Honest opinions please?

Question

What do you think of what I have written? Please give me an honest critique, and your honest opinions, and reasons why..! Thank you!

Let your mind fathom its own imagery and scenic prospect before you click on the link. Take a long-awaited deep breath and delve slowly into the dream...
The sun is high and the air clear. The surface of the river is like a mirror to the surrounding landscape. Peace is imminent, if only for a short while. The day has been stressful and your body is tense. There exists a mound of work yet to be done, but you decide it is best to seek a short reprieve. You stroll along the riverside and step, ever slowly and ever so carefully, into your canoe. You wish not to go for a paddle, but to relax and enjoy the serenity present in your midst. You stretch out your legs and lean back into a comfortable position. The sky is light with few clouds and exists as that timely blue. The way you expect the sky to be on a perfect day in the summertime. You take a deep breath…Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale… At last, you have a few moments of tranquility in your days.
You close your eyes and grasp every drop of nectar from this flower of peace. Slowly you open your eyes. You notice the evergreen trees, swaying slightly as a cool breeze swifts by. All colors are pure… The green of the grass and trees is a deep, thankful tone. Your house comes into view. It is a quiet little house, white on the outside with brown shingles. This is the place you most long to be. You take another deep breath of soothing, fresh air while reveling in the sunlight and all this moment has to offer.
You nod off for a few moments and later are awakened by the birds' song, feeling refreshed and renewed. Calmly you arise from your restful position and make your way towards your home. Though you spent a mere ten minutes musing over a single moment, it felt like a never-ending eternity of peace. The work still exists and the chaos is still present, but now you have the patience necessary to persevere…

Now, once you have discovered your own wishful refuge, do not remain there for all of eternity. Reality does exist and you cannot escape it and you should not ever attempt to. There are times when we all could use a little relaxation and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but we mustn't remain in our "own little world" for too long. There is indeed a time and place for everything.

Psalm 46:10 reads, "Be still and know that I am God." Take one minute, every day, to just be still and know that He is God.

The photo I based the writing on is the third one to the right on the top row:

http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?ei=UTF-8&fr=sfp&p=peaceful+river

It's not a poem, it's a description.

Answer 1

It is very hard to write in the second person and keep it fresh and not confusing. You've done a good job. Your imagry is very nice. It reminds me a lot of the old "Twilight Zone" stories. Rod Serling wrote a lot in the second person and it can be very jarring and unnerving - which was his goal. Keep it up. C.

Answer 2

Sorry but that is really bad.

It is a stream of consciousness rather than an organized invitation to partake in the author's daydream. It is, emotionally, too thick and syrupy for my tastes and very difficult to find continuity of the senses this piece is attempting to stimulate.

Further I think you are attempting to hypnotize your reader in order to soften their mind enough that they will swallow the tripe at the end. It is common among the very good preacher's on TV to use such techniques to open wallets. Your technique is worse than amateur.

No, we cannot escape reality. That is the single statement that makes any sense throughout your "journal entry." Keep practicing and good luck with that One True Mighty thing.

Rating overall: "D-" (For sticking your neck out).

Answer 3

The imagery is very vivid and dreamlike. The writing isn't bad at all, for a description. You could copy write ads, you paint pictures very well with your words.

Answer 4

I liked it alot, you written a great poem and it is a poem right and....


GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D