After telling him I was bisexual, he actually encouraged me to find another female. We talked about it quite frequently and he was really turned on. Then last night, he got pi**** off that I had been chatting w/another female about it. He said that the whole thing was a big test to see if I would "Cheat" on him. I don't think it was fair to lead me on and then throw it in my face later. He's even been reading my questions and answers on here to find out what I've been up to while he's away. I'm so upset over the whole thing. Advice or opinions anyone?
2007-03-19 10:23:56 · 51 answers · asked by SweetGin 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
No, I haven't done anything w/a woman since I was a teenager, and then I got married young, I still was not completly sure of my sexuality. I've been married 11 years and he used to talk about a threesome several years ago, but when I want to go along with it...it's a whole other story. We're not getting a divorce, I just feel decieved and hurt, at least I was honest w/him, nothing behind his back
2007-03-19 10:42:58 · update #1
Wait.....that female wasn't ME you were talking to, was it????
2007-03-19 10:54:44 · answer #1 · answered by Confused Woman 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
One part of any good relationship is open communication if you two talked and he encouraged you to look then he was wrong to get mad later.. It is like a girl telling a guy "yes you can go out with your friends have fun" then when he gets home she is mad because he went.. that is unfair and visa versa as well.
If he was testing you that is so wrong, if he had a problem with this then he should have talked to you.. both of you should have talked and talked a lot about this..
But I do have a question? Did you just discover you are bisexaul or did you know this when you first met him and got married? I am only asking becasue many people do not know till later (not all) and if you did know when you met him in my opinion only you should have been upfront then in the start of the relationship not after you have been married.
But still to your question: He was wrong to test you then get mad. If he said "go for it" and you did by talking to another then it is his fault ....
so many like the idea of some things but once it starts to become a realtiy it is hard to deal with. This may be what he is feeling and is insecure and thinks he will loose you.
If you are confused talk to him, he may be confused as well and unless you both keep the lines of communication open and talk it can be worked out but if you both or even one refuses to talk then it could be a very rough road.
What is your opinion and his on watching and him even joining in? this may help him get beyond the cheating thing if he is involved. But then again that is a big thing as well and many find out after they have tried it, they have had more problems one can not have jealousy when involved in that.
Good luck!!
2007-03-19 10:36:29 · answer #2 · answered by Tonya R 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ooooo what a busterd he is..to try and use a sort of polite phrase for him. That's unfair of him really, especially since he knows right out you're bisexual. My Partner and I have been married for 26 going on 27 years now and the one thing we found was that 3 do not usually work. (My cousin is a comfirmed Old Maid but likes to try and "fit in") We love her dearly but she doesn't belong in our bedroom and we're monogamous.
Your husband has *no right* reading your Q&A on here. You have some right to privacy and if he doesn't after a time, leave you be then he's become controlling and you'll have to make up your own mind about staying or leaving becuase he will always have this "something" to throw back in your face for every little thing you cross him on. Trust me. There are men who'll do it...watch him.
He was jealous that he could get left out, that it may go sour and his ego put a stop on it.
11 years is a long time and not something to be taken lightly should you choose a different course of action. Be cautious, especially since he reads your mail. Good luck.
2007-03-19 11:11:40 · answer #3 · answered by Mama Otter 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
1. Get a new computer that has its own separate anti-spyware, and is swept clean.
2. Get a new screen identity.
3. Look your husband straight in the eye and call him a scumbag for sucker punching you like that.
4. Hire a good lawyer, if for anything else, to scare him.
5. And remind him that marital intimacy means trust. And its HE not YOU that failed that test. You trusted him with something about you he either didn't know before, or only suspected. Instead of loving you unconditionally, he set you up to fall, and then threw that intimate secret in your face. That's treacherous and despicable!
6. Maybe you ought to find out if he's been seeing someone on the side? Perhaps HE'S the one that has a problem -- not you.
