14 yr old Daughter - Sneaky & Lies...What to do with her attitude & behavior?

Question

My daughter is 14 and thinks that nothing in our entire house is offlimits for her. She regularly goes through mine and my husbands personal items without our knowledge (we find out later) and takes anything that she finds she wants. Her most recent incident was her going through my lingerie and taking a new camisol with matching undies. I went to get them one night and found them missing, however the bag that they were in was still in my drawer. She told me she took these items so she could punish me for going somewhere without her! Of all things! She is a 14 yr old girl who has obviously forgotten who is in charge, (me & my husband). We are both at our wits end with this disrespectful child who thinks she is above our rules. Last weekend whie she was being punished for the prior stealing incident (above), she got mad and called 911 to compalin about her supposed horrible living conditions. Officer who responded told her to wake up and be thankful. How to wake up this brat??

Ok to all of you who think I did not raise my daughter right......look in the mirror! AND she does have other issues, has been labelled emotionally handicapped, is going to a non public school, seeing a professional psychiatrist, on medication, counselor, all that jazz. I being a concerned mother have done all that I humanly can. I could honeslty spend 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year with this child and it would not be enough. Her biological father could give a poop about her and makes it evidently clear by avoiding all contact with her. He even refuses to help care for her financially as he is over 9K behind in Child support.

She does not miss her brother, infact she at one time went after him and her younger brother with a butcher knife.

I have tried talking with her, as my husband has, her grandmother, and other non related adults.

She does not know cause & effect.

BTW my other two children are total opposites of this girl. Respectful & Good.

Answer 1

I'm not a mother, I'm only 18, but I hope this can give you some ideas.

If she has her own bedroom, take down her door. If she's not going to respect your privacy and your things, you don't have to respect hers.

Does she have a cell phone, computer, or any other luxury items? Take them from her and tell her she will get them back when she learns how to respect you.

Make her do more chores like help you make dinner, clean, etc.

Make her get a job. If you give her money, stop. Make her earn her money. Tell her she can offer to water plants, take dogs for walks, babysit. It's difficult for a 14-year-old to find a job.

Give her a very strict curfew. If she violates this curfew, make it earlier.

Think about the things she most likes and values. My parents always kept me in line because I knew if I didn't, they would take away my computer.

Tell her she can't get her drivers' license or permit unless she fixes up her act.

If she does something bad, make her do three good deads to fix it.

Don't just punish her all the time. You have to give her incentive to improve. Offer to give her money for good grades, allow her to have time with her friends if they come over to your house.

If you have the money, go to some place that sells out-of-style, used clothes. Only allow her to buy the bare essentials (no make-up, no jewelry, nothing extra).

I was listening to a radio show the other night and a 16-year-old girl came on. She was talking about how when she started high school, she got into a bad crowd. So her parents moved her to another school, made her change her clothes, got rid of the drugs, and grounded her for 1 1/2 years. She eventually got better and after those 1 1/2 years this girl called up asking how she could earn the respect and trust of her parents again.

To go along with above, are her friends part of the problem? If so, move her to a different school?

Also, this goes against what I said before, but if she does have a cell phone and you don't want to get rid of it, maybe get her one of those kid cell phones with programable numbers and doesn't have text messaging or any of that special stuff. Or (if you have the money) put a tracking thing in her phone and tell her she's not allowed to go out of a specific area (that way you'll also know if she's lying to you about where she's going).

I remember in middle school when an officer told me about a woman in the same position as you. Her kid went out at night, stayed out all night, caused problems, and totally disrespected her and her husband. In my state (Colorado) he told us that parents are only obligated to provide 5 things for their child:

1) Shelter
2) Clothes
3) Food
4) A bed (I think, I'm not positive - it was 6 years ago)
5) Medicine, if needed

So this woman put a matress on her covered front porch and set out a peanut and jelly sandwich. When her kid got home, all the doors were locked so s/he couldn't get in. The kid called the police. The police came and, first, wrote him/her a ticket because s/he was out past legal curfew. The cop said, that his/her parents had done nothing wrong. The front porch was covered (shelter), he had a bed (the matress), he had food (the sandwich), he had his own clothes and needed no medical assistance so the officer left and the kid was forced to stay there for the night.

