About 2 years I had an affair with a married man for a couple of months and we totally fell in love with each other, but he decided to stay married (which I didn't ask him to change) because of his daughter, which I not only understand but also support. So we decided to break it off and not talk to each other. About six months ago we spoke and we said that we still had feelings for each other and I told him that I wasn't going to torture myself for it, and we agreed not to act on our feelings.
We hadn't seen each other for a while a couple of months and now he has come back to work part-time in the same place I've been working as a full-time. I've been trying to avoid him. but it has become really hard... Does he just want to torture me? Why hasn't he stop working there (I mean he only comes for 10 hrs a week when I'm there)? I just don't get it!
2007-03-19 10:47:44 · 13 answers · asked by myliz 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The point of the questions is to help me understand, not telling me something that I already know....
2007-03-19 11:08:02 · update #1
He likes the attention from you. It seems like he is not "letting you" fall out of love with him, by constantly coming around. Just do your best to ignore him, do not be friends with him any longer. Its not fair to his wife what he is doing, and it is not fair to you either.
2007-03-19 11:48:30 · answer #1 · answered by Kari R 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Girl, this question SO hit home with me! I was involved with a married man for 4 years! He kept telling me he was going to leave his wife, but couldn't because of the kids. I was a single mom at the time, and he filled all the lonliness I had, but oddly enough, as I look back, he wasn't there some of the times I really needed him the most. Anyway, to make a long story short, I could not longer wait on him for the time to "be right". It was the HARDEST, most heart-breaking thing I've EVER done in my life, but I ended the relationship. He tried to re-kindle it several times, and it was TOUGH not too. Even now...9 years later, I still have feelings for this man. As far as me giving you advice on how to understand it, I don't know that I can do that, as I don't know that I really understand. As I look back, the only thing I can figure is that HE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH to let go of what was dead and still is dead to take the chance at having a real life with me. I am positive that he loved me. I am positive that he still does love me.
One thing you can be sure of is that men do not like change.
One thing that helped me through this was the saying "the pain of change must become less than the pain of remaining the same."
I would encourage you to ignore this guy at every cost. If necessary, go to your boss and explain there is a past history and you are not comfortable with him being there at the same time you are, and ask if your schedule can be altered or work place can be altered to where you are not in direct contact with him.
I would encourage you ro no longer discuss whatever feelings you have for him, as he might see that as an opportunity to begin where you left off 2 years ago. That will be TORTURE for you.
I am surmising that you are single, and if so, go join a health club - there are some FINE specimens there! :) You can always find some huge guy and ask him if he'd be your bodyguard! Ha, ha.
You can also meet some nice guys at church. Even if you just find a good male friend to hang out with, that should give your old flame reason to back off if he sees someone else is in the picture.
One more thing...I tried that too, and my old flame ended up breaking us up because he got my best friend to stage a secret meeting with him (I found out after I arrived and he showed up) and he promised and promised he'd leave his wife if I just broke up with this guy I was going to marry...I did and of course, he is still married to her to this day.
Distance and no contact is the only thing that worked for me. It's still difficult for me, but I am surviving and am MUCH stronger than I once was. I hope you can find the strength to move on with your life and not fall back into this guy's charms. Good luck to you!
2007-03-19 18:30:11 · answer #2 · answered by japanizationstation1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
All sexual relationships involve a deep level of intimacy that is just difficult to break off. Emotions are not easily controlled or manipulated. My wife had an affair, and you can see the turmoil people go through...in many ways, it was harder for her to sort this out than for me. People can love more than one person, no question about it, which is why our commitments become so important....when this line is crossed, it complicates so many lives for a long time. I don't think there is any solution, except to isolate yourself from this man forever...even if it means switching jobs. Take care.
2007-03-19 17:55:21 · answer #3 · answered by Paul 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Tell him that you don't want him because he is destroying your life! You are in control of you and what becomes of you in the future you don't want to be some sort of out side woman for the rest of your life now do you?
Live you life for you and try to put him out of your mind he is trying to test his waters to see how far he could go with you again. Don't get draft into this. Think about his wife there are always two sides to a story. You should find out what is hers before you start judging.
2007-03-19 18:11:40 · answer #4 · answered by *Pretty In Pink* 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Who knows? But the thing is, you need to just stop torturing YOURSELF! This man can't get to you unless you LET him. If you've really moved on with your life, then move on! I think you're doing the right thing by avoiding him. When in doubt, take flight! You can't do something stupid if you don't give yourself the chance!
2007-03-19 17:51:35 · answer #5 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He never fell in love with you. You were a piece of tail. Sorry. He stayed married because he loved (even though he mistreated) his wife.
Stay the hell away from him. You have no business being with a married man.
You DON'T get it. That is clear. One day you will see it. For now, just trust me. You have been played for a fool.
2007-03-19 17:53:42 · answer #6 · answered by Disco Stu 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
the guy is a player and hes hoping for a bit of action of the side - andur convient dont get sucked into his game
U dont need to understand his motives
Hes selfish and doesnt care about u
Go live ur life and stick it to him
2007-03-19 18:21:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Listen to paul. The guy makes sense!!
2007-03-19 19:30:06 · answer #8 · answered by Freckles2 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he is not there to torture you, but help himself by seeing you at least alittle since you two reestablished feelings again...but are not going to react to the them ....but to just see you is going to have to be enough for him.......
2007-03-19 18:36:47 · answer #9 · answered by Renee 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
so in 6 mos. u never found a SINGLE guy to be w/?!?!? get a life of ur own and dont be tempted w/ this guy..
2007-03-19 18:15:35 · answer #10 · answered by mitval 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