Help with my son....?

Question

Hi everyone. Need some advice please. I have a 15 year old son who has recently informed me that he has been struggling with a deep secret for quite some time. Turns out he is what is known as bi-gender. He says at times he feels like he is a female and wants to express himself as a female by wearing nail polish. I have not been able to find much information on this subject and wondered if anyone could help me out. Also he is insisting he is not gay but he is very effemiate. Does anyone know if be-gender does eventually lead to being gay? Thank you so much for any info you can give me. (By the way, I support my son 100% and his being bi-gender does not nor will ever change the way I feel for him)

Answer 1

From what I know from friends in the same situation, gender identity has nothing to do with sexual attraction. I can relate to this somewhat as a gay man. The man I see in the mirror and enjoy being, has nothing to do with what I’m sexually attracted to. There was a short period of time when I was young, that I thought I should have been a girl, but that was my youthful explanation for my attraction to boys.

If your son was able to tell you of his “female” secrete, I assume he could have told you he was gay just as easily. Therefore I have to trust that he isn’t gay (so to speak). He could be in the same situation as a friend of mine. This friend appeared to be a straight man that loved dating the ladies. As the years went by he finally told me about his secrete. He relates to himself as a lesbian trapped in a mans body. Confusing I know…

I totally agree with “Middleman” about going to a PFLAG meeting for information and to get to know other parents in your situation. I don’t give much credit to “Some Random Guys” questions about “male figures” or “groups of women”. Way too old school - I think you can see his bigger concerns on #4 & #5 – can “you” accept and can “you” deal. It’s not about what you can accept or deal with – it’s about your son.

Finally - you are almost too good to be true - a supportive Mother that unconditionally loves her child no matter what! You are both very lucky! Please have or adopt many children – we need more parents like you! All the best!

Answer 2

Hi Olivia - first of all, it is awesome that you are willing to accept your son as he is without reservation. I think they call that unconditional love! I think that your son does not know the meaning of bi just yet, his feelings as you describe him relate more to a transexual where a male has the male anatomy but female tendencies/effiminate behavior. There are a lot of folks out there that struggle with the same issues and many learn to be happy in that lifestyle. It is probably most important for now that you keep that line of communication with your son open. It sounds like you have a great relationship if you can talk so openly with him and he trusts you enough to give you that type of information. At 15, he will probably struggle with his identity for a while yet and it could end up about anywhere. Send me an e-mail if you want some other sources of info - there have to be support groups near where you are at but I do not know what state you are in.

Answer 3

First of all, it sounds like he's done a bit of research on this to know a term like "bi-gender", unless he just made it up. I'm far from expert, but I've never heard it before.

It's great that he could come to you with this instead of hiding it deep inside himself. I hope my kids feel as open with me when they're that age.

If it was my son, I'd worry mostly about Life At School. The teen years are a great time for kids to pick on kids who don't fit the "normal" patterns. He's distinguishing himself, and that will get him noticed and possibly harrassed, and that's important to watch out for. It's the same with the kid who doesn't want to play sports or always has his nose in a textbook, or is too fat/skinny/tall/short, or gets his ear pierced when none of the other kids do.

But I don't see anything wrong with letting your child be himself. And if he wants to be herself, well, that's the way he is.

You specifically mentioned nail polish. Does clear polish help, or does the colour make him happy? He could probably wear clear and get away with it.... Maybe go for the "metrosexual" look if he wants to go further.

If it's just nail polish, he can polish his toes anyway, if that's OK with you.

I asked a crossdressing friend about this, and he said he'll either get bored or it will escalate, and he expects the latter. So be prepared, and keep communications open!

Answer 4

Being bi-gendered does not have anything to do with being gay, however, if he is describing himself as bisexual, that does mean at some time he will have same gendered relationships. However, I wouldn't focus on that aspect with a 15yr old. Depending on your house rules, he may be too young to date anyone. The "rules" don't fly out the window because a child isn't heterosexual, they still apply regardless. So if no dating at 15, and a strict curfew and expectations for behavior (school, religion, family gatherings etc) are a part of your parenting, then that doesn't change because he's identifying as bi-gendered. While I would accept his explorations with tolerance and love, I also wouldn't be confused as to what I expected from him as a family member. Kids do things to set themselves apart and set up an identity for themselves, that doesn't mean much at 15, so don't dwell on it. However if he tries to use his bi-gendered status as a reason to not do his homework, then call him on it. The grass still gets mowed, nail polish or not.

Good luck, isn't parenthood fun!??

Answer 5

The best thing he has in his favor is your love and acceptance. Being gay is being sexually attracted to members of the same sex. If says he isn't, then he probably isn't. You don't become gay under any circumstances: you either always are or you aren't. From what you describe, however, my gut feeling is that he may be happiest and more readily accepted in a gay relationship, especially if he only gets sexually aroused when he's in a female role. It takes a special woman to want to accommodate that need in her guy.

I'd let him experiment all he wants around the house to see what makes him most comfortable. It may turn out that just "dolling up" at home is all he wants or needs. If he's as cute as he is effeminate, and learns to act, Hollywood always has a role waiting for him!

Answer 6

Well you have to sit down and ask yourself some questions I believe:

1. Is there any type of male figure in the picture?
2. Is he subjected to groups of women (like you and you friends)
3. Is he getting enough attention from other family members as well as you?
4. Can you accept this later on if he chooses to become gay or not?
5. Can you deal with him coming to you with his frustration and stories about him being bullied or picked on for his taste in such things?


If you can really relate to him and give him the attention he needs and support him 100% there should be no issues. I really don't know if bi-gender doesn't lead to being gay but maybe its just a phase hes going thru. Children have many phases when they are growing up. Sometimes you just have to leave them be and see it out.

Answer 7

I wouldn't even know how to answer that. I am a gay man but I don't think that your son may necessarily be gay because he's a little effeminate. The fact that you lend him your support 100% is good enough for me and I praise you for it. He's going to be OK with a Mom like you at his side.

Answer 8

I know from experience ... you just need to let him do what makes him feel good and let him grow. If putting nail polish or lipstick on makes him feel good, then so be it. But don't ever be ashamed of him, hun, and ALWAYS be there for him because you are what he needs the most as his support! He will either grow out of it, or he will grow more into it. But whatever happens, always be there for him.

Answer 9

I think it's very mature of you to support your son. Making it comfortable for him to come talk to you will help him through this phrase in his life. Don't have any info to help you with though.

Answer 10

I think I would start with www.pflag.org
If you live near a large city, there may be a good community agency, where there could be support groups and safe social activities.