2007-03-19 10:35:47 · answer #4 · answered by krollohare2 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just because you are bi doesn't mean that you should be with more than one person! Marriage is between two people in love that want to have a committed monogamous relationship with each other. If you wanted to have your cake and eat it too, you should have made him aware of that before you let him marry you. Being with someone else, whether male or female, when you are already in a relationship with some one IS cheating and he has every right to question your intentions. You were in the wrong and it is now up to you to make amends, or go and find someone that want to "share" their partner with another and let him find happiness elsewhere.
2007-03-19 10:38:16 · answer #5 · answered by Lilly 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think that is tottaly unfair!!!He tells u it is ok and then when u try and talk about ur feelings towards it to another person; who which happens to be a female; then he gets mad! Guys are always like that!! Here I am not saying that he doesn't love u but i would think that if he really really really loved u for everything that u are and what u do, then he wouldn't of cared. I am straight but i have a bunch of friends that are gay/bisexual and I treat them like any other friend that I have. And i do that b/c I like them for the way they are. Maybe you should tell him, " u should like me for the way I am. A lot of people have accepted me for the way I am, and i thought u would too, and thats why i told u." Good Luck!
2007-03-19 13:04:40 · answer #6 · answered by Abby,,[[RAWR]] 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, have you cheated on him? If not, exactly how do you plan to handle your bisexuality while you're still married to him? I don't think it was right for him to lead you on, but it also wasn't right for you to take to the suggestion so eagerly while you are still a married woman. Just because he claimed to have found the idea to be a turn on, didn't mean you had to jump on it. You still could have said something like, "Dave, you know I may have bisexual feelings, but I'm married to you and I would never cheat on you ... with a man or a woman." I think you two need to get marriage counseling and sort out your feelings for each other and decide whether you want this marriage to continue.
2007-03-19 10:31:37 · answer #7 · answered by Emily Dew 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Gosh... been there and done that. What kind of coniving a$$hole is he... "just to see if you would cheat" If I were you I would like about it long and hard to see if staying with him is worth it. It may not be if he cant except the fact that you are BI... I dont know about you but when I am with a woman I dont want my husband around... I know some people think thats not fair and that it is cheating but thats how I fee. Girlfriend... you have got a lot of thinking to do. Wish you luck.
2007-03-19 10:48:54 · answer #8 · answered by ItalianPrincess 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me, like he is one of the many heterosexual men, who like the thought of two women making love to each other, because it somehow turns them on. On the other hand, what may be fun and games to some men, sometimes isn't easy to handle by a loving husband (or wife), because he/she might be afraid of loosing you! Talk with him! Make sure he knows that you married him because you love him! And that even though you sometimes long for some female affection, he is the Number 1 in your life! If it turns out that he cannot handle the situation, you should ask yourself, whether you love your husband so much, that you can live without the love of a female...
2007-03-19 10:43:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Definitely not fair. It sounds to me like he's not as comfortable with it as he'd like to be. Like he *thinks* he should be cool with it, so he's encouraging. But then his discomfort and/or questions (i.e. what if you decide that you prefer women and leave him?) are coming through when the possibilities became a bit more real.
Act on the basis of the rest of your relationship. If it's good, then reassure him that you want to stay with him, stop talking about it with anyone and let this one slide. At least until he's gotten used to it.
If it's not good -- and spying on you is a red flag -- then there are *other* issues you need to address in your relationship, separate from your orientation.
Best of luck with all of this.
2007-03-19 10:39:48 · answer #10 · answered by The angels have the phone box. 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I always caution people that this fantasy is better than reality and reality often ends the marriage.
You need to back completely away from the bisexual thing and work on your marriage now.
His feelings are hurt and that is the only thing that matters - they need to be repaired. He should have been honest and said it would bother him, but maybe he did not know how he felt.
If you want to save your marriage you have some work to do and some trust to rebuild.
2007-03-19 10:30:52 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