I think my marriage is falling apart! Please help me?

Question

I dont know where to start. Were young we have a baby and we love each other. We have been married for two years. We both have tempers and we argue a lot. When we were dating I had a lot of patience, but I guess I thought he would grow up eventually. As soon as my son was born I became responsible and I stopped thinkin of myself and started thinkin of my family. He on the otherhand, likes to blow money, drink, party, and thinks mostly of himself. I see the good in him. I know he wants to be a good man and I dont want to leave him. But he is disgusting when he drinks. He needs a babysitter and he gets irresponsible. And you have to watch everything you say to him because he gets very mean and testy. How to I make him realize that enough is enough. How Can I help our relationship. I understand that we are young and he still wants to party, but how do I make him realize that family is forever and it should be more important to him that how is acting.

Answer 1

Ok - you are living my life - almost exactly! I, however, I have four children and have been with him for 19 years! We were young too, and I was blinded by love! I thought, just like you are thinking, that he would grow up after the first baby was born. I became instantly responsible and immediately started thinking of my child first. He, did not! I left when my first was 1 1/2. It got better, we started dating again, I ended up pregnant with #2. We tried once again, but I quickly realized that the changes were only temporary. As soon as he got comfortable with our relationship again, everything went back to the way it was. We went to marriage counceling, it didn't work. I am still with him today - but I am still as unhappy as I was 18 years ago! I am not trying to get sympathy!! I made my choices! I love my children and I have chosen to stick it out so that they can be raised in a 2 parent household. My husband and I don't fight, we can agree where the children are concerned, so I feel like I owe it to my children to keep their dad in their lives full-time. However, it has been a huge sacrifice. He is a very selfish, person. If I could go back to the time when I left him, I would NEVER have gone back to him.

My point.....NOTHING you can do or say to him will make him change! That has to come from within himself. You have to decide whether or not you want to be with him, exactly how he is today, for the rest of your life!? The most valuable lesson I have learned....whenever you set out to change the person you are with, you will be sure to lose yourself in the process! Be happy!! Focus on bettering yourself and working towards a better future for your child. He will either follow your lead or be left in your dust. Either way, his life is his responsibility!

Best of luck to you!!

Answer 2

It sounds like he's still hanging out with single friends. It's time to make some "couples" friends. The parties are a bit more tame and end really early. He also needs a mentor. Someone that will take him under their wing and show him what it means to be a husband and a father. The rules have changed, but he does not have an OBJECTIVE person (you're not objective, you're very much involved in the situation and have a vested interest, and biased in your own favor) to walk him through the rules. The rules do not come naturally. He is acting naturally, but it's time for an adjustment (you are not the one that can effectively give him this adjustment [you'll be called a nagging wife]).

Counseling could provide this mentoring, or perhaps his father, or your father (if he trusts him to be objective), or someone trusted in your church or civic group.

It is time for him to grow up, but he's hangin on as long as he can. You're going to need help, perhaps one of the people mentioned above will be the help you (and he) need. Unfortunately, you can't tell him to go get one of these, but perhaps you can send a mentor to him.

Answer 3

Counselling is a good idea. Your husband sounds like he does not realize the magnitude of the responsibility a family is. When he is sober I would share your feelings and tell him very clearly how you feel when he acts the way you described. Tell him you want to move forward in your life together but feel he is stuck where you were before. Maybe this is a very hard adjustment for him, and he does not know another way to live. My husband told me that becoming a fatehr was very hard on him socially, b/c his childless friends just assume he can't go out and don't bother to invite him. HE feels that is different for mom's b/c there is a natual bond, but for men it is not the same. maybe your husband feels trapped that way as well....

Answer 4

you cannot make him grow up. he will get there when he is ready. but what you can do is leave and get a place of your own. to give him a taste of what will happen if he does not chose to straighten his life out and start thinking about others. you on the other hand can get a job if you dont' have one so that you can have your own source of income. just because you are a parent doesn't mean that the fun in your life has to stop. hang out with your friends as well, do some activies...anything.

Answer 5

OK, you are young. And young husbands acting like they're still "just out" of high school, isn't unusual. So, if that's all you asked, no big deal. But, you spoke of drink making him disgusting, and having to be careful, because he gets very mean. Any woman that is physically afraid of her spouse, probably should divorce.

Answer 6

The next time he is sober sit him down and have a heart to heart . Tell him how you feel and what you would like from him. But don't expect him to grow up over night, give him time maybe ask him to limit his party nights to every other weekend at first so he doesn't feel you are trying to attack him. Then ask him to spend the other time he used to spend partying with you and your son. Good Luck.

Answer 7

your baby is of prime importance,you'll have had him and therefore there is no escape.First, get your financial scene in shape,make sure there is a contribution from the man's side(take legal help if necessary).and then make every arrangement to give your baby a secure environment to grow,it maybe leaving the man or staying with him ,only, get it across clearly 'that the baby is your joined respnsibility at any cost'.......love

Answer 8

You need to have your dad or his or maybe a uncle sit him down and explain to him the facts of being a husband and a dad and if he can't take the heat get out while you and your child are still young.

Answer 9

You need to be responsible to yourself and that child-so lay ot out and give it 6 months.If you can do it-so can he.Its time to grow up-if he doesn't then leave-because a responsible loving person is out there looking for you right now,I bet.by giving it that 6 months,uyou know you gave it that final chance.

Answer 10

Tell him that unless things change, you and your child are leaving. He is a father now, and he needs to act like one. He made a conscious decision to have a family and now he needs to deal with the consequences.