How can I deal with being married to a musician?

Question

I am married to a man I love more than anything. We were childhood friends and married almost 1 year ago. He is a sweet guy, but his #1 passion in life is his band. It is getting so bad that he refuses to even get a full time job to help me pay the bills because it would interfere with his band. He has even asked me to change our flights for our HONEYMOON because of his band. I stupidly bend to accomodate him all the time, but I do this because I love him so much. I do feel, however, that he takes me for granted and doesn't ever make me a priority. I am very depressed and I have tried talking to him. Nothing ever changes. I knew going in that his band was important to him, I just never imagined that it would take priority over me. I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is at a standstill, however pathetic that may sound, because I bear 99% of the financial responsibility. I know its my own fault... How much are you supposed to take from someone you love?

Answer 1

You have chosen to be "an enabler". Until you are willing to stop enabling him, things will not change. If you cannot work as a team, the marriage is doomed. All the love in the world cannot change that fact.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless

Answer 2

Does he love you as much as you love him? Thats the main question here.

Answer that and then it will become a little more clear.

Now, if he loves his band, you probably can't take that away from him, but as your husband he will have to make some sacrifices to make the relationship work. Tell him that he needs to start cutting one band gig or rehearsal or something like that every month (or week depending on how serious you want it to be) so that he realizes what you do or don't mean to him. If he sacrifices even a little from what he is doing right now, it is progress. Progress that will most likely become more significant over time. Also, at the same time, try talking to the other members of the band and/or the manager and try to make some changes that way, it will make him realize more seriously that you mean buisness and that you just can't get it done without going around his back to get things done.

I am also a full time musician (cellist), of course my wife is too (violinist) so I don't have to deal with rehearsals problems and such, but music is a life path, and for those who chose it, it takes a lot of energy and passion to pursue. On the other hand, so does a marriage. The goal is to find a happy medium between those two, for both of you. It just might take a while to do that.

Answer 3

First of all, you must be blunt with him and tell him straight out "I Cannot handle the bills and all the work by myself, you need to help me out here or we will have some real problems in the future" If that doesn't get through to him then I don't know what will. Sometimes it's really hard for a woman to take control of her life during a marriage. Because some time in a woman's life, we were taught that we had children and stayed at home, and our husbands looked after us (or that's what the majority of the women believe) Which, to an extent should be true. Your husband sound like he still has a lot of growing up to do. He needs to take some responsibilities and realize that you are more important than his band. I'm not saying he should completely give up on his band, but you deserve more time with just you and him. Next time he asks you to move over your honeymoon for one of his little band trips, tell him no. You need to be able to say to him, We can do both what we want somehow, but we WILL go on this Honeymoon/Whatever. You need some time to do something fun, a marriage shouldn't be depressing, nor should it be a one person thing. You both need to contribute into making it work and you need to tell him that he's doing a really sucky job on his part. I'm sorry if my answer didn't quite hit the spot, but I hope I helped you in a small way :)

Answer 4

I think that you are taking a bit too much responsibility. Time to make him grow up...

I know a woman that married a musician. His music and band are every thing to him. They have been married about 13 years. They have two kids. Here is how she does it.

She is a partner in an accounting firm. She makes probably $200 thousand a year. He works occasionally. Usually small gigs for a couple hundred dollars. He doesn't stay at home with the kids, they go to school or day care. He looks cute with long hair and she says that she married a rock star. But as for income, his is minimal. He does take care of the kids when she is out of town on business. He is happy and she is happy. But if he had to support the family, the happiness would end.

I hope that you are prepared to live like that...because from my experience, that is going to be how it is going to have to be.

You like being the breadwinner? How about if he cheats on you with some band chick?

Yes, you married him,....but he owes you more. Up to now, you are saying that what he is doing is ok....Time to put your foot down and see what happens.....if that isn't good for you, then get use to the idea of how you feel now for the rest of your life.

I know it sounds unappealing...but the facts are the facts. The wife is not to be second...perhaps equal with the career at brief intervals...but usually first. Ask him what matters. Then determine what you want. Love isn't enough to make a marriage work. It takes two people putting effort into it.

