She is even said we had to go see a councilor because she believes that he has something physically/mentally wrong with him. We did and the Dr said he is just unsure of himself and shy. My mom says as long as I am happy, but this is really upsetting me a causing a lot of issues between not only me and my mom but me and my finance too I am very upset. Any advice?
2007-03-19 11:35:56 · 10 answers · asked by Jenna 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Oh, I am so sorry! I dont know exactly how YOU are feeling, but I know how he is feeling. I am the exact same way and I am 37, its never gotten any better, but the more I get to know someone the easier it is to open up, I can tell you that if he is aware of how judgemental SHE is being is only making things worse on him, I know this for a fact, people like us are already worried sick about whether or not people like us or how they are viewing us and if they are acting negatively towards us that only makes us shut down and clam up all the worse. Maybe you could try to explain this to her mom. Shell get alot farther with him using sugar instead of salt. If he starts to believe that she might like him it might get easier for him.
2007-03-19 11:41:54 · answer #1 · answered by alexandria1_1999 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice is to stop listening to your mother.
I am DEAD serious.
I'll be direct:
What in the hell kind of nerve does your MOTHER have to tell YOU about your fiance. If he is shy or nervous or loud or demeaning or childish - WHO CARES?
Do you love him? Are you COMMITTED TO SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM?
Ask that about 50 times each day.
If the answer is yes then there are a few things you need to do as the relationship manager.
Trust your instinct
Trust your fiance
Love him unconditionally
Stroke his ego daily (trust me - YOU are the beneficiary)
Communicate with him - tell him what you need
Your mother is gone - you are going to be a wife. Your mother is now your FRIEND. Think of her this way. Your friend (mother) has given you some VERY BAD ADVICE THAT MAKES YOUR FIANCE FEEL UNSURE AND BAD ABOUT HIMSELF.
You don't want your partner to feel negatively about himself, because it will seep into the marriage.
FP
2007-03-19 11:49:54 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Five words: stand . . . up . . . to . . . your . . . mother.
That story is so disturbing on son many different levels. When your mom told you that you "had" to go see a counselor, because SHE thought that YOUR fiancee was somehow defective . . . you have told her exactly where to stick it. Instead, you just rolled over!
When you get married, you have to be independent - an adult. Until you learn to stand up to your parents, you have NO business getting married. Your mom cannot - CANNOT - be allowed to get away with crap like that. She has to learn - and you have to teach her - that she can't run your life, period. Otherwise, your husband, and your marriage, will be miserable.
2007-03-19 11:46:51 · answer #3 · answered by Humberto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your mom that if she will not be part of the solution, to not be part of the problem. Tell her to butt out and not be a hypacrite in a nice way if possible. You are giving your mom to much power in your life, you are a grown women, think. You are planning to start a life with the guy, decissions will have to be made that affect you and him, not your mom. I dont think the problem is him???
2007-03-19 11:43:22 · answer #4 · answered by another journey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i would just try to help your guy through it like if he is in front of your mom and doesnt want to talk much, try to rub his back or his neck, i know it sounds weird but it might relax him so he wont be so shy. i did it with my husband when he first met my family and it seemed to work cuz he knew i was there and trying to help.
and about your mom. tell her he doesnt need a doctor. lol. your guy is fine but like you said he is just insecure which isnt a good thing though so you are going to have to work on making him feel good about himself. compliment him on certain body parts. and he should start getting more and more safe in his own skin..
good luck
2007-03-19 11:42:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to take a good, hard, objective look at how you relate to people and how your fiancee relates to people. You might have an introvert/extrovert thing going on here. While it is possible for an introvert and an extrovert to live happily ever after, you need to be very sure-- both of you-- of what you're getting into.
Any kind of relationship between two people is sort of like both of them picking up a big, heavy log. For the relationship to be a "go," you either both have to carry an equal weight, or you have to have an understanding that one of you is going to carry more and you both have to be okay with it. But if one of you is carrying more weight in the relationship, and there is no understanding of this and acceptance of it by both parties, you're heading for trouble.
I'm sure this is what your mom saw. In the relationship between her and your fiancee, he apparently wasn't carrying any of the weight of the "log". I can speak from experience, because my father is like your fiancee-- it can be an awful drag, a real miserable time, when you are with someone who just flat-out doesn't respond to overtures to take part in conversation, in activities, in the normal give-and-take of the relationship. You can come to feel that socially, you are carrying all of the burden. It can be really uncomfortable when you're in a social situation and people are trying to carry on a conversation with someone you care about, and they just won't even try to be sociable.
Your fiancee might feel some resentment about being thrust into situations he doesn't enjoy, if you force him to accompany you to social situations. How is that going to work out over time? And after the social occasion is over, what does he do? Does he ever criticize the other people or complain to you about the situation? Does his apparent shyness prevent him from giving you positive feedback about the things he does like to do? Does he ever-- or never-- tell you that he's enjoyed activities or being with people? If he never tells you what he likes to do or who he likes to be with (other than you), how do you feel about that?
It sounds to me like your mom has given you a good "heads up" about possible problems. I think you might be wise to go with your fiancee to couples counseling to try to figure some of your issues here out before you guys set a date.
Good luck.
2007-03-19 11:50:50 · answer #6 · answered by Karin C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly I don't think you are ready for marriage if you follow your mother's insane advice about your relationship. You know he is shy. if it doesn't bother you then why take him to a Dr. to try to fix it. I am surprised he even went. How does he feel about your mother? Are you ready to stand up to her and choose your husband over your mother?
2007-03-19 11:56:44 · answer #7 · answered by ciao_gina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, tell your Mum to back off for a while. Not everyone is an extrovert. Your fiance will come out of his shell if she gives him the space to do so. She can't push it.
2007-03-19 11:41:05 · answer #8 · answered by Jason C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TELL YOUR MOTHER TO GO GET A LIFE AND STOP MEDDLING IN YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR SOON TO BE HUBBY. AS LONG AS HE TREATS U WELL AND NOT ABUSIVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS...SO WHAT HE IS SHY ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE SHY ~
2007-03-19 11:40:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell you mom to but out......if he is a great guy that should be enough for her......and if it isnt you may have to be the one to stand up for the both of you (your fiancee and yourself)
2007-03-19 11:40:32 · answer #10 · answered by Rhylie and Paiyden 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