I'm in the middle of getting a divorce, and my ex says we were wrong for each other, but wants to try again ..

Question

In the time we were married (a year and 6 months) we would always fight, and he was always acusing me of cheating on him, even though I never even looked at other guys. We would always fight about everything, and I always had to give or the arguement would never end. Now that we are getting a divorce, he wants me back. We both agreed a few months ago that we were wrong for each other, that we were just too different, but now it's like he's completely changed his mind. I think I could be happier without him, but being apart from him now, when he's being so sweet, is rather difficult. What should I do? Continue with the divorce and tell him if he wants to try again he'll have to start all over? Take him back? Or get the divorce and move away? (The only reason I live here is because he's stationed here)

Answer 1

Ok, it sounded like the marriage was all about him. His insecurites made him jealous and it was you who had to prove your innocence, even though you did nothing wrong. You were the one who had to give in all the time to stop the arguments. That tells me, he was a bit of a control freak. A person will be a certain way because it was how he was raised to be....we are a product of our environment, and if our experiences through this life are such that we become insecure about ourselves, then how can that be changed overnight. He bought his insecurities into the marriage and you were the one who coped this kind of behaviour, and you were the one who had to make him feel better, even if you didnt do anything wrong. What you were doing, in fact, was taking responsibility for how he was feeling....and that is something he needs to take responsibility for....they are his insecurities not yours, but you were the one who was always paying the price for them. He is sweet now because he is losing you and he is showing you the side of him that probably attracted him to you in the first place.....once he married you, things changed and his insecurities became worse. Sometimes marriage can mean ownership in a lot of cases, and the things that attracted you to him in the first place are probably threatening to him when he believes he "owns" you....does that make sense? You are no longer his possession, so he is charming and sweet and saying and doing all the things that will make him look good in your eyes. If he hasnt had any counselling for this problem, then it will only go back to the way it was when you were living together. If he is sincere, then the first thing he needs to do is to own his own problems and get help for them........but for that ever to happen he has to recognise he has a problem.

This is not just about him, this is about you too....how do you feel at the prospect of him moving back with you as your husband? Are you prepared to go through the same things again? The worst is over, you made the break, and you made it for good reasons. Now you have to decide if you are prepared to run the risk of it all happening over again....will it only end up the way it was, will you have to go through the heartache of breaking up again....willl you have to start the grieving process from the beginning again?

If you trully love him, and he trully loves you, then I believe the only answer to your question is to seek out some counselling before you make a decision to go back with him. Do you really want him back?....that is the question you really should be asking yourself. Do you still love him? This is about your feelings, not just his. Whatever you decide, it is imperative you both get counselling because his manipulative ways wont change just because he has good intentions.....it is ingrained in him, and good intentions never change someone's basic personality......they have got to want to change it and see that their possessiveness, their jealousy is control, and control is abuse. If you husband can accept he has a problem, then maybe there is a chance....if he wont accept it, then brace yourself if you take him back, because nothing will change and will only be time before the same things happen again.

You decide if you really do want to go through it again. If you want him back, but dont want the same thing happening, then counselling is the only way you are going to stand a hope of this marriage working.

Think about it long and hard because we get one shot at this life, so you need to be sure if you are doing the right thing....search your own feelings and work out if it is what YOU really want.

Whatever you decide, make sure its in your best interests....take care.

Answer 2

I am sorry you are going through this. I divorced my ex some time ago. Everything was fine while we were dating and when we became engaged. Shortly after the honeymoon, skeletons came out of the closet that weren't there before. It was a rocky 15 years. We tried everything from counseling to taking a break from each other. What I found out was she was actually in love with some other guy. Before more years would begin to mount I filed for divorce. It was tough, because of what was involved. Now I have a new companion who actually is my true love. Because I feel it and see it.
My advice is to try a separation from each other. Make sure first that you don't have a joint banking account. If so, close it. If this doesn't work, and you will know whether it would work or not, without going into details. Divorce is tough on the mind and many other things. If you don't have children and want children someday, you have to choose between finding the real Mr. Right or living a rocky relationship. Good Luck

Answer 3

Why did you marry him? Do you love him? Can you live with him, the way he is? Do you want to make it work? You say you think you'll be happier without him, so what is holding you in such confusion? Maybe he really has had a change of heart. Maybe you havent. Are you ready to say goodbye for good? Or are you willing to give it another try? You have not been married very long. There's alot of things left to learn. No one can help you make this choice,.only you know what is in your heart. Marraige is a compromise. You both have to meet half way. There is no "right" answer in this situation, you have to do what you think is best. Just make sure you are being true to what you feel is best. I dont know what you mean by start all over. Do you mean get the divorce and start dating again? What would that serve? Either you are committed to your marriage or you aren't. I understand how frustrating jealousy is. Sounds like you guys have taken some much needed time apart. Why not see what he has learned during that time? Unless you dont want to, in which case, yes, divorce him. It would be the right thing to do, if you arent willing to work on the marriage. But I would not string him along. Marriage is hard work, not everyone is willing to do. And that doesnt make you a bad person; it's just good to know about yourself.

