What do I say to my daughter?

Question

What could I possibly say to my 8 year old?
Her dad and I split up when she was 3...she is 8 now. Lastnight she told me, "I hate my life" she said that the only thing she wants more in the world than anything, and prays for every night, is that her dad and I get back together and we all live together as a family because moms and dads are supposed to be together. She was sobbing uncontrolably! I've been in a relationship for the last 5 years with someone and her dad just ended a relationship with someone. I have a 2 year old with my boyfriend as well. I don't want to tell her it's hopeless, we still love each other very much, but I don't see us getting back together any time soon. What can I say to her to help her understand that it's ok?
Her dad lives about 2 hours away and he gets her every other weekend or whenever he wants. I don't understand why she is so upset about it now, 5 years later...

Answer 1

She's finally old enough to understand some of what it means to live in a divorced family. My son at 12, 6 years later, told me one day that he just wished that his dad and I were still together, so everything would be "ok" again. I explained to him gently, that me and his father being together would NOT make everything "ok". I explained that we just didn't get along, and fought all the time, and that it made things scary for us, and for him and his brothers, and that just because Dad and I were not together anymore, didn't mean that we didn't both still love HIM immensely, and that also didn't mean that we weren't a "real" family. I explained that LIFE is about CHANGES. Nothing really ever stays the same. Some changes are good, but some are bad, and that is how real life works, and that he needs to learn how to deal with changes when they come. Some people die. Then that person is truly gone. He still had his father, AND his mother. Just not in the same house. I explained that some kids only have one parent. Some kids lose BOTH parents and only have grandparents. Some kids have NONE of those. And he was very blessed to still have TWO parents in good health that love him. It still wasn't perfect, but he really did understand, even though it still hurt. She has to understand (your daughter) that life doesn't always work out perfectly, but that really IS okay. She's not going to die. And she still has you both. Even if it's in two different "family" settings.

Answer 2

My parents divorced when I was 2. Honestly, I don't remember life with them together and she probably doesn't either. But I can remember being 8 and saying and feeling such things. The reality though, was that I don't think that I would have liked them being together anymore than not. Also, don't get upset if later on she tells you she wants to live with her dad - which was also an untrue statement of mine. Because once my dad did ask me if I wanted to and then I just cried because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I knew I couldn't leave my mother. My mom and I had a "bond" that he and I could never have. A lot of times from my personal experience these things get said out of anger and feeling sorry for yourself or wanting your way with something.

I suggest just tell her that you are sorry the situation is as it is, but it can't be changed. And that she is not the only one that is in a single parent home. Maybe remind her that at least she has a dad she can see because many people have dead-beat dads or none at all. Also, maybe you could just let her know that she gets "special" time with each of you that she may not get as much of if the two of you were together. Because she would have to share the time and attention from you with her dad and vice versa.

Be strong. I know it is hard. I gave my mom a hard time and feel bad about it now. But she and I have an awesome bond and I love and respect her more than ever now!!!

Answer 3

My guess is that someone at school innocently suggested that the "proper" family dynamic is made up of a mom and a dad (married), with a house, and dog. That picture does not include boyfriends, half-siblings and separated parents. We are in the same situation and I encountered the same problem with my oldest child. At first, I ignored the issue and hoped like all things this too would pass. I was wrong - finally I had to sit down with him and explain. Explain to your daughter that she is so lucky to have so many people who love her. Your boyfriend, her dad, you, all of her grandparents, her younger sibling. Tell her that you and her father will always be "together" as friends and that will never change BUT she will always be the most important thing in your lives. Don't offer 8 year olds explanations as to the complexities of your relationships (it just confuses them). Always be friendly and cordial with your ex around her - so she can still have a sense of a bond between the two of you. If you and your ex do try to patch things up and you break it off with your current boyfriend - do NOT include her in the transition until all of your issues are resolved. She doesn't need to be exposed to any hostility. Oh and she doesn't hate her life, she is just an 8 year old girl whose whims will ultimately change.

Answer 4

I dont think she needs your permission to be upset or you advice on it being okay. She seems to have a pretty good understanding that Mom and Dad are together as part of normal families.

Now, what you could do is what you and most wont face up to or do. That is examine yourself (Dad needs to do the same.) Be honest about the real reasons for your divorce and what part you played in it happening.

You might be well served to sit your daughter down and explain to her that marriages break up as a rule, because the two people involved are usually more interested and concerned with what they like or want then with what is right or moral.

Not sure how you plan to explain that kid out of wedlock thing about then new kid, but sure you will find a way to hate me for saying this and also disregard my points.

Answer 5

My best advice would be to just be honest with your daughter. Do not talk to her in code, explain what is going on, but be discreet. Do not bad mouth her father. This will just trigger her anger. Instead just explain how you two have grown a part. But always reconfirm your love for her dad, because without him there would be no daughter...get my point. Let her know you are still friends and will always be there for each other and especially for your daughter.
Maybe it is a good idea for you r daughter to start spending more time with her daddy...if he is active in her life.
I guess the key is to make her dad seem like a good guy, just that mommy and daddy have decided to be friends.

It is okay to tell her that you and her dad will not be together. That is honesty. Just be careful how you reference the relationship. And please, please never reassure the child that someday, maybe we will get back together. This will build up hope. And as a parent you never want to crush a child's hope.

Remain honest and open with your child and she will learn to respect you for that. Eventually she will understand and accept that her parents are together, friendly but separate.

Answer 6

You tell her the truth, that daddy and mommy love her but not each other, that parents always love their kids, but don't always love their partners. You probably know other divorced homes so you can reassure her that divorce does exist and Amy's mom and dad are divorced too or whomever. Being part of a group is important to kids so knowing others are in the same boat is helpful. Shes upset about it now, because she is in a social age at school and all those things she is reading about are like Noah's Ark, two by two, Mom and Dad, American dream, reality is that half of marriages end in divorce, none of which a kid can see in their schoolwork.

Answer 7

That is very saddening. She seems like she is confused. You say "we still love each other very much" and have a two year old w/ current bf. She needs some stability. Choose somebody already. It's been 5 yrs and you've had a child with #2. So what's the holdup there? I would get w/ ex and both explain to your child as nice and loving as possible the situation w/ your marriage. Only you can do that. Explain that not everybody can get along and that its not her fault in any way. It's heart wrenching. I have an 8yr old myself.

Answer 8

That's sad. It's a grim reminder of the effect that divorce has on children.

If you aren't in a position to get remarried then you are simply going to have to be honest. It will hurt, and she will cry and be very upset, but you MUST be honest with her.

Your daughter is going to have trust issues for a long time because she is going to believe that anyone that she loves will leave her. I speak from personal experience in that my wife went through a similar situation and she was over thirty before she could finally start trusting people and not think she would be abandoned. Anything that you personally can do to reinforce the trust she is lacking would be helpful to her growth and development.

Good luck and God bless.

FP

Answer 9

Maybe now she is old enough to understand that most other people have mommy's and daddy's. I face this question , too when my daughters get older. Mine are 6 and 2, and I have another child by my new boyfriend, so almost the same situation going on. I don't know what I'm going to say to my daughter, either, but I hope that when the time comes, she'll understand and be able to accept it.

Hope it all works out for you.

Answer 10

My guess is school and the age. All kids go through hard spots in their life when it comes to age. 8,12,15-17,21. Give her time and it'll work out. Remind her daily of the good things in her life. Make sure that your b/f doesn't try to be her dad especially at a hard time for her. He needs to be her friend first of all. Another thing is the 2 of you have baby together your baby has it's daddy there. Thats tough for her. Work with her and be supportive and it will all work out in due time.