I feel so betrayed. Where do we go from here?

Question

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years before he proposed 2 months ago and I accepted. About a week ago he told me he was physically abused as a child and I feel so betrayed by the fact that he didn’t tell me sooner. We’re supposed to be getting married and he’s been keeping a secret like that from me for 3 years. I had every right to know and I just don’t know how I can trust him after this. Where do we go from here?

Answer 1

Be gtrateful that he trusts you enough to tell you at this point.
Many abuse survivors have misplace shame and blame themselves for what happened.
A good book for you to read is one by Alice Miller:
" For Your Own Good"
Good luck
PS: It's really about him, though.
Not you.

Answer 2

For once, I haven't read what has already been written. YOU ARE SO WRONG!!! At this point in time I think you should feel so honored that your fiance trusted you enough, even after all the years to tell you the truth. I think it was such a moving event for him, I'm sure he has never told anyone else and telling you was such as leap of love and trust and here you are on Yahoo answers bitching because he didn't tell you sooner. Hello, what is wrong with this picture. Will you break up with him because he was abused?? Why did you have a RIGHT to know???? You don't think you can trust him after he laid down his most hurtful secret to you?? I don't think you are good enough for him, I'm sorry he told you anything and I also think you are VERY selfish and immature to have this sort of response to his honesty. I certainly hope he doesn't marry you. I guess it is all about you!

Answer 3

You have to decide whether you love him. If you still do, then you need to realize that he DID tell you voluntarily before you were both married and that he should get some credit for having the courage to risk your relationship by doing so. Sexual or physical abuse as a child is not something people are proud of and normally do no risk just laying out on the table to just anyone. He probably wanted to tell you earlier but either was not prepared, was too scared, too ashamed, or just couldn't find the right moment. Have you been able to share every shameful or embarrassing moment that has occurred in your life? Why do you feel you have a "Right to Know"?

Answer 4

You guys have a lot of work to do before you get married I'd say. Maybe you need to both consider seeing a therapist and I am not trying to sound like an a-hole here. I think you may be a bit controlling (I am too) and it sounds like your fiance has some serious trauma to overcome (My husband went through the same thing) If you try to move on and ignore this..it will creep up during your marriage in places you'd least expect. People who have been abused tend to try to push the people they love very hard..to see if they love them still and will put up with them etc..They have been so unloved that they dont BELIEVE that anyone could love them and not betray them. Of course, you and evryone else knows that he didn't exactly betray you, but you both need to work on trust issues it seems. Stick by him if you really love him and get him some help. If he refuses then you had better be a strong pperson and prepared to love him and get over this. That is a big deal and I think he had every right to wait to tell you until he felt like things between you were solid. Give him a big hug and tell him that you will never ever betray him. : )

Answer 5

Honestly, I don't understand why you should feel betrayed by that... you should consider the fact that he proposed to you because he loved you and sometimes, It could really take time for someone to open things up. Yes, you have every right to know what has been going on with that person but i could say that since he is traumatized by that situation, only thing that he really needs from you now is your understanding.. You could probably be more or be upset if you guys are already married with kids all grown up right? think about it... :) and if you really love him, instead of being mad, accept him and embrace all his fears/worries away :)

Answer 6

Sweetie, you're not in the wrong in this situation - you are reacting to a situation.

It's difficult to receive news like this and my bet is that most of the people that have answered this question haven't been on the recieving end of this kind of news (my sincerest apologies if you have - my intentions are not to offend anyone just to offer some support)

I was recently in this situation myself.
He hasn't been keeping a secret from you - more than likely he is working up the courage to share this with someone. It is a difficult thing to work through and talking about it after you've tried to forget what has happened is very difficult.

If you think that you know every detail of the man that you are going to marry then think again. My parents have been together for 20 years and i'm sure that there are still anecdotes that haven't been shared and that's not because they're a secret but because the situation in which to share them hasn't yet arisen.

I can understand why you feel hurt. But understanding him and supporting him will ultimately strengthen your relationship.

Just for something to think about when is the right time in a relationship to share something like that. It's obviously not a story that comes out at parties. Should you share that on a first date? Obviously not. After one year? After two?
He's found what he thinks is the right time to tell you because he feels secure enough in the relationship to open himself up in this way.

I know my partner isn't a very open guy. And i know he only opened up to me because i pushed him to. And i immediately regretted it because i heard the pain and the hurt in his voice. I had made him re-experience something that he clearly wanted to forget.

Be proud that you have a relationship in which you can share these things without fear of judgement.

You can trust him - him opening up shows that he trusts you.

What you are feeling is valid - but try and look past it.
Men and Women do deal with things differents (its a bit of a cliche i know) - but in my experience for him to open up like that is a big deal.

Be proud that he feels comfortable enough to share his emotions with you and your relationship will grow.

BTW Congratulations on the engagement

Answer 7

You have got to be kidding me. He was abused as a child and didn't tell you and now you can't trust him. Imagine how he feels. I'm sorry but he is the victim here not you. Telling someone you were abused takes a lot of courage and trust. You should be glad he told you at all. Who cares if he didn't tell you on the first date. Does is really matter.

Answer 8

Please put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes for a minute. He opens his heart to you about being abused as a child - do you realise that most children blame themselves for their abuse - and your first thought is for yourself and your sense of betrayal.
What about your boyfriend? Did you show him any love and compassion or just demand to know why hadn't he told you sooner? He obviously only chose to tell you once you had committed to each other. You should feel privileged that he decided to share something like that with you - some people never tell.
Do you realise how selfish and self-centred you sound? You want to know where you go from here? Well, if I was your boyfriend you wouldn't see me for dust. You are way too immature for marriage.

Answer 9

He was afraid of how you would react and that is why he put off telling you. I think you answered your own question when you said we're supposed to be getting married and then asking how can you trust him? I wou suggest you go with him to a marriage counselor. I see there could be more than trusting him to tell you everything. Do you think he will abuse? I am sure that is why he put off telling you and from the looks of it you have reacted in the way he was afraid that you would.

Answer 10

How?
He was the victim!
You act like he was a conman who did hard time.....grow up. Have some compassion and realize how hard it is to share with others. He lives with that horror every single day and to think as a little boy he was victimized because he was vulnerable and an easy target. I am sure he carries guilt with him and the best you can do is cry "What about me??
You sound like a selfish B****.
Do him a favor and leave him because he deserves better, besides, he has already been a victim once!

Answer 11

Go back to the trusting relationship. That's where. I would understand your reaction. You have all the right to know. But also consider his pain and shame. The experience must have been too much to forget easily... too much to be healed and accepted quickly. He's scarred to the point of immense shame and fear that telling you threatens whatever joy, security and comfort he now has in your relationship. It is very apparent that his trauma of physical abuse has lowered his self-image and self-esteem. It's up to you to boost it up by accepting him despite that dark secret he has long kept from you. Again, keep in mind why he kept it that long --- because he wants to keep your love for him. In his mind, you loved him because of the good things you've so far found in him (since the time you knew each other). That love of yours and your good idea of him excludes his dark secret. It's a question for him if you would still love him if you knew his past.

Another important thing to keep in mind -- he told you despite his great fear because he knows you'd be spending life together. He loves you too much to keep it forever from you... and to spare you from the pain that still probably lurks somewhere in his heart and mind....

Your accepting him and trusting him again would make all the difference in the world to him. The question is, would you want to be an important instrument in his healing process? Is your love for him so deep rooted that you'd go the distance to prove it, even if it hurts to know just recently?