and i really need advice on this, i have custody of my son even though it is not court ordered that way we just decided he was better off living with me, plus i let his father see him anytime he wants to, he pays child support, that is through court, and he is a good dad, anyway i am 24 weeks pregnant and was tired so he took him for a few hours (he's 18 months old) when i woke up i decided i needed to go get him for dinner, when i got there, i could hear my son crying and i looked a abby (a friend of his girlfriend) and asked what was wrong with him, she said oh his dad went in the room and shut the door, so i just walked over and opened it (its usually not shut) and there he and two of his other friends were smoking pot and he was the one holding the bong. i grabbed my son and walked out instantly mad! he called and couldnt understand what i was so mad about. if this happen to you what would you do, i already told him he;s not allowed to take him alone, was that ok to say??
2007-03-19 02:41:41 · 29 answers · asked by puppy love 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
As far as I'm concerned he put your son in a hazardous and harmful situation. The fact that is oblivious to why it is harmful is another cause for concern. He has broken your trust and unless you have the means to get full legal custody I would suggest that you offer him an ultimatum. Either he can come and visit your son in your home with there, or he can take you to court because he will not see his son unless you can supervise it.
That might sound harsh or rediculous but what would you do if something happened to your son during his "visitation" with his dad. There would be nothing you could do about it. I had a friend in the same situation and unfortunately her son was badly injured because her ex was drinking and not paying attention to their son.
Until he is more responsible you don't have the time to be chasing after him to make sure your son is safe. You are pregnant and supposed to be taking care of yourself right now. I'd say I'd just forget the headache and make him visit where you can "baby sit" him.
2007-03-19 02:52:08 · answer #1 · answered by classylady 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, that was not only ok to say but well within your rights. Although you have not gone to court over custody, you two have an arrangement and most courts will stick with that since it is easier. So he has basically given you sole custody, showing that he doesn't want or does not feel he is the appropriate parent to keep your son full-time. He was participating in an illegal activity with a child present in the house. If you did not know that this was going on, ever, then you have nothing to worry. He is absolutely no position to try and take your son away. If he gets a lawyer, which is unlikely, you will have no problem winning a custody case, because you will have proof, including a witness (hopefully your friend saw) to him being an irresponsible parent who uses illegal substances. Now, I would suggest you talk to him when you are calmer and tell him that you don't think it is appropriate for him to do that, ever, but definitely not when your child is in the house. While you understand you can not tell him what to do, you can tell him when he can't do it and since he has basically given you full custody of your son that is your right as his mother and custodian. See if you can talk things out with him and see. He may not have a problem stopping his activites when your son is around, which is a good step to stopping them all together. Also, if he is ok with your request, tell him that you will check-up on him occasionally because you do fell like your trust has been shaken and you want him to prove that you can trust him. Don't say that you can't trust him and that you want to make sure he is following you rules. That will make things way worse. Remember, you are justified for your actions and reactions to this situation. But being justified will not make things better. He sounds like he is a good father who just screwed-up. You don't want to alienate him and pull things into a court room, because that is long and stressful and even though you'll more than likely win, it wouldn't be allthat great. Try to keep things calm and friendly. Explain your reactions and your wished without making them demands. You KNOW you're right, but you have to help him understand it.
2007-03-19 03:04:48 · answer #2 · answered by Melissa M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW!!! I was in almost the exact situation with my oldest son's father many years ago...
My son was at his dad's while I was at work.. I got off several hours early that day and just went over unannounced to pick him up.. I knocked and no one answered.. so I walked in, and only to find my 2 year old sitting on the couch alone crying.. I called out for his dad and got no response.. so I walked around the house.. opened the garage door and BOOM caught him red handed standing around with his stupid friends smoking weed.. MY JAW DROPPED!! I grabbed my son and stormed out and told his dad that he would never be alone with our child again.. and I stuck to it..
I'm not sure what your opinion about smoking pot is.. I don't do it.. but that is just my personal preference.. I DON'T have an issue with other people doing it... I like to have a beer on an occasion.. but I don't do it while I am responsible for my children. I don't think that smoking pot is a bid deal but IT DOES impair your judgment.. and it is NOT something you should be doing while you are responsible for a child.. people don't smoke pot to get the taste in their mouths.. they do it to get high..
I stuck to my guns and didn't let my son's father take him alone for a long time.. I really dug into him about the signifigance of the situation, because he honestly thought it was okay. But eventually he understood what he had done.. I asked him "if you knew I was sitting at home drinking a 12 pack while caring for our son every night, you wouldn't have an issue with that???"
