can i get some feedback on a poem?

Question

feedback please, constructive critisism welcome. this was kind of to retaliate from something this guy wrote about me.


Slaughter

To the slaughter, I walked myself willing,
Not for a part of a ritual killing.
I led myself there using seduction,
On my path to self-destruction.

I disappeared behind that bedroom door,
But I come out alive, and the same as before.
I went in, but didn’t even get my fill,
But I’ll be back, and by my own free will.

It’s happened in the past, it will happen in the future,
Please don’t think my heart will need some kind of suture.
I know he doesn’t want me, intoxication let me there,
But don’t let thoughts burden you; it’s none of your affair.

Don’t go thinking it’s such a shame,
I’m the one who chooses to plays the game,
I’m not even what you think I am,
Cause I’m not like a lamb.

In fact I'm not what you perceive me to be,
I’m not really the lamb you see.

how about that alternate ending?

Answer 1

I liked everything except the last line. You're poem flows nicely and then just ends aburptly, out of sync with the rhyme scheme. You open saying you're going to the slaughter then in the end say you're not a lamb. I think maybe you could end it,

It's not anything you could ever fathom
I, myself, hold my heart for ransom.

or...

End it with

I'm not just your ordinary lamb

and also earlier in the line: Intoxication let me there... you need to change that to LED..

Good poem.

** Revise**

In fact I'm not what you perceive me to be,
I’m not really the lamb you see.

Instead of that, what about

Not exactly what you percieve me to be
In fact, I'm not even the lamb you see

or
You can classify me with one lump sum
But in fact, my journey has just begun

or

You can banish my soul to pergatory
but in fact, this lamb, is finally free

or last but not least
try to label me, if you can
but do not use the title "Sacrificial Lamb"

Answer 2

To the slaughter I walked willing, (skip "myself".)
Not for role of ritual killing.
I lay me there to use seduction
On my path to self-destruction.

Vanished! I, 'hind bedroom door
But emerged alive, the same as before.
Went in, but did not get my fill,
But I'll be back, on my free will.

What's in the past, so in the future,
Think not my heart has need of suture.
He wants me not, mine impulse led me there,
Let no thought weigh, that's not your affair.


["....intoxication led me there", not "let" me there.]

"It is I who choose to play the game" would sound better.

Think it not to be a shame,
It is I who play the game,
"In fact I'm not as you think I am,
Because I'm really not a lamb." also might improve it.

"Cause I'm not like a lamb" doesn't have enough syllables, so it sounds abrupt.

Just suggestions. Nice idea, good basic thought. I think you just need to revise it for rhythm and to sound more melliflous as poetry.

Answer 3

Yeh it's very interesting and original