How does a person find the balance between being a pushover and being pushy and controlling.?

Question

So many people have control issues. I figure that we need to have a good portion of control over our own life, but should not try to be controlling of others. I can see why married people struggle with this since their lives are connected. What the rest of us? Why do we have control issues.

I agree that living by the golden rule is the best bet. Even with that though, people do not even seem to realise when they are manipulating others, or being walked on. How then?

Answer 1

Neither is good. A pushover is afraid of risk, and is very insecure. Probably the stereotypical "nice guy" and thinks that by pleasing everyone else, they will accept him for all of his sacrifices and hard work. Someone that is controlling, is also insecure, but in a different way. He thinks that the world owes him, and has an over inflated sense of worth. The problem he has, is he doesn't empathize with others. There always comes a problem when people try to control things that they can't.

The ONLY things you can control are your own actions, behaviors, and emotions. To think you can change anything else is a delusion. On top of that to worry about things that have already happened or are about to happen is wasting your time on the uncontrollable as well. Too few people live in the present.

If you catch yourself thinking about something that you have no control over, stop, and say to yourself (out-loud if possible) "Wait, I am suffering about something I can't control." If you do this and CATCH yourself in the process, you will help yourself in the long run.

Answer 2

I have found through my own self discovery that I am severly co-dependant. I don't know if you have ever read about co-dependancy but many people struggle with this problem. My grandpa was an alchoholic and my dad..so not only did I develop traits of a co-dependant but I was raised by someone whow as also a co-dependant, my mom. Basically, I try to control everything around me and hate when I dont get my way. Simple things like the route someone takes when I drive with them can just burn me up. But I have learned to choose my battles and really have tried to work on caring about the feelings of others and not focusing on myself all of the time. When I learned to allow my husband to be who he was and not to try to control what he did..our marriage got strong. I always say, let the person who you are with do exactly what he/she wants..if you want to be a part of that then stay..if the things they do are not for you..then go. Its fair to tell someone what you need, but its not fair to force them into giving it to you. If they cant give you what you need, then they are not for you.
When it comes to the question of how not to be a pushover but not to be pushy and controlling..well I try to go by this philosophy. Always try do the right thing and never lie. If you do those things then when a time comes when you have been wronged, you have the right to stand up for yourself. If you never lie then you will never look like a jackass when you are caught. Plus the good karma you put out to the world will come back your way in the end.

Answer 3

Every person requires a certain degree of balance in their lives. A child that is beaten up at home by his parents, will have a lot of unresolved anger and aggresivity. Will he take it out by beating his parents? Most probably not. He will turn to someone who is equal, or even inferior to him, to get rid of these violent feelings, by - of course - beating the hell out of the other kid.

I used this example to illustrate how people can react so different, maybe even through opposite behaviors, to similar circumstances. Although it's easier in theory than in practice, it's important to work on assessing ourselves in order to be realistic about our behaviors and attitudes.

You're talking about being manipulative. Do you feel that you're being manipulative, or you're told that you're being manipulative? If you feel that you are, adjust your behavior and remember you can get what you want through other means, and maybe even compromise once in a while. If it's the second option that applies, get a second, and a third opinion. Usually other people's feedback refers to a certain extent to their own personality.

Are you being a pushover? Bad habits die hard. It will be difficult to exercise *not* being a pushover in a marriage for example, where you know the other person bit by bit, thus not allowing much room for personality changes. Try it with new people, practice on keeping an equilibrium between what you get and what you offer in return.

Answer 4

Get a good book on assertiveness training. You really need to stand up for yourself. I think the main reason some people can stand up for themselves is that they have a health self esteem. It's the people with low self esteem who are pushovers. So work on that if you have issues with being a pushover. Good luck.

Answer 5

I've found a good meter for determining how far to go. How would I feel in the same situation? It may not be the perfect solution, but it is the best I've been able to come up with!!

Answer 6

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