Would you marry a guy who was physically abused as a child?

Question

I love the guy,he treats me like a queen and is great with kids I'm just not sure if I willing to spend the rest of my life dealing with everything that comes with being married to a child abuse survivor.He only just told me about the abuse last week after proposing and 3 years of dating.

Answer 1

Why not. He isn't a criminal. He has every right to have a loving wife, a family to love and many children for the fact of the matter. But he may need understanding and patience and lots of love as he was deprived since young. You must make the effort to have a listening ear, talk to him and share your experience if you have any. It would greatly help him to overcome the nightmare of abuse. Remember, put lots of love in all that you do. Its magic..

Answer 2

3 years, great with kids and you? I think I would give it a chance, but make myself a promise that if he ever showed signs that he was an abuser himself I would leave post-haste. I have some misgivings about my answer because I also think that you should be able to either jump in 100% or not at all. The reason is that I would make the jump is this: a person has the ability of choosing to do the right thing as well as doing wrong. He knew what it was like to be abused, he seems to have made the decision that the way he was raised wasn't right.

Answer 3

Not every abused child grows up to be an abuser. Many go to the other extreme and become excellent parents loving and nurturing their children in the way they never were. If he has never received counseling to come to terms with his childhood, I strongly recommend that he do so. Ask if you can participate in a few of the sessions once he is comfortable in having you do so. Most importantly trust your gut. If you feel he is a good man and a good father figure, go with that. The minute you feel there may be a threat, go with that! If he loves you and is sincere in his motives, he will be open to a bit of therapy for his own healing and your peace of mind - be sure it begins before the marriage.

Answer 4

If he treats you so fine, then what is the problem? However having said that, he may need counsellings since it took him three years to tell you about it. What happened to him as a child was beneath his control and I feel bad for any child abuse. If he's good to you and loves kids, then, yes, you should stay with him. Just wondering why you asked this question, doesn't sound like you are not in love with this person or you would accept him for something that happened beyond his control..

Answer 5

Well... this is a really serious issue. Victims of abuse are always going to be victims of abuse. But I'm thinking that if you dated for three years and never knew about it, he can't have any kind of glaring emotional scars from it. Also, he understands that it is a potentially life long issue, and that's why he felt you had the right to know about it before you were married. It's sad that he was ashamed of it for so long, but your reaction right now is probably what he wanted to avoid.

I once fell in love with a man who was abused terribly throughout his childhood. I decided I could take that on for him. But after we got engaged, he suddenly started treating me like I was abusive, and telling me that I'd end up being just like his Dad. I'd never so much as raised my voice to him, and I adored him, but everything he saw was colored by his status as a victim. I was heartbroken. But I was also saved from wasting years of my life trying to help fix what I hadn't broken. My fiancé was never willing to own the fact that he'd been hurt, that it wasn't his fault, and that I wasn't involved in that.

If your fiancé is able to be honest, kind and loving, I see no reason to push him away because you are scared of what his abuse did to him. We all have hard spots from past hurts. None of us are perfect. But the people that truly love us are the ones who can accept us, warts and all.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I think that you should if this is a true relationship and your feelings are right. I believe that I was abused in my past and I a dealing with this now, after 27 years with the same girl (23 years marriage)

Answer 7

Now that your relationship has gotten to the point where he can finally trust you with his deepest pain, you have the choice to love him or reject him. It wasn't his fault that he was abused. But the 'toxic shame' that comes from child abuse is very difficult to disclose. What is amazing is that he was able to do it before you married. He's given you the choice ... before marrying him .. to decide whether you still want him. This man doesn't sound like he's controlled by his problem.

Answer 8

You didnt pick up on it before he told you? Then you most likely wont have to "deal" with it in the marriage. You have been together for three years after all. Talk to him about it. Does he forgive the person/people who hurt him? I hope so, esp if he's going to be around kids during this marriage/relationship. As long as he forgives (not always forget) and is stopping the cycle and loves and respects other people, then things should be fine.

Answer 9

Victims of abuse go two ways, they either follow in the footsteps or completely go the opposite way. It is wrong to stigmatize him and just assuming he will "abuse" because he has been abused. It's no wonder he was so hesitant on telling you. He loves you, you love him. If he does not seem to have any rage issues, things should go smoothly, however this is something to ask a professional.

Answer 10

First of all i want to remind you there is only one life to live. Secondly love conquers all. You both have to communicate and be willing to get past the past. Concentrate on your future. We cant spend life holding a grudge. Its not right what happened but its over now. Allow love to heal the wounds. I would also suggest you give him an altimatem. Touch me or my child and um gon.