I have an 11-month-old, and my husband and I argue in front of her frequently. Is this going to harm my child?

Question

I always thought I'd be the perfect mother, but my temper is so short with my husband. It is usually me who is at fault----name-calling and yelling. But my husband reciprocates. It is usually because of lack of sleep. And once I am well-rested, everything is fine. But I worry that my 11-month-old will pick up on the bad words and anger. I'm trying to get better, but I wonder if I've already done too much damage.

Answer 1

Do you think it helps the child in any way?

Answer 2

If it continued, then yes, your daughter would have some very odd ideas about love and marriage....she is only 11 months old, and Im sure the constant fighting would upset her, but I honestly dont think it would have any lasting damage. I am sure you both show your daughter lots and lots of love and you dont mistreat her. If she is loved by both of you, while the arguments in front of her wouldnt be very nice....the way you treat her is what is important. I guess you would know if the arguments have affected her.....Does she behave normally......is she withdrawn? Does she still laugh and play? Is she frightened to go to either you or your husband? Is she exhibiting any abnormal behaviour? If she appears to be a healthy happy baby and is not frightened of you or your husband, then I think the arguments have not adversely affected her. But you have to try to stop doing it, because if it continues then she will grow up with a warped idea of what love is.

You have recognised that constant arguing could have an adverse affect on your baby, but if you stop now, then I dont think you will have a problem. If your baby is withdrawn and doesnt laugh a lot and is afraid to go to either parent, then you have a problem.

Just work out if your baby is a normal happy healthy baby and stop the arguing in front of her and I cant see it having any lasting effects on the child.

Have you ever thought you could be suffering from post natal depression....I know its been 11 months, but women can suffer post natal depression at any time....its real. Tiredness affects all new mothers and is part and parcel of having a new baby in the house.

Dont be so hard on yourself....surely your husband is aware how much time a baby takes out of a parents life and he must understand you would get very tired. While the arguments are not nice, your husband should understand where you are coming from....I really dont think you need to worry if it is going to affect your baby adversely....you are not abusing the child are you? You are recognising the need to stop arguing arent you? Just try to rest as much as you can and get the sleep you need. Maybe your husband could help out a bit more to enable you to get your rest.

When the child gets older things will improve naturally, so please dont feel guilty on top of all the other emotions you would be feeling....just know its natural when a new baby comes into a relationship.

Take care, be kind to yourself.

Answer 3

Children learn what they live.
That is the most true statement I can think of.

You should really work on your conflict resolution skills.
Your anger behavior was learned or tolerated when you were younger much as your child will learn how you handle things.
It is not a function of removing your disagreement from their view. It is a need for YOU to learn how to deal with your own emotions and anger and showing them how its done. You must learn how to deal with conflict and teach them.

It seems you are using fatigue as an excuse for poor behavior here. If you are fatigued then you must recognize it and learn to be quiet. Unless the house is burning down there is no need to deal with confrontation NOW.

Do not be surprised when the child uses profanity if you do. It is really not fair to use any language which a child is told they cannot. They will not understand the difference between adult appropriate and child language.
Another good notice I saw posted where kids play was this,
" The LACK of profanity offends no one". Also very true.
I think you will find that eliminating as much profanity from your vocabulary as possible will allow you to be far more effective in dealing with the world. Profanity in inappropriate settings often makes you appear uneducated and unsophisticated. Why teach that to your kid?

The kid is less than 1 year old. It will take some time for you to learn the lessons. You will still have many years to teach.

Answer 4

Dear madam,
I know the situation and i think it will harmful of your children.
1.There is lot of cases when the mother and father is having a argue and in the end turn to a fight. When it end, either mother or father will be impatient for a baby crying out loud. They try stop the baby crying but the temper drive themselves crazy. They chocked the baby with anything possible. When the baby stop crying they finally realized the baby is dead. Sound scare? If you not gonna control yourself, maybe one day you be doing this.
2. Even just 11-month-old, they already start learning everything they saw in life. Even you argue, fight or yelling. If the case going seriously, the baby might having a negative memories when grow-up.
So try fixing your temper now. For the sake of the baby.

