How do you get over your husband cheating?

Question

At the beginning of August of 2006 I just had a baby. He end up in the hospital in September of 2006 he had to be hospitalized. Come to find out he has a heart condition. I stay in the hospital for a week with our newborn. During this time that I was in the hospital with our son my husband was talking sexually and almost cybering with a woman he knew back in high school. I found out about this in October of 2006. When I found out all of this my world just came crashing down. Since then I have forgiven him and he has promised to not do anything like it again. He hasn't either because I check all his stuff now. All he and I do is argue and it always ends up being about that. I feel that I can't trust him anymore. I overreact to things because I am so worried that he is going to do it again. How do I get over this so that he and I can be happy again like I thought we were so long ago?

Answer 1

only YOU can do that...nobody else can help you because everything depends on your decision alone...if you are willing to forgive & forget..or to accept or just simply forget the past and start all over again. i know its hard because it happened to me....but if you still love him...just try your best...but it will really take some time and the process is never that easy...goodluck ;>

Answer 2

Things will never be the same I am sorry to say. The trust was broken and at a time where the both of you should have been closer. Here you are in the hospital with worry over your child and here he is having cyber sex. Trust is earned and he betrayed you. I don't think your overreacting but how long you want to play Culumbo and check all his stuff? I would tell him you think he might to this again and you would like to go to counseling. If he has a real interested in working on the marriage he will do what ever it takes. The counselor can help you get through this and you will have peace of mind.

Answer 3

You may never have complete trust in him again, but there is hope. If you say that you forgave him then let the past be the past. I know at times you may feel deeply betrayed by your husbands dishonoring actions, but remember that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. It's sad how everything seems okay in a marriage until something is done to where the trust is deleted and as a result one may become there own private investigator. The best thing to do is to stop checking through all of your husbands stuff because if your all ways looking for that one clue that reveals what your so bothered by, it will only send you into a deep pool of pain and sorrow. Somewhere down the line your trust may slowly come back into your marriage, but for the time being don't worry so much about what tomorrow may bring. You have to live for today and take it one step at time. Start doing things that make you feel confident about yourself. Allow all of your insecurities to blossom into a secure solid state of mind. Then you and your husband can be happy once again. Happiness has to come from within your own state of mind.

Answer 4

Congratulations on your baby---hope all is well with the new addition to your life. Sorry about the other problem---I know this is tough at this time--so keep the baby out of it....never put the baby in the middle---NEVER.
Now the other baby is a big problem--he has cheated---as has millions of others of men and women. This forgiving is extremely tough---it is always on your mind and you will always be suspect of it. Hence you harbor anger and resentment--so you really did not forgive---you are just torturing him in a subconscious way. You know there is no reason to stay--the love is gone--he probably has a disease that he can give to you-----the trust, honor and respect is gone,...never to return. He is still talking to this woman--you just don't know it yet. So why stay??? What is there to love?? Are you so low that you feel you need to stay??? If that is the case, he has won and he is laughing at you !! And so is she--who ever that is !! I know, the baby--well so what?? Make support arrangements--plenty of single moms are working. Have some guts and get rid of him. You'll only keep up the hostility --it will NEVER go away. It just isn't worth it.

Answer 5

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry this has happened, especially while you were dealing with a sick infant.

Good question. I'm still dealing with my husband's affair and it has been almost 7 years. I don't know if you really do get over it. It is kind of like being a business partner of someone who stole from the business. I can relate to the checking up, lack of trust and overreacting. Don't worry, it's normal. I finally got to the point that I didn't want to waste my time checking up on him and I didn't like the way I was behaving.

Don't pressure yourself into forgiving and trusting too soon. It takes time, after all, you are trying to trust someone who behaved in a way that was untrustworthy.

Have you had an honest conversation with him about what you want/need from each other in order to be happy?

Answer 6

First, you have to think like a man. He loves you and your child and he does the things he is supposed to do in order to maintain the family unit. His attitude towards the whole thing is probably that since there was no physical relationship then he doesn't understand why you feel threatened. He views it as self-gratification, entertainment, like watching a movie. You feel an emotional transgression and you feel threatened.

It's more than "getting over it." It is a basic response we as women will have to learn. Men will always have access to other women. They did before and they really do now. However, there are men who chose to value their families, and men who do not. You want a guarantee that your man does value your family and fidelity is your measurement of that.

Punishing, berating, and arguing with the mean are not the tools you should be using if you want to ensure a permanent relationship.

Both of you will encounter other people throughout the endurance of your relationship. Somewhere along the line, somebody is going to be attracted to somebody. Flirtations happen. It bolsters the ego and gives us a sense that we are chosing to be in the relationship. And that is the heart of the matter. You want an assurance that he will always choose to be in your relationship.

