In Laws!!!?

Question

My Mother in Law and I don't get along, she has disrespected me and my family for the past 5 years...I finally had enough, and wrote her a letter, leaving nothing out about the way she has treated myself, my family and her own son. I told her I married him and not her, therefore I will no longer have anything to do with her! Easier said than done.....
I guess my question's are: Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is it possible for me to stay happily married to my husband but not deal with her? Am I being unfair or unreasonable in all this!? I just can't see having someone in my life who makes me miserable! I almost called off our wedding because I couldn't stand the idea of hating her for the rest of my married life...my husband supports me, and agrees she is wrong, but doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her for me, or himself.....Thoughts, experience and advice welcome...judgment and otherwise...no thanks!

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not alone, and there's a lot of insightful answers.. I should clarify, when I say my husband has no backbone..a bit harsh, .. I don't expect him to we all have a weak spot for our mom's regardless...I only meant to say, that is why I was the one to confront her with it all...and we do have children, 2 boys..it hasn't helped our relationship with his folks as we hoped that would do the trick as well. They only critisize me as a mother as well...not to my face of course, but to my husband...even though my husband says I'm a way better mom than his ever was to him... oh well, what are you gonna do!?
I'm not sure if I can agree with the man who replied 'you married his family as well' is that true?? Do you all think that you have to put up with people who disrespect you because they're your spouses family!? It just doesn't seem right to me!? I don't know...

Answer 1

I lived that life too, for 7 1/2 years, then we divorced; I think you did a bold and smart thing by letting her know (I should have too, but never did). It is possible to stay married, especially since your husband supports you. He needs to stand up for you and your family as well though.

Answer 2

I've been tempted to cut all ties too, the difference was it was my own parents. They too have become so unbearable that there came a time that I just had enough. I never did cut them out but I have lessened the visits and do not take their criticism anymore (I vent back or just leave). They are not nice people so I do understand how your In-laws can reek havoc on a marriage.
Your husband is supportive of you so that is good but you have to come up with a happy medium. You can't cut all ties but you can tolerate some. Since you have written to them, I suppose they know exactly where you stand with them (probably not favorable). The only thing you can do now is just be tolerable of them and leave when their words or actions are not acceptable. Time will tell as to where you go from here but when you have children, things may change for the better.
If your at all bothered by what you have done, tell them you may have over reacted but you were also angered at the time. I would hope that some one will be the better person and work things out and move past this. Both sides have to change or the future will always be filled with anger and bitterness. Although you are angry, you have stated how you feel and you should at least try to make things right. If they are not willing, I guess it's basically their loss and not yours. Time will tell and I hope the future will get better for all of you, in the long run.

Answer 3

It's not a good situation and it's certainly not a matter of your husband not having enough backbone. If he supports you then that should be enough. What do you want him to do? Tell her she's not being nice. Will that make her change? No. Will it make anything different? No, just add more resentment. He's caught in the middle and likely doesn't want to further stir the pot.

You need to let whatever happened in the past go and try your best to avoid her in the future. You also need to understand that your husband cannot avoid her or shut her completely out of his life. That's his mother!

When you marry, you don't just marry the other person, like it or not, you marry their family also - For better or worse.

When you absolutely must be around her, ignore her and take whatever she says as a joke. No letter or words from you or anyone else will change her. Your bad feelings will only hurt your marriage in the long run. Learn to let it go. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I did experience something like what you are describing. I was able to resolve it with her. We are now pretty good friends. What I first had to wrap my head around was that this was my husband's MOTHER. For her to birth and raise such a wonderful caring person meant that she had to have some good qualities. I started looking for those. Whenever she made a negative or caustic comment, I wouldn't respond at all, I simply walked away. You can, of course, make your husband choose between you and his mother, but I am taking it that as you asked how to stay "happily married" meant that you were also willing to give and take. Whenever I wanted to tell my husband "it's me or her", I had to also ask myself what I would've said to my husband if he had told me I had to give up my own mother. The answer is your husband will end up resenting you for making him choose. Take the higher road by not letting her get under your skin, and then she looks petty and mean. Sometimes it's very hard for a mother to realize she is no longer the most important person in her son's life. It's a hard pill to swallow. Make your peace within yourself that you can't change his mother, you can only change your reactions to his mother. Not only will you ensure his gratitude, but maybe it will also teach her to respect you. That is what happened with me. I took the high road, bit my tongue until it bled, and continued to try for my husband's sake. In the end, my husband told his mother he was sorry if she didn't like me, but that I had been nothing but decent and if she wanted any part of his life, she would make the effort too. In the end, she did. It did take some time, but you're in it for the long haul, right? Now, we are not just daughter-in-law and mother-in-law but also friends, and my husband loves me that much more because I did it for him even though it was hard. Just how worth it is it to you? How far would you go to keep your husband happy and content? Once you know the answers to those questions, and your resolve on your reaction (or really lack of a reaction) is set, your path will be clear to you. Good luck!

