Children raised by gay couples?

Question

My sister recently broke the news that she is in a relationship with a female, after breaking up with her long time boyfriend.
Everyone took to the news well, as did I, but now she has decided she wants a baby with her new female partner.
I don't know how I feel about this, and I think she will be very annoyed that Im not supporting her decision, I just don't like the idea of my niece/nephew being raised by lesbians. Plus the relationship is very new, I think she should wait a while, as I was hoping this relationship was just a phase.
How do I tell her I don't like the idea in a roundabout way?

Answer 1

Perhaps your shouldn't tell her your opinion in a round-a-bout way... I think if one is going to say something they should be straight forward. I do think, however, that you really need to give your thought process some time to adapt to your sister's way of life.

I think that if the relationship between your sister and her partner is new, then I agree that they should wait awhile before considering having a child together. I would say the same thing to any couple. A good solid relationship should be the first foundation built when thinking about raising a family... so I think that your feelings in this department are coming from the right place.

I think it's slightly selfish on your part to want her to consider your opinion to the degree that you would rather her fit into your norm than live a life that makes her happy, however. I'm not saying this to be mean... so I hope you'll read further. Your sister might be at a place in her life where relationships with women is something that she is 'trying'... or indeed she could be gay and this is her new life. You hoping that it's a phase won't change the fact, either way, and it will only add stress to your relationship with her.

So many people spend so much of their time focused on gay people and how they 'work'. I think it's unfair that when someone comes out as gay people automatically think it's just something they're 'going through'. When you first started dating men your sister most likely didn't come to you and say 'have fun for now, but I'm sure you'll get over this part of your life', and you should have respect enough for her to do the same. I always find it amusing that people harass gay and lesbians about their lifestyle... but what would they do if the gay's and lesbians started harassing them about theirs.

You have an image of your sister and what you imagine her to be that you've been developing since you were brought into each other's lives, and now that image has had a brush stroke added that you aren't used to. Nothing your sister is doing is causing you to do or feel anything... it is your own clinging to the concept of what you thought your sister was. We all do it... but it's not fair because we are all creatures who are constantly changing and evolving.

Before you give your sister any advice, before you tell her you don't like the idea of her having a baby with this woman, consider these four things:

1) Are you giving her advice in her best interest or yours? (You wanting her to be straight is not in her best interest, no matter how much some people think that being straight is the greater of the two lifestyles)

2) What makes you so 'all-knowing' that you have any right to dictate how she should or shouldn't lead her life?

3) Can you have your opinion without telling her... without throwing it in her face all the time? Can you know in your heart that it's not what you would have wanted... but that she's happy so you'll keep quiet and let her live how she wants to live?

4) How would you feel if, now that she's come out as gay, she started telling you that your relationships were invalid because they didn't fit in with her 'norm'? How would you feel if she told you that you shouldn't have a baby with 'so-and-so' because you don't love in the same way that she does?

If this has all sounded heated, I hope you will know it's not. I just really think you have to examine where you are coming from... and if it's a place of loving and openness that wants to communicate... or if it's a place of closed mindedness and grasping that will only end up hurting feelings in the end.

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Well like it or not, it's your sister's decision and not yours. You should talk to her about how new the relationship is, I think you're right about that no matter who the couple is they shouldn't rush into anything too serious. But, as for her wanting to have a child with this woman what's the problem? She wants a baby, a baby that I'm sure she will love and nurture, and so will her partner. Children don't get messed up from having parents of the same sex ... what usually does harm to these children are other people. People who are closed minded and feel the need to pick on or torment these children for not having the same exact home life as most people. But how many people have a perfect home life, I lived with just my Mom my whole life, I never had a father figure, so how is it really any different ... at least the child will have two loving parents not just one.

