advice please: i feel socially inept?

Question

i have used drink and drugs as a social crutch since i was 9 years old and have only just realised the full extent of my problems. whenever i am sober and in a social situation i just want to disappear - i feel like i can't express myself properly. i don't want to be a recluse.

i know that i've just got to get out there and mingle with people so that i can finally learn the social skills that i've been lacking but i'm finding it hard to keep a smile on my face.

Answer 1

When I was a young girl, I would blush like mad if anyone even looked at me, I remember reading a book about shyness, basically it said, that shyness is a form of selfishness, you are more concerned about what others are thinking about YOU. If you make the effort to see that others are pretty much like yourself, insecure, self concious, etc., And you go out of your way to make them feel ok, you actually find that you forget about yourself, and your shyness, become a good conversationalist, top tip, ASK questions, SHOW your interest, do not rabbit on all about yourself, it can be boring accept to those who REALLY want to know. And always tell the truth, people can smell B*** S*** a mile away.
Be yourself, you are probably more interesting and attractive then you realise. Find something that really interests you, join a group of others who find it interesting to, find like minded people, one friend leads to another, try it, good luck!

Answer 2

Never quit learning, and never forget that even if you don't realise it, loads of other people feel the same way. A lot of people use social drugs, or boasting, or joking or whatever to make themselves feel more comfortable when they're around other people.
If you can get a referral from your gp try cognitive behaviour therapy, its very practical and aims to help you design a solution to your problem. It gives you some control over the process so you feel its achievable.
Keep coming on sites like this, its much easier to talk to people you can't see! Plus you get a chance to think about what you want to say. Your Q was articulate and you don't come across as someones who's out to blame others for your problem or moan about it, I reckon that if you get the right support you're going to fix it. You're looking for solutions not focusing on the problem!
Try getting a Yahoo 360 blog, pick an interest and search for other people and groups that share the interest.
Keep up with it, anxiety and social phobias are really common now, loads of people go through it and understand what its like. And you don't need to smile all the time either! Good luck.

Answer 3

I am struggling with the same issues except I have not relied on alcohol or drugs. I think a good way to go (in my case I haven't found any help although I have looked for it all over) is to read a few good self-help books wether you find help out there (psycotherapie, etc.) or not. I don't know, I've been taking a look and have come across a few titles I will try to get:

"How to Be a People Person" and "Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends", both by Marianna Csoti. "Learning to Love Yourself" by Gay Hendricks seems like a good start as well.

Bottom is, I defenetly recommend reading. I you find the right stuff, it will help.

Answer 4

Yeah - social situations are the number one cause of anxiety for people (and anxiety can give way to irritability). You're SO not alone and it's not only because you used drugs and alcohol for so many years - though that's probably contributing because those things protected you in a sense from having to confront these situations and learn to cope and later enjoy them. Push yourself, but don't overdo it. Give yourself a break and give yourself time. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you've just overcome a serious obstacle in your life. Congratulations!! One small suggestion would be to focus on situations with smaller groups or people you know and enjoy and later work up to the larger groups. Everyone's different in what makes them feel uncomfortable, though, so the general rule is to start with seemingly easier situations and working up. That way you won't get overwhelmed, and run screaming into a recluse lifestyle! Best of luck!!

Answer 5

Hi there - I'm glad you have decided to put your difficulties behind you and make a fresh start. I think it helps, in a social situation, to remember that everyone loves a good listener. Just ask a question such as 'Have you planned any trips this year?' and then respond to the answers to show you're interested e.g.'Great, have you been there before?' etc. You'll soon feel more relaxed, and be in demand - and you don't have to smile - not at first anyway! I wish you the very best of luck.

Answer 6

You may need some therapy counseling. However, you need to know yourself, without drink and drugs, and like yourself , which is the KEY, before expecting great progress in social situations with others. Have you spent enough time with yourself, without the aid of crutches? Learn what interests YOU. Then you will have no problem learning what interests others, and sharing yours.

Answer 7

Keep on trying and be you.
Social Skills are exactly that; Skills are learned, and maybe something like watching someone who is skilled socially is a way to go. Do not necessarily model yourself on that person, but see if there is a method to his or her social skills.
If you have the Will to learn, then you can and WILL learn how to get there.

Answer 8

Alcohol and drugs never helping for problems, this make everything worse. So what you need some therapies. You need to express yourself, like your feelings and thought. You need to speak out. Therapie helps because there is some people like you, and you having chance to talk and people listen to you.
In our life is always ups and downs but you need to learn how to handle that. I wish you good luck and don't be so sad, just smile....

Answer 9

You need counselling. make an appointment with your Doctor and they arrange it from there.

If you don't get some sort of help now things will only get worse. recognising you have a problem is the first step on the ladder, have the courage to take the next step. There are so many organisations out there that can help, please seek advice.

Good luck

Answer 10

You need some help with this. Full marks for recognising your problem. Now take the next step and get some help. Ask your Dr about it and good luck!