Answer 5

I'm in the same situation, well sorta, I've been dating my fiance for a realy long time now, and were about to get married, but his mother & father do not like me. For what reason, I have no idea. She is almost tolerable towards me when I am around with her son, but behind my back, or when I'm not with him, she degrades me every chance she can. My fiance agrees that she is wrong, and doesn't have a backbone to tell her so. It sucks, but I wouldn't throw away a marriage over it. Tell your husband that you really feel strong about him standing up to her, and you'd be very disapointed in him if he didn't do it. ALSO, if she continues, don't go over to her house, or allow her in your guys house until she can show some respect and apologize.

Answer 6

I had a kind of similar experience. My mother-in-law hated me from day one in my relationship with my wife. She would seldom get into it with me but I knew she said a lot of less than kind things about me behind my back.

Every now and then, she would totally lose it and we'd have it out. I never backed down and at times it was tense. I tried reasoning with this woman, tried being nice to her, being thoughtful, etc. Nothing worked.

When my wife and I eventually had kids, that made it even more awkward. I dealt with it by making a point of avoiding this woman as much as possible. I never once discouraged or tried to get my wife to stay away from her mother and family but I tried to stay away as much as possible.

The story had a very sad ending. My mother-in-law eventually shot herself in the head and died. She had suffered from depression and it turns out had been sexually molested as a child and for whatever reason, never dealt with the issue.

This is what I would do if I was you:

1. Have a frank discussion with this woman, just you and her where you won't be interupted. Regardless of what she says, DO NOT scream or yell at her, do not use any profanity. Remain calm no matter what she says or how hateful she may be. Find out what the problem is between her and you.

2. If she can't give you an answer, calmly walk away. I would then avoid her as much as you can. Tell your husband why you're doing this and tell him you don't want to argue with him about this. If you have to be around this woman, try to be polite but I'd say as little as possible around her. That being said, I wouldn't take any crap off of her in your own house. If she starts anything in your own house, I'd go off on her.

3. Eventually, you will HAVE to go off on her. I know this type of person. After you've done this (and hopefully you'll have her in tears), I can pretty much guarantee you won't have any problems with her from that point on. I'm not kidding about this.

4. You need to have a talk with your husband. If he won't take up for you (and he should), he needs to realize that even though you're going to avoid this woman to an extent, eventually, you WILL go off on her and that it's going to be ugly.

Good luck!

Answer 7

You were right. You married her son...not her. I was in the same situation, only I didn't write the note. I just quit seeing her, quit answering the phone when she called, etc. She was good at laying guilt trips on my husband, telling him how to be married (when she took 10 years to divorce his dad), and then blamed me for the breakdown of our marriage. Your husband does need to develop some backbone. He stopped being her responsibility when he moved out of her house. She isn't his responsibility. He is married to you, not her. He needs to sit down with either just her, or both of you and tell her like it is. Good luck.

Answer 8

My mother in law lives next door. I tried to move down the street but my husband is such a mommas boy that he can't live out of walking distance from his mother. She comes down and rearranges my cabinets and everything.

Answer 9

Maybe you should all sit down and talk about the issues. Maybe she has a reason for acting the way she does. There are always two sides to the story. It will never get better if you do not talk about it or at least try to talk about it.

Answer 10

i put up with that for about 8 years, name calling, even threats, gossip, slandering me, insults, you name it, and not once did i even respond with an unkind word. i calmly told my husband one day 14 year ago it was her or me and he chose me of course, we moved out of state and have been fine ever since. you did the right thing look, no one on the face of this earth has the right to verbally or emotionally abuse you, did you know if you changed the letters around in 'mother in law' -you will get 'hitler woman'.