What makes a man choose not to break faith in his marriage?

You.

You who stand beside him through thick and thin, who knows him intimately and still think he's quite the man. Your admiration of his stregnths. Your faithful contribution to the well being of your family. And the strong ties of intimacy you and he will build.

He likes the computer? Leave him little sexy e-mails. We IM from different rooms in the house. (2 computers.) Communication can become much more intimate when you are not face to face. Play happens. Know when your opportunities for intimacy fall in your busy schedules, and indulge that time.

Quit checking on the man, acting like he's incapable of making a determination for himself. Do the things technology allows for. IM, text, e-mail, knowing you're the one he really wants to hear from, and that in the end, it will be you and he who sleep in the same bed.

Establish separate sites on the computer and stay off his stuff. Give him the opportunity to respond to you when he gets on, ie...leave an e-mail..... Establish that link with him that other women would love to exploit. Be your own competition. Be his cyber-fantasy. Let him be yours.

Eventually, share the computer. We like lingerie sites, I put stuff in the cart and he checks it out. Sometimes we buy something. (Limited funds.) But way fun.

We like the sex-education sites and Kama Sutra. Yeah, we already know most of this stuff but it is tantalizing reading objectively about how to create passion.

Technology is here to stay. Opportunity is a very old creature. Be his wife, his lover, his cyber-fantasy. And lay off the nagging, don't bring the subject up again. Ignore any mention he makes of it. Let it go and concentrate now on getting back "happy again like I thought we were so long ago."

Answer 7

You chose to fogive him, did you just say it or did you truly mean it?? You are torturing yourself and making yourself miserable. Maybe you should have had time apart to rethink your feelings for him after this happened. You are the only one that can make you feel happy. Men do stupid stuff, because they think with the wrong head. You know he loves you, but he's not perfect and you know you didn't marry the perfect man. That's not an excuse, but let him make it up to you. Give him a chance if you truly forgive him. If you can't and you are so miserable that you can't stand it. Let him go, why make yourself that miserable. Your baby needs you to be in good shape physically as well as mentally so you can tend to his needs. Being that stressed out is going to take it's toll on you and you don't need that. You will never forget what he did, but if you forgive him, mean it and don't just say it, otherwise your the one suffering in the end.

Answer 8

You should not have had to deal with your baby's medical condition alone. You spent your time in dedication to your baby, and were rudely awakened to find his dedication was not you or the helpless infant. He was dedicated to gratification as though a family didn't exist!
This man's actions were of his own volition, a volition that couldn't be entrusted with a despondent mother and a sick infant. This doesn't paint a picture of happiness.
If you want to be happy, the one who hurt you needs to rebuild everything he took from you. He did the damage, now he is the one who must do the repairs. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. No one can be married all alone. If he won't give you the comfort needed to heal the relationship..,
you can be a loving single parent alone, and build a life without that kind of pain.

Answer 9

If you ever watch Dr. Phil, he does make a good point about this. Its not your job to get over it,( you want to put this behind you so you can have a happier life) but the main thing is for your husband to show an interest to make you feel better about the trust issue. He needs to be like an open book about everything so you don't have to do this shuffle through his papers and can trust him again. He needs to make you feel that he was wrong and that he is willing to pay a little penance for this and not argue about it with you. As Dr. Phil says, He drove this relationship into the ditch, he needs to help fix it by steering it out and not think you should just get over it. He needs to be open and honest about everything that way you will trust him again. Remember its not you getting over it , Its him making you feel that it will never happen again by building the trust back. Good luck.

Answer 10

Well, I just could not get over it, and I could NOT trust him again, and I looked at him differently. I began to see all the weak things in him that I had chosen to ignore, but after finding out about his cheating and spending our hard earned savings I just divorced him. It hurt, we had been married 30 years, I was a good wife, slim, good looking and a great cook. Thirty years is a long time and a lot of investment. Anyway, time heals and I got over it and I'm leading an unbelievable life now, I never imagined life could be so good.
But to answer your question, I just could NOT get over his cheating and I distrusted him, I did not want to live feeling like that, so I divorced him which took 3 years and was costly.

Answer 11

It's a hard up-hill struggle to regain trust in a person. What is more important is that your realize you cannot monitor his life completely. If he wants to cheat, he will. Just stop arguing about it, try to protect your interests if you can, give him a chance to be faithful and make sure that you have abolute solid proof if he cheats again. If you suspect he might be cheating, have a detective nail the proof that he is. Then take that proof, get out of the relationship and know that you gave it another chance but he failed to be true. You can move on then with your life.