Answer 4

I don't think this is a question you should be asking other people hun. You have to look in your heart and decide what's right for you. Only you know what you truely want, and can decide if he's right for you or not. But since you did ask the question, here's my advice...

Divorce may not be the answer, if you want to try things without him to see how it feels, opt out for seperation, and go from there. Why go through all the hassles of a divorce, just to start over again if that's what happens? Or maybe things will work out being seperated, then it will make the divorce easier on the both of you. Hope this helps a little. Good luck, and remember to look in your heart, that's where the real advice is.

Answer 5

Stick to your plan and get the divorce. Who's he trying to kid? He made things difficult for you and you always had to give in just to keep the peace. Seems like he can't be happy unless he's trying to pick a fight with you. Now isn't that some kind of one sided relationship if you're going to bear the brunt of all his blaming and accusations?! And besides the unending fighting? Ridiculous and totally unfair for you. If you two were wrong for each other then how is anything going to any different now? Besides being a nit picking control freak it sounds like this guy doesn't know what he wants. Don't let him sweet talk you into doing something that you know deep down isn't ever going to work out. That's a ploy just to wear you down. Sort of how he always behaved. Once he gets his own way with you what then? If you take up with him again you'll be in the same (or worse ) mess that you're in now. Since you've come to the conclusion that you are going to move on with your life then you are rightfully correct in sticking with your decision. Lady, you've had enough and you deserve some peace in your life. So move out, move on, and take some time to clear your head. Get a new life for yourself and realize that you are going to be far better off unfettered by the emotional constraints imposed by someone who will only further drag you down and destroy any will that you seek to have for yourself.

Answer 6

Wow, this is a decision you need to make from the heart, but honestly....look at the past to see the future. If he accused of cheating all the time and stuff like that, it's just going to happen again. Men don't change all that much throughout their lives. I would go ahead with the divorce and move away if you don't want to stay where you are now....but going back into a relationship that was bad in the end, is usually not a good idea. I realize that you gave a year and a half of your life to the marriage, but in the big picture of life, that's not much time. But, say you took him back and it was all good for a couple of months and started again...and maybe this time, got worse...you've wasted more of your life on a relationship that probably isn't worth the time. I hate to say it, but I've been there and your life and happiness are not worth giving up for the sake of someone elses feelings. Move forward, not backward. Good Luck with your new life ;)

Answer 7

He may just realize that now he knows he's about to lose you, he wants to try again, probably because if he gets deployed he will have someone to miss him and write to him. It's up to you, marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, giving up so soon is probably why you wonder if it can last. But sometimes the same problems arise, so either stay together and try to change your marriage tactics so that the same problems don't happen twice, or give up and find out that with everyone there is going to be hard times, marriage isn't always the fairy tale.

Answer 8

Is he open to marriage counseling? And are you as well. Obviously there are some issues that need addressing, the jealousy issue is a tough one to live with. Him accusing and you denying. It stinks that he doesn't believe you and it hurts that no matter what you do he doesn't believe you. He also needs to answer the question of does he want you back because he is lonely or because he loves you. Marriage counseling would help especially while living in separate households. Then if you guys see a change take it from there.

Answer 9

I've been married 27 yrs and honey, if he is accusing you of cheating onhim and you have only been married 1 1/2 yrs you need to move on. If you go back to him can you imagine what your life is going to be like with a jealous and argumentative husband? You deserve to be happy and I assume you are young enough to find someone else who can make you happy. He naturally has regrets but you have to know what YOU FEEL and do what YOU feel is right in your heart and if you are happier without him then move on.

Answer 10

Well if he is willing to go to counseling....and see if you can work out your differences and become more compatible...then maybe it is worth trying to reconcile...but until this happens, there is no way I would get back together...if he is willing to do the work...then maybe he is really serious...but if he isn't...there is some reason he wants a quick fix...If you make it too easy....you will regret it....He may be being sweet now...but he IS the same man that you lived with before...and he will be again.