2 years ago I left my husband for a colleague, who was supposed to do the same and of course, he hasn't really left his wife. The relationship has deteriorated to the point of being a friends with benefits situation, which isn't viable for me in the long run despite the fact that I'm very much in love with him.
I have started going out on my own and am contemplating trying to meet new people and I'm debating keeping this to myself until I see where it goes, but I feel guilty.
I have to add that we avoid discussing what I do when he is not around and I think he doesn't really want to know.
What to do...?
Thanks
2007-03-19 00:09:42 · 20 answers · asked by clawlady 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To all of the people who responded with legitimate advice, I thank you.
For those who are judgemental, I sincerely hope you never encounter people like you.
For those who pity the husband I left, don't - he cheated on me for years with various people, including close friends and fathered a child a year before I left and never told me.
2007-03-19 22:06:11 · update #1
Well, since he already knows you followed through for the relationship, and he didn't...and he probably knows friends with bennies wasn't the relationship you had wanted....then I would say....he figures sooner or later you are going to realize he used you and dump him. So he's just along for the ride until then.
Before you go looking to drag another man into your life....have a good idea of what you want/need in a partner. Learn from the mistakes you've made. Make note of the unfaithful, decietful behaviors of your current partner and consciously avoid falling into the same relationship, different male. We all make mistakes. Best not to repeat them.
2007-03-19 00:26:19 · answer #1 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think anyone would settle for a friend with benifits if the other meaning you wanted something more. Its really hard to hold up a relationship like that.
I think maybe you should just do your own thing and date around and find someone else. He dosent seem to me like the man you really want. I know you said you love him. But do you want a man that cheats on his wife? He could just do the same thing to you. I dont know the whole story or what answer your really looking for but I do know and beliving whats best for yourself would get you pretty far.
Lets just say you had a daughter who was going through the same situation! Would you tell her to stop waisting her time on this man? Or would you tell her to hang in there?
I hope maybe this helped you some!
Best of luck to you!
2007-03-19 08:55:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Break up this relationship....many reasons to do it:
1- He has not been honest with you.
2- His wife does not deserve to be hurt.
3- You committed an immoral act by leaving your husband for someone else.
4- You and him are not frank with each other and not honest in your relation.
5- He is using you.
6- You are not satisfied in the relation.
2007-03-19 07:16:05 · answer #3 · answered by Cheers For All 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to get out on your own. He hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain, so there is nothing committed about your relationship. He is still committed to someone else and you are still waiting. Learn from this experience and this mistake and move forward with your life. You have nothing to wait for anymore. I don't think any good can come out of the relationship you 2 have now. It is based on lies and broken promises. Start a new life for your self and tell him to stay at home with his wife. Good luck. Move on!
2007-03-19 07:29:05 · answer #4 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry you are hurting.
I would go no contact, his actions show that he is just very comfortable with this situation, therefore it can go like this for a very long time.
I have a friend in a similar situation, she divorced her husband to be with the man she loved, but this man never left his wife. She has been in this situation for FIVE years, she cries and he is just receiving attention from two women.
You deserve much better than this!
2007-03-19 07:21:33 · answer #5 · answered by Flyinghorse 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
2 yrs!...Wow sounds like he has a habit. I would like to say you waited this long you do know your answer. it is obvious that he help0ed you get out of a bad marriage. And for that you should b grate full, but at the same time. you can't leave your self in this situation kids are going to get older and Pandora's box will be open if you truly love him and not just want to posses him then end it. the end result even at a mutual consent will only end as society has always has it. it"s her fault the B----. do not allow yourself to become another victim.
2007-03-19 07:40:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in a similar situation.....I know he loves me, and I love him, but the longer it is going on the more I am starting to think that maybe he will never leave his wife. I mean, there is also a strong possibility that he will....he is miserable in the marriage and says he WILL leave...just cant give me some specifics....I believe what he is telling me is true, and on the surface, I guess a lot of people would snigger....but I know his situation and he is a decent guy....its a long story. I feel like you.....I love him, but am not sure where my future lies. I have decided that i will see him on my terms now....he is married and Im not and I am free to see anyone I want to, and he cannot say anything differently because he is not free.
I dont want to spend the next 10 years waiting for him to make his move and I have to be realistic...he may never leave his wife....so how old am I going to be before I say enough is enough. There is a strong possibility he will leave his wife, but there is that chance that he wont, and if I meet someone who I can love and who makes me happy, then I am going to jump at the chance, because if I can love someone else as deeply as I love him, then obviously it wasnt meant to be. Maybe I will meet someone who I can love, or maybe I wont...maybe he will leave his wife, maybe he wont.
I dont feel guilty about having these thoughts and if the opportunity arose I most certainly would date other people....there is one guy at the moment who I am planning to meet....I have no expectations of anything, but you just never know where it may lead.
The bottom line is, I cant wait forever....this is my life too and I cant just think about him.....He has to find the strength to leave, but I cant hang around waiting because it may never happen.
You shouldnt feel guilty by wanting to see other men...hes married and you are free....he should not even expect you to remain loyal to him under these circumstances.....Yes, you love him....I love my man too....but there is no guarantee we will ever be together, so I am not prepared to waste any more of my life being loyal to a man who hasnt got the guts to take me for his own exclusively....His marriage is shot to pieces, his wife is a horrible manipulative controlling biatch...he knows exactly what she is like....she knows he doesnt love her, but she has threatened to kill herself if he leaves.....while I understand his predicament and I understand him, it still doesnt help me....I need some stability in my life too, therefore if I meet someone else who I can feel just as strongly about, then so be it......he is the one who has lost out and I am sure he will have regrets for the rest of his life....but this is my life too and I cant hang around forever.
2007-03-19 08:30:04 · answer #7 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is already in a (supposably) committed relationship with his wife so technically, no matter what is going on between the two of you, you are still a single woman and can do whatever (or whomever) you like.
If he wont choose between you and his wife then he has no right to ask you to choose between him and some other bloke.
2007-03-19 07:17:34 · answer #8 · answered by aims48 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You feel guilty about dating other men while seeing a married man?...did your asss feel guilty about what you did to your husband? (cheating and left him) You get no sympathy here lady. You got played and are still being played. That scum bucket cheater is not going to leave his wife, and don't think for a minute that he isn't dipping his willy with others besides You and his wife. Aint life grand?
2007-03-19 07:58:22 · answer #9 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
While I may not agree or disagree with your past decisions they are your decisions and you must make peace with them.
However I don't understand why you would feel guilty? He is still sleeping with his wife. Good LORD woman he has the best of all worlds...
But just think on this..
He has lied to you
Cheated on you
Disrepected you
MOVE ON!!! and try to remember for future realationships
Sex isn't everything?
Karma is a *****!
2007-03-19 07:17:50 · answer #10 · answered by dumpllin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