If you can make him aware of what he has done I don't think you need to run off and take custody or visitation away.. but you do need to trust him 100 % before you let him take your son alone again.. Have him agree to taking some kind of parenting class or something..You need to make him understand what he has done is a HUGE deal. Had he been busted by the police SS would have taken your son in a heart beat!
TRUST YOUR GUT.. because Mommy knows best.. and no one will love that baby more that you..
I hope I helped...
and congrats on the new baby as well.
2007-03-19 03:28:41 · answer #3 · answered by Legs 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There was absoulutely nothing wrong with what you did or said. But you should get full legal custody of your son. I mean what kind of father would be in a room smoking pot when they are supposed to watching their 18 month old child? I mean children at your childs age pick up a lot a their age. This incident should have proven to you just how responsible he is with your child together and just imagine how many times this has happened or could have happened if you hadnt decided to go over there when you did.
Good Luck.
2007-03-19 02:53:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, i am newly separated and my husband had this problem while we were together. He would tell me that he hadn't smoked in months and then i would come home and he'd be sitting in his truck smoking pot and the kids (1 & 2 at the time) were inside looking out the window. It made me so FURIOUS!
You need to tell him that he needs to make a choice.. that it is either that or your son. You can't have your child around that sort of thing, or else he is going to grow up thinking it's normal. God forbid anything ever happen where you son gets hurt and he is too high to take care of him. You need to file for sole custody.. I am not saying never let your ex see him but if you do that.. then the court can make it mandatory for him to seek help and take periodic drug tests, in order to gain some sort of custody back.
He needs to grow up and realize that his priorities need to change. I think you did the right thing.
2007-03-19 02:52:27 · answer #5 · answered by mom2camnchloe 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The first thing I would do would be to get my butt in court and get court ordered custody of your child. That is for sure step one. While I was in court I would tell the lawyer and the Judge exactly what you saw and make sure that it is on the record. I would also make sure that when he sees him it is at your house and is supervised. This isn't something that you can play around with. Who cares what he or his friends think, you are the one (obviously) who has the protection instinct for your child. What happens when your child gets older? I hope that you have someone close to you for help with your pregnancy and your son. Don't let your feelings for your ex get to you, do what is best for your son...I hope this helps you, and good luck.
2007-03-19 02:56:24 · answer #6 · answered by Life's to Short 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't have any children of my own, but I have a love for all children and believe that you were in the right for taking your son out of a dangerous situation. No child should be subjected to drugs or alcohol. Some people may think it's okay to smoke pot, but the ones who smoke it, may not realize they are putting their children's lives in danger. You do need to get legal custody of your son. Get legal representation as soon as possible. Remember your son's welfare is at stake and I am sure you want the best for him (and want him to be very important part of your new baby's life.)
2007-03-19 03:09:14 · answer #7 · answered by sunchine girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are perfectly justified in your feelings and reaction. He was irresponsible. Not to mention what he was doing is illegal. What Mrs. Vick fails to realize is that even if its "just weed" which she likens to alcohol use, he shouldn't be doing either while caring for a small child. Pot (or alcohol for that matter) can slow reaction time and judgement which are both very critical should your son need help. Not to mention, it puts you in a bad spot. If social services were to find out that you allow your son at his father's home where you know drugs are being used, that's not going to look too favorably on you either. Its best to contact a lawyer and get custody taken care of officially. That's just in case your ex should tire of your current arrangement.
Will this make you the most popular girl in your ex's eyes (or that of his friends)? No, but who cares. Your son is most important. My hubby's family currently hates me because I won't allow his drug addled cousin in my home around my twins. What can ya do? Best of luck to you.
2007-03-19 02:59:38 · answer #8 · answered by duckygrl21 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would've done the same.
Now, you just need to cool down and gather your thoughts. If things have been going well so far and this is the only incident, then you need to have a civil conversation with your ex and let him know there is a time and a place for his pot smoking and you'd rather he didn't do it when he has his son. His time with his son should be just that, time with his son. Not his friends, not his bong, not his girlfriend. HIS SON. Let him know you want to be able to trust him and if you can't trust him he'll have to have supervised visits from now on.
2007-03-19 02:52:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you kidding me? Are you honestly doubting yourself for trying to protect your son? Any person that would allow that is crazy! If the cops ever catch your son in the same house as marijuana and especially you knowing that.Do you know that you can have your child taken away for that? Trust me your doing the right thing.
Now I'm not saying that you should never let your son go over there but I would make sure your ex knows that if it happens again it will become permanent and you will make sure he only has supervised visits.
2007-03-19 02:48:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