will someone please read my friend's rough draft???

Question

My best friend has been spending her time writing this mafia fiction book.She does not know where to go to find people who will review it seriously,taking she is in her rough draft ,and not a real writer yet.Her rough draft can be found at live journal.com search shyababy,technorati.com search mafia dolls,or google search mafia dolls.The first sentence is i was born Francesca Macchione be sure to leave comments. She won't let us her friends read it cause she thinks we wont be honest and i would like her to be happy thanks it is a mafia fiction book.

Answer 1

Please read this in its entirety. It's meant to push her in the right direction.

Sorry, it was God awful! She broke about every rule there is to professional writing. I couldn't get past the first few hundred words.

Paragraphs? What are you thinking? A mass of words with no breaks? Give me a break. That shows very little effort and is an insult to your reader. If you want people to critique your rough draft, you had better have gone through it several times first.

Overuse of "hour glass figure." Isn't it "hourglass figure?" You use the phrase way too much and it is cliche', you shouldn't use it at all.

Passive verbs. One should almost never have a passive verb like was, is, are, etc. Use active verbs like sprint, appeared, wondered, bore, etc.

Adverbs and adjectives. You should be able to count the number of adverbs in your book on one hand. Adverbs usually end in -ly so use a word processor to find the things. Adjectives also should be somewhat rare. Use strong verbs to replace adverb-weak verb pairs. IE He quickly ran across the street becomes He sprinted across the street. In your writing, "abnormally beautiful " becomes "stunning" or "breath taking."

Never, ever start a story with a physical description of your characters. Tears of either boredom or laughter will fill the reader's eyes and they won't be able to read more. Only describe them as is necessary for your plot and try to work it into the story like:

Mario whistled as Francesca crossed the street like he always did once puberty hit making her voluptuous curves the object of any man's attention.

Francesca ducked her head in shame, her raven hair hiding her delicate face.

We don't need to know how tall your characters are to the last inch. Don't use numbers in your writing, 5 foot 10 inches should be five-ten, or better, just under six feet.

Your first paragraph, or better, your first sentence should grab your reader by the throat and force him to read your story. I don't know the gist of your story, but something like:

Instead of--
I was born Francesca Maria Macchione on January 10, 1972 to Angela and Francesco Macchione.

Try--
Angela Macchione gave birth to her beautiful daughter Francesca Maria Macchione in early '72 not realizing her baby'd earn the title of "Mafia Doll" by the age of sixteen.

I could go on and on. I recommend you read the book "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman. He covers these and many other issues. I have read over FORTY books on how to write. It ain't easy.
.

Answer 2

Sorry yet in my view I made it 0.5 way earlier I have been given bored. Your writing won't be good. It sounds like your chatting including your chum and it would not have lots of a plot like in any respect! additionally terrible financial disaster call and you're able to't positioned twilight on your tale except you get consent. notwithstanding if your no longer publishing it. and don't write because of the fact your bored. Writing is a activity and a few may even call it a fondness as do I. And have confidence me you haven't any longer have been given any writing skills. i'm an exceedingly youthful author (or quickly to be) and that i'm 13 and would do far greater advantageous than that so sorry! No offense for all of this even though it SUCKS! ~Oh and that i will write some thing that's no longer approximately twilight! i became attempting that might actually assist you and a minimum of I certainly have writing skills. only because of the fact i like twilight would not recommend that I write thoughts approximately it. Oh and if your sufficiently old to be talked to as an grownup then you would desire to be sufficiently old to take criticism. you haven't any longer have been given any writing ability so dont attempt, and that i might have emailed you an occasion of my artwork yet you dont have your e mail and you in all risk might have stolen it.

Answer 3

I couldn't find the piece. Perhaps you could edit your posting and attach a link to it.

"Mario whistled as Francesca crossed the street like he always did" - I don't think I would take any advice from someone who uses such bad English. This says that Francesca crossed the street like Mario always did!

If writing is in your friend's heart, then she will find her way. Writing with correct spelling, punctuation and grammar... that either comes with education or experience. But no creative writing class can take the place of imagination.

Answer 4

I LOVE to read! tell her to send me anything she truly wants an honest opinion of.
messages can be sent to this screen name thru yahoo questions
peace