I love the guy,he treats me like a queen and is great with kids I'm just not sure if I willing to spend the rest of my life dealing with everything that comes with being married to a child abuse survivor.He only just told me about the abuse last week after proposing and 3 years of dating.
2007-03-18 21:46:46 · 24 answers · asked by Macy 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Sure he can. Theoretically and psychologically he could.
You have to remember that a former child abuse victim is most likely become the person who were treating him badly before.
The way you treat people is most likely the way you were treated before. The way you raise your children is most likely the way you were raised before. It's like a domino effect. So you gotta warn him to seek psychological help to ensure both of you that your children won't be abused unconsciously by him at the end.
Because, really, all former child abuse victims, emotionally and unconsciously, do have and possess the same traits like those who are abused them in their childhood. The pain and trauma remain in their soul, haunt them like a ghost and they really have the tendency to abuse their children the same way they were abused before. So, you have to tell him to seek some help to eliminate and deal with all the hidden 'demons' inside him - before having children. Or else your children surely could be abused by him the same way he was abused before and your children could abuse their children and so on. He treats you like a queen and is great with kids by now. But you never know after you have children he might turn into your worst enemy. Because there are always huge tendencies to abuse his own children in the same way he was abused before. The real domino effect.
I am not trying to scare you here. But try to be very aware and knowledgeable for this or else you are the one who suffer at the end.
2007-03-18 21:53:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Before accepting or rejecting this mans proposal examine your doubts about being able to handle his history. It is a part of him and he can not change it. So KNOW if you can or can not handle this as it will come up from time to time in your marriage.
Studies indicate that abuse is a learned behavior/response. That being said you and he need to make sure that he has learned to deal with his feeling in a positive way before you commit to marriage.
Since he has been exposed to both you and your children already for 3 years, and you have stayed in the relationship, it seems that he has a good chance of being a good husband/father.
Good luck to you when you do your soul searching about your own feelings towards this man. Be as honest and realistic as you can then go with your gut not your heart.
2007-03-18 22:00:58 · answer #2 · answered by Axel M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Are you for real?
"I'm just not sure if I willing to spend the rest of my life dealing with everything that comes with being married to a child abuse survivor"
Being married is dealing, it is not a fluffy cloud fairytale You both have your issues I'm sure, if you aren't ready to "deal" then you aren't ready to be married or have kids. Really think hard about that because I am super serious.
The real question is much more simple. Do you love him?
If you do then stand by your man and support him as he learns to heal this wound.
If you don't then don't get married. Simple
2007-03-18 22:02:14 · answer #3 · answered by zoloftzantac 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Macy, I was severely abused as a child and I made the decision to break the cycle. My daughter is now almost 27 and I have never hit her. I was very careful to not abuse her emotionally also. I wish this wonderful man who loves you and is great with kids finds himself a wonderful woman. The fact that you can even ask this question tells me that you do not love him as he loves you. Do the right thing let him go yes it will hurt him now but you don't love him if you could write this questions. Sorry I know this was not the answer you thought you would get -k-
2007-03-25 16:02:36 · answer #4 · answered by kbama 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I admire is honesty. We all have been abused in some way, if not keep living. We must get pass it and he did. God bless him to choose u for his wife and children. I wonder what happen to your children's dad. What does it mean if u have love than to never have loved at all. You are going to have your up and down but true love will conquer all. Also, your loving him makes him honest. Take a marriage counselor class too before you get marry--some churches offer them for couples and will not marry unless you go thru the training course. It will bring more things you may need to know about each other. I thing i learned in life you really never know a person. It can be exciting get to know more each day. Congradulation--3yrs! Peace and Serenity.
2007-03-18 21:58:00 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you saw no signs of his traumatic life in three years, then I don't understand your concern. He quite obviously has taken in stride and made the decision to not visit the sins of the father on the children. Some people are capable of doing that.
I was in the same boat as he and I married. My daughter reports that her friends wish they had a father like she does.
Its OK to love a nice guy!
.
2007-03-26 14:36:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you're implying is that personal development, emotional intelligence and mental health are dependent on having a *happy* childhood.
By your logic, all survivors of 9/11 should not be allowed to get married because they are somehow *damaged goods*.
Self-discovery is determined by having the courage to not be afraid of intimacy, not necessarily always permanently stifled by being subject to trauma as a defenceless child.
Oprah Winfrey is a child abuse survivor and she is the most productive, self-aware, confident and compassionate person.
It's not what you experience that weakens you, but how you PERCEIVE that event or experience in helping you grow as the person you WISH to be.
2007-03-18 21:53:48 · answer #7 · answered by Ashley 1 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Yes everyone has their troubles. You may worry that he may repeat what he had to suffer as a child. However I believe he will know the results of abuse and refrain from it. If you are able to talk to each other about everything then you should be fine.
2007-03-18 21:59:21 · answer #8 · answered by Dr Sherior 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Do you know if He has dealt with it? Is he in counseling? I think he could be a good husband if he has learned to deal with it. Are you willing to inter into counseling with him? Have you seen some sign of problems? Are you afraid that the abuse will continue with your children as the victims and he as the abuser? If you love him I think the two of you should consider pre-marriage counseling.
2007-03-18 22:25:31 · answer #9 · answered by Pamela V 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
well maybe he just told you cause he was not sure how you would react to it then and maybe he told when he proposed that you would know before he tied the knot with you but you have to see life from his eyes and point of view do you think that he wanted to be abused maybe him being abused made him stronger and now he knows how that life is and he does not want to be that way...once a person experiences something in life that harsh they know that they don't want to be that way...
2007-03-18 21:52:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