Answer 3

I'd suspect that her relationship probably isn't at new as you assume.
But, as far as her raising a child with her female partner, I think you need to ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

Let me say this, my son, now a legal adult, has been raised predominantly by my partner and myself. He's a great guy with many friends, he's musically talented, hard working, a good student, compassionate, honest, a loyal friend...and yeah...he's straight.
His being raised by my partner and myself had NO effect on his sexuality whatsoever.

Studies show that children raised in same-sex parented families are no more likely to "become" gay/lesbian than are children raised in opposite gender parented families. Usually the children are better adjusted, more compassionate towards those who are different, tend not to judge others based on superficial ideals and have not actually been found to be victims of bullying or harassment as would be assumed.

If you still don't "like the idea" you don't tell her. It's that simple. It's her life, her child, her relationship and HER family. NOT YOURS!
If you don't like it, suck it up and deal with your own issues. Obviously you have some deep seeded ones for you to be so negative.

Answer 4

Just tell her how you feel. That doesn't mean she's going to change her mind about anything, but at least it will be out front that you don't like the idea and she may be considerate enough to stop mentioning it to you. If she goes through with it and your niece grows up, there is no reason to think your niece will turn out gay. After all, kids at a certain age think their parents are full of it anyway. Tell your sister how you feel and then let it go. I wouldn't be roundabout about it. Tell her you don't like the idea of lesbians raising a child. I mean, after all, it is unreasonable for your sister to expect you to be overcome with joy at the idea. Besides, it will probably never happen. "New" female partners don't become "old" female partners all too often. Maybe you should just bide your time and wait and see for a bit.

Answer 5

To be honest with you it is not your place to be commenting. Ask yourself the simple question would you be so willing to give your opinion if her relationship was with a man? The main point is if your feelings purely stem from your 'unease' around same sex relationships and caring for/raising children then you need to step back. By all means voice your opinion if you have that sort of relationship with your sister, but I don't think you would be on here asking this question if you were so sure. The best thing you can do is let your sister know you love and support her decisions. If that is so hard then you need to detach yourself from the situation.

Answer 6

I agree that they should wait until the relationship is a bit further along, but as for who is actually raising the child; I don't see the issue. All too often children are born to straight people and are abused, neglected, it's awful! Children of gay parents seem to do much better, because they are wanted soooo badly! Isn't that the whole idea? To have the children be happy?

Answer 7

Do you expect to live your life by your sisters' standards? How fair is it to expect her to live her life to your standards?

While you may decide to mention the newness of the relationship towards the commitment of raising children, don't preach to her about it or you may lose your relationship with her.

As a (straight) child raised by lesbians, I find it a bit ridicules that so many people think a gay couple can't raise kids. My five siblings and I are all straight. We have not been molested or raised with "homosexual harassment" rather, we were raised with love, honesty, integrity and a belief that we can do and become anything we wanted to work to become. Our home was healthy and happy, knowing acceptance rather than hate and bigotry.

We were raised around both male and female gay couples, singles, straights, blacks, whites and browns. One of my favorite people grew up to open a gay church. He is an ordained minister, with a child from a previous marriage. He raised his son with more love and tenderness than I knew from my own father. (He performed my wedding ceremony - gays don't seem to mind the straights getting married!)

You may want to reconsider your position before you condemn your sibling to a childless life.

Answer 8

I think she should wait a while too, but it's not because she's a lesbian. I think she is an adult and needs to go about this in an adult way. She and her lover need to be a couple for at LEAST 3 years. Babies are tough.

Explain to her that you excited for a nephew or neice but would like to see your sister get out of the honeymoon stage with her girlfriend first.

Answer 9

All the children I know who were raised by gay or lesbian couples are the best people I have ever met. You would be far better served if you supported her decision to go ahead with this beautiful thing.

Answer 10

I think you should be straightforward. I do understand where you are coming from referencing the relationship being new, however, keep in mind that a lesbian or gay couple can give just as much love to a child as anyone else. And usually since a gay couple is planning their child statistically more often than an unplanned straight couple, then they are ready emotionally, financially etc..