Answer 5

Unfortunately the damage is done already but you can fix it. Don't let your daughter see this happening - rather walk away when you see your fuse is getting really short. If you don't your daughter will start dreading the two of you being in the same room as she will associate it with temper tantrums. I really hope you can work this one out soon - it's not fair to her. On the other side I can empathise the lack of sleep there. If you are not working try and have a nap with her when she goes down in the afternoon - you will be surprised how that nap can help

Answer 6

Of course the baby is going to pick up the bad words, this is when they are learning to talk!!! Everyone get sinto fights, just try not to argue ion front of the little one. What is more important making your point to your husband or scarring your child for life? If you stop now the baby will not remember, but if you carry it on much longer it will affect the baby in the long run.

Answer 7

I can't believe I came across this question, as I was just asking myself the same thing today!! Things haven't been the same between my partner and I ever since our daughter was born and for many reasons, we fight alot now too - so much so that he's had to move out! He comes over alot to visit her and we hope one day to get back together, but for now, we have to limit the amount of contact we have in order not to yell in front of her. I feel SO guilty, especially when he does or says something to really upset me, then leaves me in this foul mood while he goes off to work. My poor daughter - if she has a bad day and cries or whinges alot, I'm so frazzled that I end up yelling at her!! Now THIS is where the problem really lies - it's one thing to yell and be angry in front of her, but it's another when you yell AT her. If you haven't already started, it tends to be the natural progression of things. As far as how much damage it does, everyone has an opinion. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this - not that I'm excusing the behaviour, but know that you're not alone, there are MILLIONS of other women that do the same thing or are in the same predicament. It sounds lame, but try reading some anger management books or behavioural therapy - at the very least, they should teach you some techniques regarding control. If you're seriously concerned though, get family counselling immediately. Take care.

Answer 8

... no, you haven't yet, but you will. She/he is still very young and will most likely forget if you two change what you are doing. I think it's okay for children to see some arguments, that way they don't develop an unrealistic view of marriage, i.e., my parents never fought, we're fighting, we must be screwed up. However, she/he doesn't need to see out-of-control adults screaming at each other, using words that they don't want their child repeating.

It's good that you realize that you are most at fault (and rare). It's also good that you realize why. One suggestion I would have for you and your husband is to hold off on important discussions for when you are both well rested - not in the evening, as you are most likely doing now. I would also suggest that you two see a marriage therapist for better, and more specific, strategies for handling issues in your marriage. Many can be settled with no argument at all.

The one thing you do want to provide for your baby is an environment where she/he feels safe and feels she can trust you two to take care of her/him. A giant in psychology is a man by the name of Eric Erickson. He developed a life cycle based on social interaction (as opposed to Freud's based on sex). The first stage we develop, according to Erickson, is Trust vs. Distrust. make sure your child feels that his caretakers (you and your husband) can be trusted to provide protection and care. Remember, you're molding a person there.

Answer 9

Please stop now. Common sense has already told you in your question that it is so wrong.
Not only are you guys affecting this little darlings personality and life but you are destroying your marriage.
This is so wrong.
The child needs lots of love and play showered on them.
My daughter-in-law enjoys her children so much and my son and her play with them all the time. They are sweet, loving,adorable children ages 18mo., 3yr. and 9yr..
Theirs is the kind of home I would pray for you & yours.

Some damage has been done in your household but your reaching out and claiming ownership to it is a good sign that you want to change and you can. Your energy will go so much futher when it is fueled with love and gentleness.Your child will grow up feeling more secure when Mommie and Daddy are displaying love.~~~Jill

Answer 10

Do you really want your child's first word to be a swear word? We underestimate how much we need sleep. You're a good mother if you can see you're harming your baby. I hope it works out soon. You might not be perfect yet, but you're thinking about it, which in parenting is half the battle! Good luck.

Answer 11

You will do harm if you continue being like that. But you are already good that at least you realize it now and try to be better. Doing good is never too late. Start being patience now and talk to your husband what is in your mind about this. Ask for his help withou blaming him that he was reciprocating.

I heard that actually baby is a baby, not a child if he/she is still under 5 years old. It means, everything around her will not effect her much to create her personality. I dunno if it is wrong, ask psycologist for sure. Good luck, Mother!