How would you feel?

Question

My husband and I just had a baby in December. I stopped working when I was 6 months along since my husband and I agreed long before we got pregnant that we wouldn't put our child in daycare. Also, I waitressed and it was just too much to handle. Anyway, money has been a big issue with us lately(who isnt it a big issue with) since he doesnt make a lot of money. We are always discussing him asking for a raise, getting a new job or taking on a second job since what he makes now just isnt cutting it. We live with his parents and still have nothing. Dont get me wrong, we're not starving and the baby has what she needs, but we have none of the little extras. Well I come to find out that right around the time our daughter was born he did get raise and just never told me. It wasnt anything significant, only $1, but I feel that with all the money talk he should have mentioned it long ago. How would you feel about this? I wonder what else he could keeping from me

One of the main attractions about him was his honesty...I am now questioning whether I can trust him..and if I was stupid for trusting him all along

He forbids me to work. I offer all the time

Am I overreacting?

He claims he didnt tell me because I had a lot going on at the time he got the raise and didnt want to upset me..I dont quite understand that

I always tell him how lucky I am to have him and let him know he is apprecited and does al lot for us. I do appreciate the other things we have. This is just an issue that I need to resolve

I would love to work and I know people have to do what they have to do. I say it all the time. Something needs to give and I would love to work. I would never put my child in daycare...I do not trust them with my baby. My sister in law works in a daycare and so did I and I know all the horror stories. She needs the love only her family can give her

Answer 1

$1 an hour? that'd be a good raise. If he won't let you work he should accept the fact that you stay on him to bring in more money and shouldn't have kept it a secret,it does make you wonder about his honesty.I'd say a lot of the problem is probably because you live with his parents,that always adds stress.I wish I could stay home with my newborn(5 weeks old) but I have to go back to work this week- because I know it'd be a fight.-----------you know what, he really prob did think that the $1 would prob upset you because it wasn't enough and prob thought you'd either want to fight about it or he was simply ashamed.

Answer 2

No....
He should have told you.
Where has the money gone????
Does he get extra's and you don't???
Talk to him about this...if his answer seems legit..then ok. But you really need to have a heart to heart. You obviously don't feel like your contributing enough, and maybe he doesn't either...BUT you are taking care of a child all day long while doing other chores...thats a full time job as well. You going to work will give you the "extra's", but what about your life together...will it suffer. If things work out in a few years you wll be able to have the extras again and your child and marriage will be stronger because of it.
Tell him your loosing trust in him...talk about it.
When your daughter was born, did you handle it well or where you stressed out?? I only ask because when my first was born I was stressed....but he should have told you after things calmed down.

Answer 3

I would set down with him and have a long talk with him about it. I wouldnt get hostile and/or accusatory with him. One possible reason he didnt mention the $1.00 raise (and the same line of thinking I would use) might be that he didnt see it as so much a raise as he did an insult and maybe he didnt see any reason to mention it since (1) it obviously didnt do much to help AND (2) he was concerned that you would be upset with him about it and think he wasnt doing enough. My guess is that he's under more stress about this situation than you think and has too much pride to open up like he should. (And for the record, I dont mean to negate the stress you feel) In his mind, he's the bread winner that aint winning enough bread. Its a foolish macho thing.

Answer 4

what do you mean that he forbids you to work? he doesn't own you, you dont' work for him. if you are broke, then you need more money. if he is not willing to get a second job then you get a full time job...period. you can discuss and talk until you turn blue in the face. you are just going to have to face putting your child in day care while you work to make money. if you (as a couple or as an individual) need more money then YOU. WILL. HAVE. TO. GET. A. JOB. i cannot stress this enough. you are just going to have to face the music of you two getting into a fight over this. in order for you two to get a place of your own (since you two are married and he only makes enough money to support himself) then you will have to work. something has go to give. think about it. stop putting all the pressure on him to do everything. i understand that you are a mother now and all but you don't have any other choice. besides what he makes is really his business. i'm not saying this to be mean, but plenty of moms work full time and also put their children in day care. and if they can do it, you can do it too. so you need to (1) get a job (2) put your child in day care (3) move out of your parents house. i'm sure that your parents (or in laws) would like to live thier lives as they chose, but can't because their children are still living with them.

Answer 5

Maybe you should get a part-time job and not tell him about it, then see how he likes it. I can completely understand you being upset. With all the talk about money, you would think he would bring it up to help ease the stress. Maybe you should sit down and talk to him about the doubts you're having now, you're not stupid for trusting him but you need to make him aware that he's caused your trust to falter because he kept something like this from you. Good luck.

Answer 6

Forbids you ? if you feel the need for more money then go to work part time haven't you family that could watch you child for you for a little cash ? its 2007 get some back bone if you need extra cash and ask him why he didn't mention the raise !!

Answer 7

Did you ask him why he neglected to tell you about the raise? Sounds like you have a good, hardworking man. It's easy to get caught up in worrying about things like money. Don't forget to count your blessings while you're at it; you are both healthy, you have each other, and you have a beautiful baby. You are just starting your lives together, don't quench the flames of love by worrying about money.

Answer 8

I would be pissed too! $1 raise may not be much but it helps and he should have mentioned it right away. You would think he would be so happy to get a raise and would run home and tell you all about it.

Men are idiots if you ask me. Don't trust any of them!!!

Answer 9

I'd ask him why he didn't tell you - it's not that big of a deal - maybe he just didn't think of it, maybe, in his mind, $1.00 wasn't worth mentioning. If it were me, I'd tell him I'd appreciate if he'd tell me things like that in the future - then I'd make sure I told him how great it is that he got the raise - encourage him, don't make a big deal over this.

Answer 10

The last line of your question says it all. What was his explanation for not telling you? It's kind of a strange thing to hide...did he maybe pocket the difference, and didn't want you to know?