He has never been married and has no kids, but before meeting me and I am sure still does want kids someday. Due to medical reasons I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and cannot have anymore kids. Am I being selfish by keeping the relationship going? Should I end it? He is falling in love with me and I am pretty sure that I am too. He says not to worry about it that he can make his own decisions and that he loves me. I guess I just need a little guidance. It is bothering me because I don't want to keep that joy from him, but yet we enjoy spending all of our extra time together and we both know that there is something very special and possibly lasting between us. Any suggestions?
2007-03-19 06:18:54 · 17 answers · asked by jlynna10 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Well... there are a couple of answers here.
The best one: Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings. Express your concern about his intrest in having children of his own and your concern about not being able to be the mother of those children.
That being said there are certainly a lot of options for "having children of your own" which include being in a relationship with someone who has children and caring for those children, adoption, and various other options. Maybe he wants kids that are his own offspring and maybe he doesn't, that is a choice only he can make.
Knowing the way people are in this world having your own children doesn't mean that they will be happy. Some people are happier in a relationship such as the one you are discribing, some are happier with no children, and some are happiest if they have 12 children and more on the way...
Of course, the biggest thing here is that he (and you) have to realize that if your early in the relationship (less than 2-3 years) you are still 'honeymooning' and that is the stage of the relationship where it seems that nothing is bad enough to break it up. Because of that he might not see the (and excuse the word I am about to use) burden that two children that are not his own (or even his own) would be. For parents this is a burden of love but at the early part of a relationship he may not truely understand what he is getting into, he is, for lack of a better term, blinded by love.
Now, there is nothing wrong with him being that way, or you for that matter. That is the great part of the honeymoon part of a relationship. There is passion, there is love, there is joy...
But back to the question you asked, I'm not going to tell you what to do other than to say that if you have doubts or concerns then you should express them, he needs to understand and be aware of exactly what he is getting into.
Love is spectacular but it has to be built on a basis of trust and understanding and settling any concerns that you have would be a good place to start that.
Check out this article about the honeymoon phase and the end of it: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/84_dating_tips.html
2007-03-19 06:44:30 · answer #1 · answered by amishhockeyguy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this question actually hits close to home. Except my wife had no children before her hysterectomy.
This is a hard issue, and my wife has experienced many of the same issues that you are encountering. My wife had been concerned that because she can not have children with me (the old fashioned way), but I knew before we were married that this was an issue.
I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't speak completely for him, but I can tell you from my experience, that I would not trade my wife for anything in the world. You have two wonderful children, and your boyfriend will quite possibly love them as his own. Also, remember that there are other ways to have children then just the traditional way, adoption is a great resource that my wife and I are pursuing, and I am thrilled at the prospect of adopting a child with my wife.
It sounds like your boyfriend is aware of your condition and has accepted it. I think maybe you should have another chat with him, tell him your feelings, and ask him if he is really prepared for a commitment and marriage that will not end up with you giving birth.
Also depending on your medical situation (and financial), possibly they can harvest some of your eggs, and you could have someone else carry your baby for you.
2007-03-19 06:28:35 · answer #2 · answered by Gabriel N 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Does he know about the hysterectomy? If not, you need to tell him. With that knowledge, he can make an informed decision on the relationship and where he wants it to go. I doubt any man will leave you because you had to get a hysterectomy.
2007-03-19 06:23:38 · answer #3 · answered by Go Bears! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well speaking as a 29 year old myself it's not like he's 20. By 29 people have pretty much made up their minds about what they want and don't want out of life. If he says having kids of his own isn't a big deal to him then I would belive him. As long as he knows the deal how you can't have kids and he's cool with it then your not stringing him along by any means. He sounds like a nice guy, stick with him.
2007-03-19 06:23:42 · answer #4 · answered by Jersey Style 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, he's a grown man and if he says he's okay with it then accept that. Also, he seems the type of man who will help you raise your children with you - and you can always adopt or find a surrogate mother who will carry his baby for you. So many options - though it seems you're the only one who's stressing about the situation. If he says he loves you and it doesn't matter then believe him - there aren't too many men out there like that. You are very fortunate. Good luck.
2007-03-19 06:29:45 · answer #5 · answered by Dee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has told you to let him make his own decisions then listen to him. Enjoy each other's company. If children (or lack thereof) becomes an issue then deal with it as honestly and openly as possible. DOn't look for reasons why this relationship won't work, look for ways to make it work if this is what both of you really want.
2007-03-19 06:23:55 · answer #6 · answered by LARRY M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust his opinion. In the future, you could adopt a child together if that's what he wants. Enjoy your relationship, you may be worth more to him than having a child of his own.
2007-03-19 06:23:52 · answer #7 · answered by Georgie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is there voluntarily right? Let it go and see where it takes you both! Have fun with life its too short. Besides love isn't on every street corner! When you find it hold on to it cause you may not encounter it ever again!
2007-03-19 06:27:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ride it out. Things change all the time. I am dating a woman and I was pretty damn sure I didnt want kids, now I might. It might be the opposite for him.
2007-03-19 06:22:12 · answer #9 · answered by orderless1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have 4 children. 3 were from previous relationship. He didn't have any. But he loves all my children like they were his own. As long as you trust him and your kids love and trust him I say GO FOR IT. You may regret it if you don't
2007-03-19 06:24:31 · answer #10 · answered by darlene1989 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