I hope this has given you some ideas! And good luck with your daughter.

ETA, the most important part is to let your daughter know that you love her. Sit down, talk to her, have family time, punish her when you need to, but praise her and encourage her when she does something good. It's very important to recognize any good changes because she does want your approval. She also just may be crying out for help. So it's extra important that you have fun too.

Also, she may have a mental disorder - like being Bi-Polar. You could have her talk to a shrink, but it could damage your relationship since you want to get closer to her.

Answer 2

This issue could be going way beyond school, you should ask yourself when did this start? And most of all do you think YOU as the parent were really ever in charge?

I come from a family of disiplined children, I admit me and my sister were never the most behaved but when he saw a belt or threat (loss of priviledge) be taken away we'd know when to quit. Don't let your daughter notifing authorities scare you.

If possible if she ever tries it again or decides to notify someone else who may be close to her or believe to be her 'ticket out' (she's your daughter you SHOULD know her) notify them ahead of time if possible of her possible 'plans' or calls of 'distress'.

Talking with her would be must as well. Talk to HER not THROUGH her. (this is where mistakes are so often made, just remember not to involve the whole world in on her problems) talk to her personally yourself one on one not having anyone else present at first, if you think that a family pycheitrist is needed then tell her ahead of time about that even if she protests

(this will help her learn to trust you more, then the doctor might be able to diagnose any problems that you may have not noticed present in your daughter) I'm not saying she may have any thing wrong, it could merely be that she feels neglected.

P.S If YOU the daughter is reading this, i'm not some 40 year old know it all i'm 15 and I've been through what you went through with a sister who went through worse and let me tell you if you keep doing these things your only hurting yourself! you may or may not care what your parents think so be it! But the person who is mainly being hurt by this is YOU! I don't expect you to realize it now but you will. And when you do you'll be sorry when your parents who i'm sure love you very much aren't there to deal with you, but someone who is less tolerant........THAT'S what will be waiting for you if you call the police station and get taken away by social services.

Just think about it.......

Answer 3

Oh boy reminds me of my early teenage years. I was rebelious around 14 and it became far worse by the time I was 16 and 17 (literally not coming home on weekends and getting plastered at bars with my friends) I didn't understand the fact that my parents had worked so hard to provide a good life for me and my brother- this is a concept I am just begining to grasp now at 19 since I continued to live selfishly. It's hard to judge your daughters behavior at this point because that to a degree is adolescent behavior witht eh current generation- testing your parents boundaries to the extreme and the idea of immortality- the value of life from 13-20 is incomprehensible unless a tragedy occurs or one has a rude awakening. You can try to steer her towards volunteering every weekend- even offering her a treat for doing so (though this is again a hard call to make- you don't want to consistently bribe her). Try asking her to volunteer with you for an entire saturday and as a reward take her to a movie, or go shopping with her- avoid flat out giving her cash, try to ensuire the reward involves spending quality time with her. If you can afford it, a really interesting idea would be to go on 'vacation' to a third world nation- Mexico is cheap and close by, stay in a cheap hotel (be as safe as possible) and everyday walk around the area interacting with locals to show her that not everyone her age has the priveleges she has FIRST HAND- that's key, to prove to her people would be glad to live the way she does and wouldn't dare take advantage of situations to the level that she does. Taking away her possessions or grounding her doesn't seem to be a plausible course of action- at this point I recommend showing her first hand why she needs to reassess her priorities. Talking to her, if you can get your foot into that door as well is another good way to understand, perhaps she's really insecure about something (I know I was horribly insecure abotu highschool)

Answer 4

Give her a taste of reality for stealing. Send her away to a boot camp for children just like her, before she gets any worse and u really can't handle her anymore.
By the way I'd call child protective services and complain about her misbehavior and misdeeds. Protect urself and ur husband at all cost from this imprudent child now while u still have some control.
It can and will be too late if u seriously think she is going to grow out of this period she won't and it will lead to shoplifting, drugs and other bad influences like poor choice of friends. DON'T HESITATE, do this now before u lose her completely, for her sake and both of urs (ur hubby and u).

