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We had to write an epitaph for ethan fromme (book) and I was wondering if you could give me some feedback. I am trying to stay away from rhyme

Have you seen me...the man walking through the village,
With the heartsick eyes and gaunt face,
Worn by love and its fatality.
Worn by the years that have passed all too slowly.

Once I was young.
Once I was in love.
Once I was avid.
Once I was zealous,

Now my life is all too forgettable...

I pledged my eternity to an unbearable woman.
And day after day I regretted the decision.
My life had been signed away on the dotted line.

But there was promise in my desolate life.
A pure glimmer of hope.
A beauty and youth incomparable to any other.
She filled my lungs with life.
And after the smashing sucked them dry again.

In death it seems I am finally complete.
My soul has rejoined my body,
And my body, the sublunary.
Where, just in life, I can be treaded on all over again.
With the final peace of a silent grave.

2007-03-18 15:24:03 · 2 answers · asked by gravytrain036 5 in Education & Reference Homework Help

IF you have a rewrite for one of the lines or something please share.

2007-03-18 15:28:18 · update #1

2 answers

I have read Ethan Fromme, but its been a while...

My only suggestions would be:

Consider removing the last two "Once I was"s. The first two flow nicely and make a good statement, but after that it gets forced.

Rewrite the line "My life had been signed away on the dotted line" in the active voice so that it reads "I signed my life away on the dotted line" or "On the dotted line I signed my life away". Nice image there, by the way.

Other than that it looks great to me!

2007-03-18 15:31:37 · answer #1 · answered by Natalie Nicole 2 · 0 0

You've got an excellent beginning. Consider cutting out anything that is absolutely necessary. It's called writing tight. Once you have what is you absolutely need; consider the order. What makes the most sense? What packs the biggest punch?

You have a great beginning. The "Once I was" needs something. So does the line and stanza following it.

Instead of telling us, describe what he say that caputured the youth, the beauty etc.

Hope this helps.

2007-03-18 22:32:17 · answer #2 · answered by Curious 3 · 0 0

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