I found out my husband has cheated on me for 10 year. No serious relationships. One nighters. Can I trust him?

Question

I found out three years ago that my husband cheated on me. I forgave him almost immediately. I wanted my life to go back to normal so I did not deal with the situation. I think the fact that we have 2 children really changed how I reacted.

In November of last year my husband told me wanted out of the marriage and let me know that he had continued cheating during these three years. Again they were all one-night stands. We have separated and he has since changed his mind and wants to work it out. We are in counseling now together and individually. He has been good about attending his sessions but has been battling depression. I think he has been depressed for years. Has anyone had a similar siutation. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks.

Answer 1

My dad cheated on my mom for 18 years with the same woman. He has two kids with this other woman. My mom knew about it the whole time.

It was rough growing up with that constant tension, and when I was younger, I wanted them to divorce, just so I wouldn't have to deal with my father.

When I turned 18, my dad left home because he was no longer "financially responsible" for any kids, and he was going to raise his other family properly. But he quickly learned what the other woman was out for all along: his money. He quickly ended it with her.

My mom NEVER gave up on my dad. She is a good Christian woman, and she doesn't believe in divorce. She wasn't about to let him out of it so easy either. Giving up on the marriage is what he wanted, and she had put too much into it to just walk away.

Now, I'm 28, and my parents are better than they have ever been. My dad has matured a lot, and he definitely realized the errors of his ways after he had to pay tons of money in child support and a few other financial commitments he'd made with the other woman. He knows how bad of a father he was, and what a horrible husband he was. And he treats my mom a lot better now (it's not perfect, but she doesn't take any sh*t off of him).

So, the moral of my very long story is that marriages CAN survive this kind of thing. You have to remember you first. Think about what you want. Are you prepared to take him back with the risk of being cheated on again? Are you prepared to have your trust betrayed again? Because it could happen. But if you love him and you want the marriage to work, then you need to do what you want.

A friend of mine once said that people can only be as good as they are. In other words, if your husband was suffering from depression the whole time, it could have motivated him to do things that he later will regret. But he can only be as good as he is. There is clearly a lot of room for improvement, and if you are willing to forgive him, then do it. Don't start trusting him completely right away. And make it clear that he has to earn your love and trust back.

It's wonderful that you are both in counseling, and it sounds like he really wants to change. So, give him that chance. Don't expect perfection. Just expect him to be the best person he's capable of being. That includes his flaws.

But never forget your self respect in the process.

Answer 2

He told u he cheated and asked for forgiveness 3 years ago. You did so out of love for him and your children.
U know, I believe anyone can change, but they have to want to.
But, I have always had a problem with cheaters. That is so personal to the victim. The problem is that the cheater is knowingly doing this and completely selfish in his own feelings when he/she does.
I personally dont think u will ever be able to trust him. He asked for your forgiveness 3 years ago and didnt blink before he did it again and again.
Personally, I say u let him lie in the bed he made for himself. Dont give him the chance to do to u what he did before just because he is depressed. U were undoubtedly crushed by his admittance to his infidelity and depressed as well. It didnt phase him to think of how u would hurt if u knew he was sleeping with other women. He betrayed u in the worst possible way and now expects u to forgive him a second time. If he was serious about making a change, he would have done it 3 years ago hun.
Dont step back into what u know will result in the same outcome as what u r talking to us about today.
U and your children deserve a person in your life that you can count on and not question. U need a stable and commited relationship and your children need a positive influence in their life.
I hope u make the right decision.
GOod luck hun.

Answer 3

I just found out last week that my husband has been cheating on me for a few years. He wants out as well when I confronted him but refuses to accept that he is the one at fault. He insists that the other women are only really good friends ( who write love notes). I have 2 kids too which is why I am unsure about my next step.
I can only say go back if you want but then be sure that there is open communication in all ways. The signs are always very clear. He is always busy at the office, works late hours cannot even take break to take you or the kids to the doc. money is never enough, I guess I am still in shock myself and am looking for some support as well. I had just explained every doubt away for all this years, internet porn chats, spa bills, expensive restaurant bills ( and he never goes out with the family because he just cannot stand commercial food).
Now it is in my face and he is kind of parading his extramarital affairs by talking to others in the next room loud enough for me to hear he is having a good time.
I keep thinking about my kids and what I will do if I get divorced. He threatens to take them away if I take any action. He wants to play the game his way. I have a job and am too rich to get help from womens organizations but too poor to survive on my own. He is in consulting and making good money so he knows he can do whatever he wants.

