women and affairs: is it healthy for a man to have a progressive attitude or should be more conservative?

Question

When i was 22 (and unmarried), I met a married woman at a bar/ club. She was older, but still relatively attractive and our personalities just clicked. she was out with her friends. seemed to be happy enough about her life, and wasn't outto pick up a guy - she was taken aback by the whole thing.

It turned into a romp in the back seat of her truck.

So now my wife, 43, and a 7 out of 10 for her age, goes out with her freinds dancing once a month, more or less. They have a real blast. She’s come home tipsy. At least one of her freinds, I know, has a small reputation for fluziness. I come to learn she carries a rubber in her purse. i ask why . . . she said she and her freidns agreed they'd all always carry one because of a scare that happened to a mutual freind. its not to use, she assured, it 'just in case'

just in case of what?

i think about it - we’ve been married 17 years and we are very stable, but we don't have a whole lot of sex anymore. i highly highly doubt she'd ever leave me -she’s not going to throw it all away - but could she have gotten boinked or be open to the possibility?

and if so should i get mad? On the one hand, I think what goes around comes around. More importantly, crazy as it sounds, I feel like good for her . . . don't she deserve some?

So, 1) help me assess the liklihood she is, 2) she I stick with the progressive attitude or shift back to a more traditional approach?

Answer 1

Well, the first thing is the word "affair". What you did was not an affair, and what you seem to be worried about is not an affair. It is just one-night stands.

I think a true affair is what you should be most worried about. Would she actually want to start spending time with someone else?

In any case, cheating is still not healthy for a relationship and can be dangerous disease-wise. Even "polyamorous" people can have trouble fully letting go of the emotional baggage of multiple partner situations.

I think it is something you should talk more about with her. If she is really open or looking, then maybe you can work together to ensure she does it in a way that does not endanger you.

(Also, anyone carrying a condom is expecting a possibility of sex. Her explanation was lame.)

Answer 2

I find your attitude odd and laid back. But first of all ...what you did years ago when you were unmarried (unless she was your gf then)should have no bearing whatsoever on how you should feel about what your wife does now. Should you be mad? What the heck kind of question is that? What we say will make a difference whether you get mad or not? If I were HER I'd be upset my husband thinks I'm a 7 on a scale from 1-10. If you thought she looked better would there be more sex between you? If so, why not take her shopping, to get her hair and make-up done and give input on what you think would look well on her. Buy her a membership to a spa...better yet go and exercise with her. Because you don't do your duty you say she deserves some from someone else, maybe? How lazy can you be! Just go ahead and buy her the boy toy down the road in that case! Sheesh! I can't say whether she has had a fling but with your attitude I can see how the thought would run through her head...over and over and over. Hey, if her having a bit of fun on the side doesn't bother you then just keep right on doing what you are doing(which is NOTHING) and turning your head. What you seem to be saying is what you don't know can't hurt you. So, if that's the way you feel....thumbs up to your ole lady, I'm with you. I hope she has a good time.

Answer 3

Progressive?
Puhleeze.
What do you feel guiltiest for?
Not sleeping with your wife or cheating on her when you still "could"?
You don't mention whether or not you did cheat, but I sort of think so.
You also mention that wifey is a 7 out of 10--how would you rate yourself on that scale?
You "highly doubt she'd leave you"--because of stuff you have together? Stuff never took the place of good sex, my friend.
You need to get very seriously real with yourself. Your marriage is in early death throes.
I think you need to start treating your wife like an equal partner and giving her a reason to want to stay home...
Or
..you can keep going the direction you're going and say goodbye within a year.
Good luck

Answer 4

Women hit their sexual peak in their 40s.

I can't tell you if she is cheating or not, but at least one of her friends is (the scare and the condoms) So her social group is open to it.

I'd say stick with the progressive attitude. If it was me I would feel more valued as a partner knowing you trusted and accepted me. If you went back to a more 'traditional' jealousy based treatment I, myself, would be more likely to cheat (if I'm getting blamed I might as well do the sin)

As for not having sex often.... I suggest discussing it with her and come up with a mutual plan for ways for her to "take care of herself" if you are not able. Who knows... Exploring new avenues may bring your interest level up.

Answer 5

First off maybe you should consider sleeping with your wife before she starts sleeping with other men. Women need sex too and you may think about introducing sex games into your bedroom. If she is sleeping with other men then yes you should be upset because that is not normal. Most women would bite your head off if you were cheating so you should probably be the same way with her. Hope this help you.

Answer 6

This has nothing to do with progressive vs. traditional. It's libertarian vs. authoritative. Explain your anxiety to your wife. She should calm down.

Answer 7

maybe if you stopped looking at your wife as , just your wife and started looking at her as a beautifull women than maybe you would be have more sex, and then maybe she wouldn't be tempted.