Answer 5

I suppose she is your only child? If so... If not ...Get the upperhand NOW!!!! If she continues this kind of behavior she will only get more brazing and could steal from stores or friends,etc. If you can I think you should paddle her behind. Yes, I believe somethings are not to be crossed. That is --stealing-- Disrespect is another. If your not up to that. Then I would take every aspect of her life away. Just like they do in prison. That's where she's going to end up if you don't stop her now. Lying, stealing and disrespecting your parents are to be dealt with -- with severity. If she'll do these things to you--who knows what she'll do to anyone else. If you have to-- lock you stuff up. Don't slack off. If you tell her something stick to it. You and your husband need to put your heads together and make the rules. Back each other up. If your dont she'll see and play you against each other. Believe me. I've been there. I was in her shoes. I use to steal, etc. Until I noticed my mom and dad backed each other up. I was paddled and everything I possessed was taken from me for a month. I had a few slip ups at first. But when I did--they came down on me even harder. Like heavy duty chores along with everything else. Couldn't talk to anyone on the phone. Computer taken out of my room,etc. I finally gave in and accepted the fact that if I wanted anything that meant anything to me.....I had to straighten my act up. It took me 3 years to get my head on straight. I'm glad my parents came down on me so hard. I didn't want to go to jail. I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

Usually they turn out like that because the parents were slack in the previous years. ( when were you last in charge really ?)
Although this sounds like a case for Dr Phil, I'm sure he is way overbooked.
I would start the process to have her shipped to juvenile hall. Maybe a couple of days there would send the message that your slacker days are over and things are going to change.
But this will take time , and it sounds like she is doing drugs now too (just from the attitudes , sounds like meth).
Tell her you are having her drug tested also.

Answer 7

Ask if she'd like it better in a foster home.

I don't have experience with daughters, but my youngest son started screwing up, getting in trouble at school and involving the cops. We had tried restriction, taking away favorite things, even spanking. Nothing seemed to work. When he got arrested for possession, I had a talk with him. I grabbed his smirking little punk a$$ up from the couch, slammed him into the wall holding him a few inches above the ground and told him if he ever got in trouble again I would put him in the hospital and didn't give a damn what they did with him or to me afterward. He was an angel after that. I wouldn't have hurt him, but I guess I was fairly convincing.

Answer 8

Wow. I will definitely be praying for your situation.

As a former teacher, I would like to point out that young teens act like this when they want attention. Perhaps something is bothering her and she doesn't know how to tell you.

You might start with her school's guidance counselor. It would be a help to you to also find out how she acts at school, and what kind of friends she has at school.

***I just read thru your questions and discovered that she also has an emotional eating issue. Something is definitely bothering her. A professional psychologist visit is necessary if she won't tell you. Is she close to any adults in your family?
Have there been any major changes in her life in the last year?
***I just read your other question...about your son... does she miss her brother??????

Answer 9

Boy do I know how your feeling.
But only with my son. he is almost 21 now.

A person mentioned using the belt. Umm I think not.
She will only call the police and the parent will get put in jail.
And the child taken away.

I am guessing long talks with her isn't helping. Taking away privileges, grounding. Make her do chores.

Something I think she may be lacking is one on one time with you and her dad. Take more time and spend quality time with her. Have family night, once a week.

Good luck.

Answer 10

WOW! Professional help seems to be the answer here. Punish you for going out? Either she's lying and wearing your things for her own fun, with whomever, or she is in dire need of attention. This sound like Dr Phil needs to give you some expertise advise.