Is my marriage over?

Question

My marriage of 25 years has hit a problem - I am not sure I want to go on. I was passionately in love but now feel indifferent - though I think my h is fine and honourable in many ways.
Only recently did I realise I am an adult child of an alcoholic - I always knew my dad was violent and unpredictable, but now I see it was his constant boozing which was the key. This also means I went out of my way to find an alcoholic to marry, and my boyfriends before marriage were also pretty much drinkers and abusive.
I feel such an idiot for not understanding this before, but that is how it is.
My husband's drinking has been a problem through our marriage, and climaxed in yet another terrible near-fatal binge and breakdown at Christmas. Due to my own determination not to give in and forgive he decided to go into rehab, which has been great for him, and I also have learned a lot about my own part in this.
He remains emotionally unaware and unresponsive. We sleep apart, no love-life for 2 years.

To answer a couple of points.....I have been in Al-Anon for 14 years. We have 2 children now in their 20s, who know how I feel and love us both. They say we are old enough now to make our own decisions...(how good is that?)

My dilemma is this...do I stay with someone who struggles to love himself and apparently cannot be intimate - with feelings or sex, it seems? I feel depleted around him, lowered. Or do I, as a middle-aged woman try to strike out on my own?
My own feelings are rather adolescent, not surprisingly with my childhood.
Am I sticking with my h because he is a good DIY-er, and good with money?
Is it wrong to want to be openly loved, admired, respected and (even) occasionally worshipped?
All this time I never looked at another guy. Am I destined to be alone, married or not?

Answer 1

Perhaps not over, but entering a new phase. Let me explain.

You are correct in that you indeed have been the enabler, and the care giver. And you have probably learned that any addict is already in a relationship, it just isn't with you, so for some time, you have been at least number two on his list of priorities. This is true of any addict, be it gambling, alcohol, computer porn, anything done to excess.

Now that he has gone thru rehab, and you as well have found how aiding you were in his addiction, you both are on the "other side of the fence" so to speak --- now two rather different people, still in the same house, still in the same bodies, but indeed different and changed.

Given this, what is marriage? I think it is respect, admiration, passion and trust, with lots of lovies, kindnesses, support, learning to solve problems without rage or resentment, and sometimes just shutting the hell up. Some counselors feel that couples in your place need to start from the beginning -- have dates, learn to respond in a positive fashion, i.e., role-play your uncritical comments to each other even if you don't feel them. In other words, get to know the new person in there.

I could go on for pages, in topic sentences, but the process is too long. You each need to decide if you wish to save this marriage (as defined above, rather than as roommates as you are now). Assuming that that little discussion when you have it results in, "yes, we each do", then in your place, you need some marriage counseling, and the best place to start is either with your family practitioner or from the re-hab place where he was prior to now.

Good luck, hon. Many marriages such as yours come out stronger than they were before, and of course, some fail. But since where you both are now is unsatisfactory to at least you, you have nothing to loose.....You obviously care for him, perhaps you even remember that you and he were, above all else, best friends. Rebuild from that.........

Answer 2

The love was there before and isn't gone. You are both just working through some really hard issues. Stand by your man and open up a line of communication with him again.

ALONON could help you too. Understanding what is going on in an alcoholic's head and heart helps the ones who love them.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like he is willing to work at the relationship by going into rehab. I would advise that you both go to individual and couples therapy.

Answer 4

if you value your marriage you should invole yourself more with his feelings and be apart of his rehab, jump in bed with him with out him asking you kiss him just because, hug him just because show more effection braise his salty words and he will say nicer things to you, tell him how much you love him more often then before, show old happy pictures and reminice on good times hope this works for you,.

Answer 5

OK YOU WAIT TILL HE GOES INTO REHAB TO REALIZE YOU DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE? HE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING BY GETTING HIMSELF BETTER AND NOW YOU WANT TO LEAVE HIM? HOW DUMB ARE YOU? YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE HIM GOING TO MAKE HIM SLIP RIGHT BACK WHERE HE WAS BEFORE. YOU STUCK WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS SICK AND NOW THAT HE IS GETTING BETTER YOU WANT TO LEAVE. WHY NOT WAIT IT OUT AND BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE? PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE MY FRIEND. I WOULD WAIT FOR HIM TO GET BETTER AND SUPPORT HIM ALL THE WAY. IF AFTER ALL THAT HE STILL DOSENT SEE YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT YOU ARE, THEN I WOULD CALL IT QUITS. FOR NOW I WOULD JUST SUPPORT HIM AND BE THERE FOR HIM. THATS WHAT A GOOD WIFE WOULD DO!

Answer 6

marriage is not just bout passion u know..marriage needs work..at least he went to rehab..both of u shud work to rekindle ur romance..thats how marriages last, by working together to make it last..a point always comes in a relationship wer ul think the love is gone, but wen u work hard to bring it back to the marriage, it will come back...otherwise, how will marriages last long?!?! ur past shud not affect wat u r and ur future w/ ur husband..a marriage is over wen u dont work to make it last

Answer 7

In addition to rehab have you considered marriage counseling?

Answer 8

wen we dig graves...we only find dirt...nuthn else...wat was past..let it remain past...it will always bring u pain..nuthn else...dnt think bout ur past n compare it 2 ur present...
we r humans n mistakes r a part of our life...but 2 ignore em n move ahead is wat we can do...2 keep ourselves happy...
if some 1 doesnt wants 2 improve...they wont make an effort...but ur hubby did...
memba 1 thing...its not easy 2 get over any kind of addiction...whether its drinking or Love....u get addicted 2 it....if u dnt get help...only ur death gives a soultion...nuthn else...
love conquers all..n wen we want things 2 work out...we find a way 2gether..some1 has 2 make an effort 2 make things work...n theres no ego in a relationship as 2 who wud take da 1st step...u want tings 2 improve...talk it 2 him...as how life was n how life has come 2 be now....
unless u talk n make him understand...nuthn will work...we can only try..n expect em 2 understand....where we went wrong....leave da rest 2 da 1 whose up there...everythn will be fine...
nothin is over in life unless we want it 2 be over...
look at me...am alone...fightin 2 win da girl i love..even wen she aint supporting me...n hurtin me.....against all odds...no1's supporting me...but den.....maybe she'l be there in my life...maybe she wont...but i wanna try 2 my end 2 make things happen...
effort always counts

Answer 9

thats would be your choice, if your willing to through away 25 years of your life then do it

Answer 10

Time to move on.