Answer 4

it rather is a splash demanding to take heed to those persons who save ranting that once a cheater, consistently a cheater. Affairs ensue for many motives, and each each and every now and then "sturdy" people have them, nicely known the errors and then restore the marriage and stay dedicated. of direction there are the intercourse addicts and narcissists that probably can no longer or do no longer desire to be reformed, yet while the cheating happened because of the fact of a few desire that wasn't being met in the marriage and that project is resolved, why anticipate this is going to ensue lower back? This guy feels like he had one final fling till now tying the knot, which replace right into a stupid and insecure factor to do, yet no longer inevitably rather worth ending the marriage over. He DID marry the girl, so he ought to have desperate he had to be together with her, no longer the different woman. If he continues to be ambivalent, then they might desire to get counseling now, till now they have little ones. opportunities are high he have been given it out of his device and he's waiting to be a dedicated husband. what number adult males get a splash too over excited on the bachelor celebration and nonetheless bypass directly to be sturdy husbands? probably particularly some.

Answer 5

He may be depressed but don't let him use that as an excuse. If he has cheated for 10 years he will most likely cheat for another 10 years. Sorry.
It sounds like time to walk away and start a new life for yourself. You and the children would be better off with a peaceful life on your own. He can still be a part of the children's lives, just make a life of your own.
Most importantly - don't have sex with this guy - HIV can lie dormant for many years until it rears it's ugly head and that would be a terrible price to pay for forgiveness.
I am sorry for you but you deserve a life as well - he is living his life at home and away. Move on.

Answer 6

I am sorry he has cheated on you. I don't have anything nice to say to cheaters or about cheaters so I won't say what I'd like to say but have you considered just getting out and finding a man that will treat you right? Afterall, if he has cheated, I bet you could take his butt to the cleaners which would be what he deserves. have you even ever thought about the fact that he put you and your children at risk by cheating? He could have given you an STD nad some STD's can cause death. Good luck in whatever you do with your current situation.

Mary in the tiny village of Onsted, Michigan

Answer 7

What you just discribed is the story of my Parents lives. I am not kidding. When I was in JR high and they had been married 15 years my dads affairs were made known to my mother. She took him back after kicking him out for a short time. This continued for over 4 years a cycle of him cheating leaving and then deciding he wanted to come back. She took him back every time. My sister was too young to talk to her so I was her consoler. I was pretty young at the time but I am an old soul as some people say. Anyway my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and he is now on medication for it and has been for a year. It is really beginning to turn things around for him and all of us. He is rebuilding the marriage and becoming a much better dad. At least he speaks to us kids where before he did not. Things are getting better and I am glad my mom did not give up because she gave us our dad back. I was once really mad at her for keeping him around because things got really bad with his mental illness he was just so depressed. But now that things are on the mend it seems that maybe even though they arent soulmates they can make our family functional....my sugestion is to not take him back under any conditions but your own...dont think of yourself think of your kids. and make him work really hard everyday to prove to you that he is worthy to be your husband.

Answer 8

NO

you can not trust him. Once a cheater always a cheater. Supressing your emotions and not dealing when the situation when its fresh is just asking for more troubble. Just because they were one night stands doesnt make it that less worse or hurting. HE STILL CHEATED. Is that the kind of person you want your children to look up to? What example are you setting for your children? That its OKAY for men to cheat on their wives ALL THE TIME, and that its okay for you to just take it? BE A WOMAN, you deserve better than this....get out, dont use your kids as an excuse- they should BE THE REASON you get out. Dont you want things to be better for them? Then get that scumbag out of your life!

Answer 9

Wow...Cheating is like a disease! It is very hard for you to believe that he won't cheat again, especially when depression is involved. But he has taken the initiative to go to counseling and that does say something. But I will say this...the cliche is wrong, once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater, BUT once a cheater always easy to stay a cheater is what it should mean. You can take him back if that's what you really want, but be ready to fight with him. He will probably cheat again. But if you want to be with him then you are going to have to battle all of the things that make him cheat. In his case he seems to cheat for emotional reasons. You have to be there for him more and stress more counseling. It will be very hard to make this work, please put God and keep God in your mariage. God is your only hope. In the bible there are verses to help the two of you. You can email me at [e-mail] and I will get the specific verses to you. I'll be praying.

Answer 10

I think he's "playing the game" to get out of divorce. Are you not tired of "game playing with this guy? Move on! If somebody can be that cold and mean, for that long, he is not going to change with a few counseling sessions!