He never initiates sex?

Question

I am in a long term realationship, 5 years, My boyfreind never initaites sex, and he does not show affection very often. It has always been like this. He was like that in past relationships as well. I thought I was alright with it, and I was for a long time. Now I need more. I have tried to talk to him about it. I was very straiight forward but he does not seem to understnd what I want and need even when I spell it out. It seems like I have tried everything to get my guy to take some initaive and show me affcetion, but he still doesnt. He says he loves me and he eats it up when I initate sex and show him affection, he does return it, when I start it. How can I get him to start it? I am on the verge of cheating. Dont worry I dont have any prospects, but I have opened my mind to looking for one. I do love him and I want to stay in this relationship, but I need someone to make me feel wanted. Any new ideas, before it all fals apart?

Answer 1

Maybe try giving him a helping hand when in bed. His lack of initiative may be due to a previous experience where he initiated & failed.

Perhaps taking his hand & guiding it over your body to the spots you want him to touch you. Do not give in, though! If he still tries to get you to initiate just lay there.

As he's doing things to you make sure you give him confirmations of what feels good & if something doesn't feel good do not over-react to it. Try to react calmly. IF he is this way because of a past failure an over-reaction may scare him even more.

If you're thinking about cheating on him perhaps you should just break up with him & find someone else. If you truly cared about him you'd try to figure out the problem WITH him as opposed to trying to find a solution without him. (i.e. cheating)

Answer 2

I know that the fact he doesnt initiate hurts you but reading between the lines he is clearly interested in you in that area.You dont even say he has ever rejected your advances so all that is very positive.
Many couples find it tricky to talk about such issues. It may be that he has been constantly rejected in other relationships.He may even have been told he's too demanding and to back off!
Without talking to him who knows?
If alls well when you initiate and the sex is good for both of you,is it too much of an issue for you to accept its down to you to initiate.I know its not the way with most men but I have loads of female friends who never take the initiative but are still willing participants!
Before thinking of this though I do think you need a frank talk.If it cannot be changed,and you cannot accept that then maybe you do need to move on as in the long term these differences will eat away at you.

Answer 3

Sounds like you and your guy have hit a wall in your relationship that will make or break it depending on how it is resolved. It sounds like you'd really like to stay with him except for this. You've talked about it and he listens but doesn't get it. I'm assuming he is really listening and cares about it.

Under these circumstances I would imagine IF he could change he would have. Some people are just never able to be physically demonstrative for various reasons. I wonder is he verbally demonstrative? That would help some.

You, unfortunately, need this and you can't chose your needs. So how can you get this or learn not to need it? You could try couples counseling if he's open to it. There may be deep seated hurts that keep him so reserved.

One thing I'm hearing here is he does need you. He responds to your initiations of affection/sex that means you are wanted. He just doesn't reach out for his needs.

Maybe you could write a script for him and have the two of you play it out until it seems natural to him.

It may not be enough but perhaps you could fantasize his advance and then approach him.

If nothing works, only you can decide if you can live without this need being met. Ask yourself where is this relationship going. Are you planning to marry? Are you planning to have children? How is he with others children. Will there be enough to balance this lack out?

Good luck.

Answer 4

I have been having this problem too. And I have tried walking around in cute clothes, or 'accidentally' dropping my towel when I get out of the shower, and bending over, but he still doesn't do anything about it. He just waits until I tell him exactly what I want, he never comes up to me and starts anything. But I think I know why, or this is what he says anyways. He is in college, and also works, so I know he is stressed out from that. The next test that is coming up is usually on his mind. I haven't found a way to change it yet, and I have talked to him about it too. I think the next step is relationship counseling. If you really love this man, and plan to be with him forever, then you really don't want to cheat. I know this has never crossed my mind. We have only been together for 2 and 1/2 years, but I can never imagine doing that to him. Try counseling first. If you really want to cheat, then you need to break up with him, and be straight forward about why. Good Luck, I hope everything works out best for you.

Answer 5

There are always things about a significant other that can start to get to you after awhile. What you have to decide is if this is worth risking your entire relationship. I'm sure there are things about you he wishes he could change, but would you accept that as a valid excuse for him cheating on you? This may be one of those things you have to always deal with. Yeah - you may have to initiate sex - but are you happy with everything else? If this is just too much for you to handle, then you owe it to him to end the relationship instead of cheating. If you don't want to lose him, then you may need to find a way to not take it personal and just continue to be the one to initiate sex. In the grand scheme of things - is it really that big of a deal?

Answer 6

ok - from a guys point of view...

i'm married I've tried many times to initiate relations with my wife - but I'm also very sensitive, so when she says no, or its not a good time or whatever...i feel rejected and then don;t like to bring up the subject again ( why woudl i want to be rejected a second time or more)

so what i started is suggesting that we get together for a date in the bedroom - and will even ask her if a certain night is good for her (this gives her timet o prepare her self and get ready) alternatively I'll mkae a suggestion and then know that within a few days she'll be more in the mood.

One thing I can suggesst for you is to have a set day or days during the week when you get together.

if you want to chat privately - let me know maybe i can offer more suggestions

Answer 7

It sounds like you've tried all the right things. You've told him what you need, but he can't deliver.

You may need to tell him how desperate you feel. Instead of "cheating," maybe you need to find someone new altogether. I know you've been together for a long time, but what if you decide to have kids at some point? If you've already cheated by that point, wouldn't that make life miserable?

You probably need to take the next step to tell him how much this is upsetting you.

As hard as it might be, if he can't deliver, you may need to end the relationship.

Answer 8

this guy may just be scared of rejection, although u've been with him a while some thing like being rejected is not an easy issue to overcome. if you love him and he loves you its worth persuing dont jus go off and find some1 else. a relationship is not based on sex alone. its about companionship, friendship and LOYALTY. give him time men arn't as open as women.

good luck xx

Answer 9

I believe your guy is a "TRUE GUY," I mean he maybe doesn't believe to premarital sex and wants it to be special. He loves you and if not, your relationship will not last this long. I mean SEX is not the main thing about a relationship. (except after marriage of course) If you do love him then stay with him and trust him, but if you really like relationship with sex and take the risk of "after-sex-then-byebye" thing then go.

OR

maybe, the crazy alternative reason is that he is GAY and he was using you to understand himself better, but I don't think your boyfriend is gay hehehehe

Answer 10

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