Does my poem stink? Suggestions on how to make it better?

Question

He told her to run


A thundering sound

from a deadly object

peirced through the chest of

the only one she loved

before he could fall

she caught him in her arms

slowly bringing him down with her

her knees taking a blow on the ground

in disbelief

cradling her love.

His sea blue eyes pierced through hers

searching for a way to relieve pain

and turn back time

She cradled him in her arms

like a mother cradling her first born child

She said "baby don't go. It's only a dream. Don't let go."

He said, "Baby it's time to go."

She leaned in and gave him a deep warm kiss and

he returned it.

He whispered in her ear as each breath

got colder

he said "Run. Run away and don't look back."

"I won't run until God has taken your hand to the other side."

"I'll wait for you. You're strong."

"I will seek justice."

"Shh. Run. I will....always be beside...you...run my...love"

Just then, his soft sea blue eyes turned cold and lifeless, staring into her eyes.

Emotions of love and revenge filled her, she couldn't control her tears.

She didn't want to leave him behind.

She closed his eyes with her trembling delicate hand.

She looked ahead but couldn't find the guy that took away her love.

Soon black rose petals began to fall gently around the two.

She sighed and placed her right hand under his upper back, and lifted him with all her might

She wasn't gonna leave him behind.

She carried him. She didn't run but she carried him back home.

As his last words echoed in her head, she began to walk faster, tears streaming harder down her face.

And this is what he told her, "Shh. Run. I will....always be beside...you...run my...love"

Answer 1

It's not that bad.
Suggestions:
#1. Make it in first person.... Instead of "she", use "I"
Actually try to eliminate as many of the pronouns as possible.
Also eliminate The "he said" and "she said' as much as possible. It should be obvious who is saying what without clarifying it.
#2. Shorten it up considerably... The way to do that is if you can eleminate any lines and it doesn't take from the meaning, that line should be taken out. Maybe take out revenge thing. It sounds like you are trying to convey how helpless you felt... don't take away from that by conveying the rage of revenge.
#3. At the end... Instead of explaining these are his last words, just say them... the same with "and this is what he told her:.
#4. Talk more in the present tense.... Like it's happening then and there.
You are welcome to send a rewrite and see what else I can suggest. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Hate to say this, but it isnt a poem. It's just prose broken up into uneven lines that resembles a poem. And it isnt very good prose at that. But you did post it and ask for help, so you get another chance. I would like to give you a writing exercise and I hope you will consider trying it.

You are writing about two people who love each other who are running from someone or something and he gets shot and dies and leaves her. Correct?

OK - well I want you to backpeddle for me. I want you to think back to the time when these two people met. The happiness of new love. Think about how they met and how they felt at that time. You can either write it in third person or in first person as the girl talking or as the boy.

Then I want you to write me a poem of 10 - 12 lines about their first love. OK? Have you ever been in love? Do you know how it feels to have those love bugs in your tummy or to not be able to breathe every time you see him walking toward you? THAT is what I want you to write for me.

Then I want you to read it to yourself OUT LOUD. Think about the flow and the rhythmn of the words. Then post it for a critique. I guarantee you that you can do this and that it will be 100 times better than what you just posted. Trust me. Give it a try.

And promise me you will never put yourself down again. Dont ask if your poem stinks -- have confidence in yourself. If you feel confident inside, it will show in your writing. If you think it stinks, it will. Got it? Now start writing me a masterpiece. C.

Answer 3

Your poem doesn't really sound like a poem, but more like a short story...
well still, it depends. did u write it for fun? for School? for an... arts and speech competition?
plus i don't really get the meaning of the poem. So she carried him home that's why he'll always be at her side?
the beginning was good and artistic, then the middle and the end sounded like a soap opera... lol
if this was for school, then i think you shouldn't use slangs like "gona". and his eyes "piercing" through hers. Piercing is not the best choice of word because 1. u already used it once and 2. it's too harsh for a love story. i don't really know what to change it to, but yeah....

Answer 4

Yo! your poem is creative but just lacks the "substance" in fact if were to show it others, they might think its a song. maybe u add a good tune you wold get a great song. your poem needs to have metorphors or maybe some hidden meaning behind it. dont say is a deadly object, maybe a shiny object. too many sentences. some lines long some lines short. but anyway it is quite touching.

Answer 5

ummmm......sorry but it does kinds stink. you really need to work on the flow. the idea behind it is really cool though. oh, and don't space it out so much. it makes it harder to read and you don't enjoy the poem as much. and if you are going to have her be saying that she will seek justice have her seek it in the poem.
peace

Answer 6

pink might have blonde hair, be left surpassed, and have brown eyes pink may be a woman. she might have an interest in watching video clips, swimming, procuring and her social existence she might act like a action picture celeb she might belong to a clique the place she is extremely like the chief and the clique hangs out in department stores procuring and stuff

Answer 7

ohk well mis titled it should be called i will never leave your side

Answer 8

why did ya add he told u to run? or else it tis good*.*