grow up. Its time to tell you one way or the other if he wants to be married or not. If he has been unfaithful now is the time for him to admit it so you have the opportunity to decide if you even want to be in this marriage anymore. My advise is to tell him that he is either ready now or never! If he can't then take your own conclusions and run with them. We are given our intuition for a reason. Its not going to be easy but you already have your foot out the door. I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Take it from someone who has gone through all this very recently: It's going to get to you no matter what you do.

The best you can do is find a good friend you can lean on and try to make it through the best you can. Remember you have a child to look out for too. You have to be strong for that child more than for yourself. Break down in a different room or after he goes to sleep, but not in front of them.

I could give you volumes of advice but they only give you so much room here. Be strong for your child and eventually things will work out the best way that they can.

Answer 7

He is not being straight with you - there's something he is hiding. One thing I have learned about men that I wish I knew when I was younger is that they generally hop straight from one relationship to the next. Women usually separate and are on their own for a bit. Men like to hedge their bets. Men also move on quicker which is how they can seem so heartless at times.

Consider yourself separated. I know that you have a child, but you need to strengthen your position and put it out there that you don't need him. Be strong. You can cry to your friends, but be cold and distant with him and make it appear as if you are moving on. That way you take back some of your power in the situation. It may not work out in the end (especially if he is a cheating rat - you may not want him back in the end) but you need to level the playing field.

Work on your own life too. You may need to brush up on your job skills - also a good way to meet people and widen your social circle. Be who you want to be rather than what you have been forced to be...a wife, a mother. You are you first.

Answer 8

You cannot keep living your life this way. He is taking advantage of you and putting you off. You are going to have to take the bull by the horns and handle this on your own. No one deserves to live like that. A marriage is not supposed to held in the air and not for any one person to decide what is to be done about any situation. A common ground is going to have to be met and you are going to have to push the issue.

Answer 9

Cut off all communication w/him on your end. If you leave him be, he'll realize what he's missing when you aren't there. Make him uncomfortable, he needs that discomfort. Women want to know right away, and men just need to be in their caves for a while and think, it's not you, they just need time. He needs to know the feeling of what it's like without you. He'll realize he's making a mistake. When he calls, be friendly, but kind of act like you are busy...Don't play too big of a game, but you need to make him think...

Answer 10

I think I remember a previous post about suspecting him of cheating with a co worker.
Actually hun, from what ur telling us, I believe ur hunch was right. He just wants u gone before he tells u the whole truth.
What right does he have to keep you on hold anyway?
U have every right to nag....this is your life too.
He owes u an explanation and I think face to face would be the right way to go.
I wish u luck. But, its time for him to come clean.
Stay strong girl, its not gonna be pretty I'm afraid.