Parents, Teachers, Students....please help with a cheating issue??

Question

My 3rd grade step-daughter has a nightly reading assignment, one book read aloud for 15 minutes and signed off on. She stays with us 3 1/2 days a week, reads 3 books when she is here leaving 4 books/4 nights, at her mothers' home to complete. Today I was writing down the 2 she read this weekend on her reading log and noticed her mother has written 6 entries. Impossible, considering she's only allowed to read 1 book each night. So I asked my step-daughter if she had read some of these books, she said no, she had only read 3 out of the 6. I admit, I was a little steamed! I asked why her mother had done this, her (daughter) reply was that she had left the log at school (when it was also due to turn in and she got a missed assignment slip sent home Fri.).She also was told to lie to the teacher saying she had forgotten the log at home, instead of at school, which she told me she won't do. Her teacher and mother keep in contact, would it be a mistake informing the teacher?

Initial post did not leave me room to further explain...
I'm only asking if you all think it okay to tell teacher because I DON'T want to step on anyone's toes! Everytime I catch the cheating, my daughter, husband and I talk about it and she knows it's not right. She tells her mother and it doesn't happen for a week or two. Also, my husband is well informed. He and x do not get along, nor do her and I, because she has done this before, I have caught her in lies numerous times, but never to the effect of lying to save her 8 y.o. daughters' grade. Anytime she(x) is confronted it turns into a fued that I do not want my daughter to witness. This is why I asked for some opinions, I am stuck not knowing what to do! I just want the cheating/lying to cease so my daughter will be an honest, moral child and adult someday. The teacher frequents her mother's live-in's place of work and speak almost on a daily basis. I don't want to cause trouble, but I won't stand by to watch anymore.

Answer 1

The mother is not being a responsible parent.

It's great that you are, because in the future, when her ethics are questioned and she does something wrong, you can rest assured you did your best.

Unfortunately, she's not doing what it BEST for her daughter, she is doing what is EASIER for herself.

I always say, some people shouldn't have children.

It would NOT be a mistake informing the teacher, after all, you are doing what is BEST.

I do, however, think maybe you should talk to her father FIRST, and have him discuss it with her and his daughter, and if to no avail, inform the teacher.

Answer 2

I think you should keep your relationship with your stepdaughter exactly that. You need a civil relationship with the mom, and there is no sense tattling on her to the child's teacher.

As far as values training at your house, well, that is always a challenge when the kids live in two homes. Each parent thinks they know best, and think that the kid gets away with murder at the other parent's house. It is soooo sad.

I think your best bet is tell your husband and you decide together what will happen and how to handle anything similar in the future. While it is admirable that you want to do this yourself, and I'm sure you could handle it well without him, this is a tricky "stepmom" thing. Your husband on the other hand, is your link to all these other people and if you are meant to be in it, I would think it is more appropriate to be at his side. This isn't meant to sound like you need to stay out of it, pretty lady, and let the man handle it, or even that it isn't any of your business. I just think it would be smoother and more appropriate coming from her dad. So please don't misunderstand. I would give you the same advice, to let your spouse lead it, if you were the husband.

The reason I say this is that the marriage you have to this man that sets the tone for how the step-daughter is raised in your home together. By discussing and handling it with your husband, you role model unified adults taking control within your jurisdiction to do so, but not trying to insult the mom and her ways of handling...even if they are slimy.

And as far as the child goes? You and your husband set the rules at your house, and they set the rules at their house. It is a crappy shame that there is inconsistency...you can, however, count your blessings that this often is just like the real world where you have to do different things to please different people. Enough of this and she will also learn to make up her own mind about right and wrong. And she will probably be pretty good at it.

So you need to nurture her values of self-esteem, decision making, and honesty. At your house, always make this easier than being self-hateful, or dishonest, or wishy washy.

Answer 3

I'd talk to your husbands ex about this. She doesn't want her daughter to fail. Of course teaching her daughter to be
dishonest, is worse than failing. Let her know that her daughter should not be afraid to let her Mother write a note for the book she read and turn that in, and have the teacher
add it to the log. Both of you need to back your step daughter, so that she can become the best person she can.
Anger and bickering between the two of you will do nothing but cause harm. Shake hands, discuss, agree to disagree
if warranted, but please don't use the teacher as a middle man to thrust bad feelings.

Answer 4

Yes stay out of this, why do you want to hurt the little girl or her mother?...Maybe your issues are deeper than what's written here, do you have something against the ex wife?... Leave it up to your husband and stay out otherwise you might cause negative feelings from 3 people and the only person you'll win in this situation is the teacher.

This is in reply to your "additional information".. I still think you're doing this just 'cause you don't like the ex.. that's just wrong.. there are ways of teaching your step-daughter the right things in life without causing trouble. Learn your role as a step-parent and be careful when it comes to the relationship between the child and the biological parent.

Answer 5

Honor thy parents.
Thou shalt not lie.

Certainly a dilemma. However, More important than talking to the teacher is showing this young lady that you are very proud of her for not lying and telling her you will support that position for her at school or anytime in life.

Who cares what the teacher thinks? Or her bio-mom? The child is the important peice.

Answer 6

Leave the teacher out that will only get the kid in touble. Work it out with the mother. Talk to the teacher as a last resort if at all.

Answer 7

Not a mistake, though use passive dialogue. This will put curiosity into the teacher's mind and she will probably inquire to the mother. Don't get worked up about it, if you keep doing the right thing your daughter will notice and learn right.

Answer 8

i think you're making a bigger deal out of this then it really is. it was an accident and they only lied to stay out of trouble right? so why turn this into a big issue. just have a talk with your step daugher about the importance of responsibility. i dont think you should talk to her mother because i know she wont like it, sure you both can have a civilzed talk, but deep down i bet she will resent you. if anything, have your husband talk to her.

Answer 9

Either talk to her mother Directly, or talk to your Husband.

Talking to the teacher makes you seem Sly or as if You are only trying to make her mom look bad.

Answer 10

Yeah, you should talk to your husband. He's the one that should handle this. If he won't confront his x he should at least bring it to the teacher's attention.