What do you think of my poem? Is it good?

Question

Iam considering entering a poetry contest, and all I need you wonderful people to do, i: A-read my poem B-comment/suggest changes C-rate it out of 1-10 (10 being great/terrific'- 1 being horrible) D- If done properly, hope that I'll choose you as best answerer and enjoy ten pts as well as a good rating! Life's Like That Cold and grey, your hair blown astray. Flustered lost,a windswept sunhat. It may be confusing, but life's like that. Nervous with jitters, heart's butterflies flitter. perhaps your shy, oh what a drat. Left in the shadows, life's like that. Crazy with worry, feeling insane, riding around, on a destinationless train, Not sure of where you're at, spun like a spinner, life's like that. Not feeling well, full of regret. I can see how you feel, by your brow full of sweat. full of remorse, you feel small as a gnat. It's just human nature, because life's like that. ending below

The ending didn't fit! So here it is! Now you're happy and elated, aren't you glad that you waited? Can you guess whats coming, a happy ending, just that! And well, why else? Because life's like that.

Starting to feel depressed because no one has answered my question. Do you think it sucks that badly??

I'm really enjooying the feedback that I've recieved about my poem. Where it says "worthy", I meant to say "worry", so it's sort of messed up. ABout "Destinationless Train", what about "non-stopping train" or "ever-riding" train?? Thganks for all the terriffic feedback, but I need more berfore I'm convinced to send it!!!

Answer 1

I like it. it has a kinda funky beat poetry type feel to it. the only lines that took me out of the poem was 'destinationless train', that seemed to wordy and didn't flow right. I have a hard time hearing that flow within the overall poem. overall it has a rappy feel to it, like it should definately be read aloud. I like the concrete imagery in short bursts. i like the wordplay 'spun like a spinner, life's like that' is very cool. the life's like that repeating bit is well done.

you seem to have taken to heart the 'less is more' approach which is very nice to see. I can see this as a poem that was a lot longer with a lot of rewrites and condensed into this form. my only suggestion is with the 'destinationless train' line as that is six syllables right there in an otherwise free-flowin tight poem.

reminds me of Ginsberg a bit.

9 out of 10. I like it.

Answer 2

Hmm... I can't quite decide if I like it or not. There are parts of it which I enjoyed very much and other parts that just wanted to make me, well, grimace. The phrase "Life's like that" doesn't seem to flow for this particular poem, in my opinion anyway. Maybe rephrase that statement in a way that will evoke feeling in the reader, rather than just begin to annoy.

The word "destinationless" is a bit much I think, too much in one word. Maybe change it to something such as "headed nowhere on a train" or something along the lines of that.

"Crazy with worthy" doesn't seem to work very well either. Maybe change the word "Crazy" and change the preposition "with". The word "worthy" at the end of that phrase works well, but "Crazy" and "with" do not seem to flow so well.

When you wrote "I can see how you feel", change that sentence somehow so you do not need to use the pronoun "I". When you insert only one of a particular pronoun into a poem it sticks out, rarely in a good way.

Okay, now for what I liked about it!!

"Nervous with jitters", this line works quite well, and it comes in at the proper moment and adds something to the poem.

"It's just human nature" I like this idea, maybe take out the word "just" and find something different to put there, such as "merely" possibly, but I like this concept.

Overall, it was a pretty decent poem. I would rate it a 7.5/10. Try rephrasing your words and trying new ways to express your ideas and thoughts. Some of the wording seemed very ordinary and prosaic at times, try spicing things up a bit with your own flair! I can sense a very good writer here, but this poem isn't showing what you can really accomplish!!

Keep writing, you have definitely got something here, but it needs quite a bit of polishing up!! I don't write poetry myself, but I write just about anything else, if you'd ever like to talk about writing....techniques..styles...books...anything related to literature or writing, feel free to click on my name and start a discussion...!!

Great job though and good luck!

Answer 3

I think "wandering train" or "restless train" would fit better.

Its a great poem, I think you should reformat it though into more traditional segments. 4 or 5 line sections so its easier to read, so it "flows" better. Its been my experience that how a poem is "built"... (put together) makes a huge difference in how its received by those reading it. (Presentation is everything)! Much like starting up a business.... "Location is everything".

I've formatted mine into numerous different styles, if you'd like to see any as refference feel free to email me and I can send you a few. [e-mail]

Answer 4

I loved ur poem! The only thing i would change is the ending, just the part "whats coming next, a happy ending!" it kinda didnt fit....... other than that, u will win that contest! i write poems too... but im not that good, i dont think. help me out! can i send u my poem????? i wish i was as good as u :(

Answer 5

I believe you made the two small corrections if you want them and I like it and recommend you send it in.

Answer 6

I really liked it. I love to write also. Make sure you get copywrites on anything you submit. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I like your poem very much! I wrote it down on my PC. You should send it!