That is a fact, Jack. Good luck

Answer 5

Funny . . .I'm in a similar situation. I'm not married yet and probably won't be until he is financially set so my problem isn't that. My problem is with the musical industry itself. Women throw themselves over these men and they live pretending to be whatever their fans want them to be and that is completely the opposite of everything I believe. When it comes to relationships I am very selfish. I don't like to share who I am with . . .and i understand how frustrated you must feel even though our issue isn't the same. But i think we can handle our issues the same way. Communication!!!!! Let your husband know how you feel. Tell him you understand that his music is his passion and you have no intentions of taking that from him. Tell him what bothers you. If he loves you as much as you love him he will find a way to fix everything and make you feel more better about the relationship. It takes two for a relationship to function. It can't be you doing all the work. If he isn't willing to help . . .then you not supposed to take anything else from the person whether you love them or not. Look what you have sacrificed. Where is his sacrifice? Good Luck

Answer 6

To sing the blues, you've got to have lived them too to carry on. The issue here is that you're married to a musician. Musicians, in fact, entertainers in general, are a different kind of animal. They live in the abstract. They willingly starve for their craft. Now, you have a choice here. You can either bail, or you can stay. Bail, and you may find someone a little more sensible; more grounded and you can live a sensible, grounded life. Stay and you can share your man's passion, support his search for the perfect anthem, clean up the notes and time signatures when he cuts himself shaving, and live life never knowing what tomorrow may bring. Maybe he'll sacrifice his dream for your happiness. Maybe he'll get a record deal.
It's very scary; stepping off into the unknown, but maybe, just maybe, the rewards will be worth the sacrifices, whichever direction you choose to go. Good luck.

Answer 7

It's amazing what a person will do for love or when in love. I have two nieces, on married to a musician and basically supports him and the other who's husband quit work right after they married.
I don't pretend to understand it, but they both have happy married lifes and made the choice.
I know they both knew what they were getting into the situation so they were not shocked or unprepared for what happened. I can only hope that your husband makes it big in his choice.
So in answer to how much are you supposed to take from someone you love - as much as you are willing to take.

Answer 8

Well, sweetie, you can't bail on him. you are his wife. and he needs to take the lead and get a job to pay the bills. his band will have to understand that when he got maried he took responsibility for a haousehold. you are going to have to enlighten him to this concept. you have got to give the marriage time to work. you are getting to know each other as a married couple and give it time to work. you are facing a huge hurdle and tihs is the time people bail. when things get tough. guess what: it's not going to get any easier. He might never make it but the price he paid when he married you was to put you and the household needs first the attitude he is supposed to have is "baby if you're leaving I'm going wih you." it's the same attitude you are supposed to have. now that we have that straight let's get the fiances in order. At least one of you is supposed to have a job. He is the one who is supposed to be going without. It's called being selfless. If anyone in the household is going without it should be him because gosh darn it, he LOVES you that much. and he should love you enough to get a JOB to make sure both of you are covered. you are supposed to yield to him and the descisions. Go ahead and yiled to the desicion at this point. it sounds totally wacko, I know but try it out and when he sees what you are doing he will probably come around and show you the love and may start listening to you. it's a radical aproach. The band might end up taking a back seat to your relationship. yield to him and yield to God and pick up a bible and look up all the passages on marriage. yield to those. You married him. you're kinda stuck with him. I know this probably isnt' the best answer but if you do this he will proably start to exhibit the proper response which is to be a leader in the houseold. the beauty of this is you won't have to say a word to him. he should get it all on his own. he'll start being selfless he'll start doing thigs for you because he loves you, I dont' know about going to church, but he may if you are religious, he'll start opening up to you again, and he'll start being all around good guy again (staying out f trouble) It may take a while. The nagging isnt' helping and you may have to work several jobs for a while to make ends meet and that may be what he wants you to do. This may end up being your life but it was what you chose when you married him. you made a choice when you said your vows in front of whatever altar you stood in front of. I don't expect to get best answer but I do hope it helps! God Bless!

Answer 9

your problem is not married to a 'musician'. your problem is married to a guy who don't put you on his priority list! it's the same as married to any guy who puts his career/passion first and relationship second....which sometimes isn't right. over bread and love, i think bread has to come first before we can enjoy love. if you have tried every way of talking to him and making him understand that you're not happy with what he gives you or put you on his priority list, you should leave and find someone who will treat you the way you want it. good luck!

Answer 10

You are not supposed to "take" anything from the one you love and it sounds like you have had more than your share. He is self absorbed and likely not aware of how you feel. Tell him and ask him to get a job. He should be contributing.